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Vegan Black Metal Chef – Episode 1: Pad Thai

Have you ever thought to yourself, “Man, I would really like to make some delicious vegan pad thai and have the directions screamed at me to Black Metal music”? Of course you have. And now your dreams have come true! No longer will you have to play the same tired Burzum record over and over as your prepare your seitan faux-chicken nuggets as the snow falls on the trees in the woods surrounding your isolated shed and wolves cry out the song of the old Norse gods. Vegan Black Metal Chef is here to kvlture your ass on how to construct totally br00tal, meatless pad thai.

But if you wanted to really be Black Metal, you’d make the vegan pad thai and then put meat in it. And then burn down a church.

MEAT. SALAD.

Epic Meal Time is Canada’s great answer to health food cooking. In this series they explore the best ways to turn your mundane, everyday recipes upside down…with a healthy twist. For your edification, they note the caloric and fat tallies as they add ingredients to their recipes. Learn AND get a stomach boner. “Meat Salad” is their newest video and journeys down the path of creating what might be the most delicious salad known to man. To quote the video, “Salad? FUCK SALAD!”

I would also recommend their 4 Loko Chili recipe. Savory!

And, if you’re anything like me, the words “meat salad” remind you of “meat sandwich” which makes you think of GWAR. So, here’s that.

Love you AND your cardiovascular well-being, Black Laserites!

A collection of Time Travel-themed cooking show recipes.

Charles:

  • moebius tortilla strip soups
  • Emmet Brown Gravy
  • Paradoxtail Soup
  • oyakodon (killing your grandfather)
  • Bok Choi the Future
  • 12 Monkey Lime Pie
  • Le Jetee and Cake
  • Bill and Ted’s Egg Salad Adventure
  • the butterball effect
  • Donnie Dark Meat
  • Ground Chuck Day
  • The Philadelphia Cream Cheese Experiment
  • Terminator 2: Fudgement Day
  • Freejack and Coke (cocktails!)
  • prince of persia: the naan of time

Me:

  • Morlock Burgers.
  • Flux Capacitor Carpaccio.
  • Emmet Brown Gravy and (I didn’t finish because we both wrote it at the same time)
  • H.G. Wellington.
  • Black Hole Pudding.
  • The Sound of Thunder Nachos.
  • Time Bandits & Cream.
  • Bacon to The Future.
  • Thyme Bandits
  • Bill and Ted’s Bogus Jerkey.
  • Tart Trek : Generations.

The Sausage Smoothie: The Best Worst Idea I’ve Ever Pursued

My struggles with finding something satisfying to eat during this tonsillectomy recovery are well documented here on The Black Laser. Before the whole thing though, people gave me all sorts of fun ideas about what I should eat. Lamb sorbet. Taco popsicles. Barbecue Sauce Ice Cubes. Baconade. One of the funnier ones comes from one of my favorite bits in Zach Galifianakis’ Live At The Purple Onion. If you’ve not seen the film, it’s on Netflix. Get it.

[flv]https://www.theblacklaser.net/blog/wp-content/video/sausage_smoothie.flv[/flv]

But through all the joking about what awful things I might eat that could be blended, I actually started thinking about what might go into a sausage smoothie. Then I started thinking that it could actually be really delicious if done correctly. Of course, we’re not talking about strawberries, yogurt, orange juice, and sausage. That would be foul. But what if you put appropriate things in, like butter and potatoes and caramelized onions? Then it might be damned delicious.

Desperation and boredom have led me down this darkened path and I have actually made this seemingly vile, yet potentially awesome, concoction. Here’s a photo of the ingredients.

We’ve got sweet pork sausage that I removed from the home|DCWCasings, butter, milk, onions, garlic, potatoes for mashing, flour and chicken stock to make pan gravy after cooking the sausage and onions, and salt and pepper to taste. There’s no pepper in the photo, but use your imagination for a second. Here are a bunch of photos of the process. See if you can follow along. Nothing too terribly complicated. Thoughts afterward.

Making pan gravy. Yum!

Here are all the ingredients cooked and ready to be mashed up by the blender.

So how was it? It was god damned delicious! And why wouldn’t it be? I only put things in there that taste good. But more importantly, things that taste good together. Don’t believe that I would actually drink this wonderful concoction?

That was my second glass.

It was rich and frothy and thick like you would expect a smoothie to be, but savory and full of fat and gravy and butter and meat and potatoes. It was salty and peppery and sausagey and just wonderful. My only niggle is that the milk I added while blending cooled it down a little too much, but that would easily be fixed by throwing it on the stove again for a couple minutes. I would probably add more milk next time so that it was a little thinner. I blended it initially with all the gravy and maybe half a cup of milk (?????), but it ended up the consistency of a milk shake. I added a bunch more milk until it was fluid enough to drink from a glass without the aid of a spoon. In retrospect, it could be thinner. It was about the same consistency as a smoothie you get from Jamba Juice or something. But, you know, full of sausage, onions, butter, and garlic.

Michael was over to eat my chicken adobo and hang out and he insisted on trying my evil genius creation. He approved. It’s just that damned good. Maybe this will help me gain back some of the 15 pounds I’ve lost since my surgery. Shit, those two glasses are probably worth at least 5 pounds right there.

I suppose the real question is, would I make it again? You bet your sweet ass I would. This would be easily modified to become a thick and hearty soup, or you could use leftover Thanksgiving dinner and make something else truly extraordinary.

And don’t forget it.

A Gazpacho Adventure

Quite a few people have recommended gazpacho to me over the last week or so as something I could easily eat with my compromised throat. And if you’re anything at all like me (and undoubtedly you are since I created you in my image), you can’t hear the word “gazpacho” without thinking of this:

[flv height=”420″]https://www.theblacklaser.net/blog/wp-content/video/gazpacho.flv[/flv]

Hell, here’s the whole episode because I love you all. (Right-click, Save As… to download) At least until someone tells me to take it down. Go back to Russia!

I’ve never eaten gazpacho before. Honestly, looking through recipes it seems like pureed salsa. As much as I love salsa, I’ve never wanted to take huge spoonfuls of it down my throat. But, you know what? Fuck it. Might as well try it, right?

I found a recipe on Tastespotting that seems pretty good and basic. Not difficult. No real cooking. Just chopping which is easy peasy. As a bonus, the ingredients were so lovely that I felt compelled to take a photo.

And here they all are just a few minutes later ready to be blended.

In go the onions and garlic first!

Yum! Mush!

Here goes the rest! I had to do it in two batches since my blender isn’t quite large enough to get it all. But that’s ok!

Here it is, in all its puke-looking glory ready to be stored overnight as per the instructions. Tomorrow I will let you know just how delicious it really is.

Cooking is fun!

Meet my friend Alden.

That’s him at about 1:30 with the beard. I’ve known Alden for, oh, about a million years. He’s a gentle giant of a man who can grow a kick ass beard. But, uh, Alden, I think you need to wear a beard hair net in the kitchen. Just sayin’.

Here’s what the Huntington, West Virginia Herald Dispatch has to say about what he’s doing with celeb-super chef Jamie Oliver.

During the past three weeks, chef Alden Cadwell of Sustainable Food Systems has been to Village of Barboursville, Nichols and Geneva Kent elementary schools. He will be at Spring Hill on Jan. 4 and 9, then conduct two countywide cook trainings on Jan. 14 and 15 — two days that students are off. Eventually, the 70 percent of the student population that accounts for more than 8,500 lunches each day all will have a healthier meal choice in the lunch line.

Cadwell’s main focus is shifting from the use of processed foods to whole and fresh ingredients. The schools where training has taken place already will have new menus in January. The elementary schools will dine on items such as macaroni and cheese, quesadillas, barbecue chicken, cheesy cornbread and beefy nachos with cheese and lettuce. Also being served in January are rotisserie chicken, baked pizza noodles and homemade tomato soup with a toasted cheese sandwich. Other elementary schools are serving cheeseburgers, chicken patties and nuggets and steak with gravy.

Good job, old boy! You are a champion. Keep kids healthy. I’ll be needing them to fill my army of the stars in my conquest of the universe.

Here’s the rest of the article.