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The Sausage Smoothie: The Best Worst Idea I’ve Ever Pursued

My struggles with finding something satisfying to eat during this tonsillectomy recovery are well documented here on The Black Laser. Before the whole thing though, people gave me all sorts of fun ideas about what I should eat. Lamb sorbet. Taco popsicles. Barbecue Sauce Ice Cubes. Baconade. One of the funnier ones comes from one of my favorite bits in Zach Galifianakis’ Live At The Purple Onion. If you’ve not seen the film, it’s on Netflix. Get it.


But through all the joking about what awful things I might eat that could be blended, I actually started thinking about what might go into a sausage smoothie. Then I started thinking that it could actually be really delicious if done correctly. Of course, we’re not talking about strawberries, yogurt, orange juice, and sausage. That would be foul. But what if you put appropriate things in, like butter and potatoes and caramelized onions? Then it might be damned delicious.

Desperation and boredom have led me down this darkened path and I have actually made this seemingly vile, yet potentially awesome, concoction. Here’s a photo of the ingredients.

We’ve got sweet pork sausage that I removed from the home|DCWCasings, butter, milk, onions, garlic, potatoes for mashing, flour and chicken stock to make pan gravy after cooking the sausage and onions, and salt and pepper to taste. There’s no pepper in the photo, but use your imagination for a second. Here are a bunch of photos of the process. See if you can follow along. Nothing too terribly complicated. Thoughts afterward.

Making pan gravy. Yum!

Here are all the ingredients cooked and ready to be mashed up by the blender.

So how was it? It was god damned delicious! And why wouldn’t it be? I only put things in there that taste good. But more importantly, things that taste good together. Don’t believe that I would actually drink this wonderful concoction?

That was my second glass.

It was rich and frothy and thick like you would expect a smoothie to be, but savory and full of fat and gravy and butter and meat and potatoes. It was salty and peppery and sausagey and just wonderful. My only niggle is that the milk I added while blending cooled it down a little too much, but that would easily be fixed by throwing it on the stove again for a couple minutes. I would probably add more milk next time so that it was a little thinner. I blended it initially with all the gravy and maybe half a cup of milk (?????), but it ended up the consistency of a milk shake. I added a bunch more milk until it was fluid enough to drink from a glass without the aid of a spoon. In retrospect, it could be thinner. It was about the same consistency as a smoothie you get from Jamba Juice or something. But, you know, full of sausage, onions, butter, and garlic.

Michael was over to eat my chicken adobo and hang out and he insisted on trying my evil genius creation. He approved. It’s just that damned good. Maybe this will help me gain back some of the 15 pounds I’ve lost since my surgery. Shit, those two glasses are probably worth at least 5 pounds right there.

I suppose the real question is, would I make it again? You bet your sweet ass I would. This would be easily modified to become a thick and hearty soup, or you could use leftover Thanksgiving dinner and make something else truly extraordinary.

And don’t forget it.