This is an internet classic, and I am sure you can understand why. I mean, just look at it. Bad composites, silly song, inane content, utterly sincere performer, the whole thing might as well be an object lesson in the perfect viral internet video. And the Youtube hits—6,161,198 as of this writing—suggest that I am correct.
What I think is really great about this though is the purity and naïveté of the sentiment Bangs is expressing. It’s not about bitches and bling and popping 9s, but about taking some nice girl he fancies on a date where he is going to make sure she gets popcorn and has a nice time because he likes her. Beneath all the imported US trappings of modern hip hop (money everywhere, pimp gadgets, gold chains, the trappings of the “baller” life style) is a sweet song about young romance. “Let me take you to the movies, shorty. I’m sure later on you’ll be my baby.” He’s courting her with nary a mention of ass shaking or pussy popping. Refreshing, right?
“Hey shorty, where you at, where you going? Can I see you later, because I can see you’re busy right now.” Respectful to a fault. Good man, Bangs, good man.
It would have been better if they’d been choreographed. And moved their feet more.
“So, uh, Karl, where do you want to have this tanz party?”
“Oh, how about that underpass about 3km from here?”
“Ok, yeah, uh, sure. What time?”
“I think noon is good.”
Learn to kick with the left leg too, bro.
I’ll give you one guess as to where all of these videos were made.
TIME’S UP!
If you said anything but “Germany”, I have one question for you: how does it feel to be so utterly wrong?
I kind of feel like cybergoths are Europe’s juggalos: I will never truly understand either subculture, but the members are devoted as all hell to looking like complete idiots. And, man, are cybergoths serious about what they do. Look at all these dance parties! All outside during the…day? In parks? And underpasses? And town squares?
Wait a second.
First, what is “cyber” about dancing in a park? And second, what is “goth” about the daytime? Shouldn’t all you Karls and Dieters and Manjas and Gretels and shit be dancing at night in some warehouse surrounded by technology? To me, the word “cybergoth” conjures images of your traditional goth type in some sort of William Gibson cyberpunk realm, dark and brooding and integrated into technology. Kind of like how Priss looks in Blade Runner once she’s done her make-up before Deckard smokes her. But these rainbow-dreaded, zipper-saturated, glowstick Krauts dancing badly on the lawn are not at all what I have in mind.
At what point do you think to yourself, “Man, you know what would look great and definitely get me laid like nonstop? Neon green fake dreads and a black respirator. I am going to be drowning in pussy, bro.” Not that a cybergoth has ever used the word “bro” but I thought it would add a little something to the statement.
Maybe I’m getting old. Maybe I lack imagination. Maybe I am a stupid, terrible prick, but I don’t get it. I don’t understand what would drive you to this sort of thing. I understand gangs and gang violence. I understand hipsters. I understand all sorts of people. But I do not understand cybergoths. Hell, I feel like I’ve got a better grip on juggalos than I’ve got on cybergoths. Does anyone want to explain these four-on-the-floor, Hot-Topic-pants-wearing, schnitzel-eating goobers to me? I need help from you, the internet. Someone tell me why I shouldn’t spend the rest of my life laughing at these clowns. Wikipedia’s not helping at all.
And don’t even get me started on the dance moves. Holy shit. It makes me want to go to one of these clubs and bust a fucking move where I don’t just spin my arms around.
First you must watch the utterly insipid inspiration here. Go ahead.
I’ll wait.
Now you can watch Sarah’s take on the video.
I think the best way to describe it is just to quote her description.
Snazzy and uncomfortable in her own crappy clothes, Sarah is ready to get drunk with her friends and maybe hook up with a dude, and hopefully remember it this time. Almost ready to go, she’s stares at you through the camera lense and intensely dances to the best song ever written.
If you’ve never seen a woman forcefully slap a sperm whale’s penis while standing ankle-deep in its gore…well, you have now. Is she too excited? Or the right amount of excited? You decide.
Apologies if you need to log in to Youtube to view the video. They’ve age restricted it because of the gaping hole in the side of the whale, I suppose. I certainly hope that’s the reason and it’s not because some spoil-sports over at Youtube find a whale’s member to be lascivious and potentially offensive. Off-putting, perhaps, but offensive no way.
This is a video of my friend Sarah dancing to Ida Maria’s “Oh My God”. I think, for this overcast Monday morning, it is going to be the perfect thing to put a little pep in your step. Enjoy and visit Sarah’s blog sarahrox.com.
Over the last couple months, my friend Lindsey and I have been coming up with taglines for salad, a meal we both find wholly dissatisfying. It all began one afternoon when she was complaining about her lunch of salad and came up with “salad. never satisfying,” to which I countered, “Salad. Meh.” Some other favorites have included, “Salad. Tossing it is the only enjoyable part” (her), “Salad. Abandon all hope ye who enter here” (me), “Salad. It doesnt count if you put fried chicken, bacon and ranch on it and claim to have a satisfying salad” (her), “Salad: The food equivalent of a Ke$ha song” (me), and so on and so forth.
You get the idea. We must have at least a hundred million billion of them at this point.
During my internet travels, I stumbled across a posting on The Hairpin which was entirely women eating salad and laughing. What the fuck. Upon sending it to her, I started giving each photo a tagline and they made me laugh enough that I wanted to share with you.
1. Salad: Cucumbers Help Me Shit.
2. Salad: Makes My Period White Like My Clothes.
3. Salad: Only Water For Me Because I'm a Mean Drunk.
4. Salad: Only Fruit for Black People? Racist As Fuck.
5. Salad: I Hate Myself.
6. Salad: There Aren't Leaves Where I Come From In The Middle East.
7. Salad: What The Fuck Are These Red Things?
8. Salad: This Is The Face I Made When My Parents Were Killed.
9. Salad: I Lie To Myself That I Enjoy It.
10. Salad: Surprise! Your Lunch FUCKING SUCKS.
11. Salad: As Bland And Unfulfilling As The Rest Of My Miserable Life.
12. Salad: Fuck Me, This Shit Sucks.
13. Salad: Feels Like Broken Glass In My Guts.
14. Salad: You'll Never Actually Eat It By The Ocean.
15. Salad: Tastes Like The Bird Shit I'm Pretty Sure Just Dropped In It.
16. Salad: Iceberg? Are You Fucking Kidding Me? Could It Be Any Worse?
