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The Black Laser

The Amazing Painting of Jeremy Geddes

I first encountered the work of Jeremy Geddes, an Australian painter, with a series of zombie paintings he did. I would link you, but they are no longer on his site. Recently he came to my attention with his series of Cosmonaut paintings, each featuring a sole Cosmonaut floating in vaguely Christ-like poses through a variety of locales. I like them not just because they are masterfully executed but because you can’t really tell if the Cosmonaut is dead or just weightless. I like to think he’s dead, but that’s just me; I listen to metal.

Go on over to his site and check out the work.

While you’re there, I’d like this. Thanks. My birthday is coming up.

My thoughts on the Gorguts/Krallice/Portal/Bloody Panda show I went to last night.

I haven’t listened to Gorguts since their 1991 release Considered Dead, but when my new buddy Vince Neilstein of MetalSucks suggested I check out the show I figured I might as well. If nothing else it would be a rocking good time and metal as fuck.

Apart from what I perceived to be a little bit of sloppiness on the lead singer’s part, the rest of Gorguts was INCREDIBLY fucking tight. And, really, when did it ever matter if Death Metal was super tight anyway? Have you heard the first Deicide record? Early Morbid Angel? Who gives a shit? The band slayed. It was really great and I would definitely go see them again. They played a couple of new songs which they referred to only as “Number 3” followed by “Number 2”. I’m having a hard time deciding which of the two was my favorite, but I’m thinking that “Number 2” for sheer intensity wins out by a narrow margin. Altogether incredible. I will definitely pick up the record Gorguts will be releasing in 2011.

The set was surprising to me because I remember Considered Dead being a run-of-the-mill kind of Death Metal record. I still have it somewhere from when I bought it in what must have been 1993. It was never high in the rotation, but bands age and change and get better or worse. It’s worth a relisten.

And then there’s Krallice. Or, then there’s wasn’t Krallice, which was real strange because at least one of their members, Colin Marsten, was there playing bass for Gorguts. Maybe I missed them? I arrived just as Bloody Panda finished which was an hour and half into when the show was scheduled to start. Too bad. I was pretty excited to check them out.

For me, the real stand out of last night was Portal. I’d heard their name bantered about on the metal blogs and whatever, but I’d never listened to them. Before I get into a description of their set, let me preface with a few videos, ok? I mean, that’s why you come to The Black Laser, right? Videos?

The first is a live performance from 2008.

The second two are part of their set from the night before I saw them.

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK. The lead singer (vocalist?) throws the claw the entire set. The set was so offensively awesome that I can barely contain myself. Not knowing anything about the band, I don’t have much to write except my undying praise for them. I am a now a die-hard Portal fan for life. I’m going to order all of their records from Amazon today. God damned amazing, man. I’ve never seen a bassist play as fast as this guy did last night. And I love the theatricality of the whole thing. It’s evil as fuck and silly and serious and awesome. The lead singer (vocalist?!) dressed a lot like I’ve always imagined the Space Pope to look like, except more of a community theatre version. The real Space Pope would never wear a strap to keep his mitre on.

But, seriously, check them out. They have to be one of the heaviest bands I’ve ever seen live. It’s a blistering wall of devastation and everyone should listen to them. Wow. Just wow.

Joe Shivers, you missed out.

One last note. It made me laugh to recognize that as I write about this br00tal, kult as fuck metal show I went to last night, I’m jamming out to Major Lazer & La Roux’s Lazerproof which was released yesterday. Hah! How contradictory can one person be? But isn’t that part of what makes life fun and interesting?

A Letter Regarding the Atmosphere of an Altogether Too Sticky and Hot Nature In My Apartment.

Dear mugginess,

You can suck my dick. I mean that. No, that’s wrong because it sounds like I want you to suck my dick. I don’t. Let’s start over, shall we?

Mugginess, you can suck on the boil-covered, blood-stained cock of a slaughtered horse. Better?

There’s nothing I like less than waking up multiple times a night sticky and sweating. It completely fucks up my sleep and then I get real dumb and real pissed. Regular old heat is fine, but this heavy air, moisture everywhere crap drives me god damned bonkers. Bonkers!

Last night I won out, though, mugginess. I have been avoiding turning on the air conditioner because it’s still May and I’ve never been fond of heavy electrical bills. But you know what’s more important than the difference between a 35 dollar and 60 dollar electrical bill? Being able to sleep. Cost/Benefit. ConEd can have the stupid 25 dollars if it means I am telling you to sit on one and spin. I managed my first good night of sleep in nearly a week since Nature decided it was time to crank the thermostat. Oh how I long for the days of Winter and easy sleeping!

So, you vile son of a bitch, I will endure the next months of your torture. You will not win. And then when Autumn rolls around again and I can safely say that you are behind me, I will laugh and dance and sing and you will be history. History! No more will I sweat as soon as I get out of the shower! No more will I have to wash my face when I arrive at the office! No more will my breathing be labored and heavy as you irritate my asthma!

And though I long for days spent relaxing in the park, enjoying the sunshine and its myriad benefits, all this heinous humidity can go straight to hell. Or the South. Whichever. Just stay the hell away from me.

Sincerely and with tremendous enmity,

The Black Laser.

The Black Laser on Twitter.

What? You didn’t know? For realz? Yes, The Black Laser is on Twitter. It’s been over in the sidebar for ages. I’ve only recently started exploring it for what it is, though, and I have to say I am having fun with it. It’s totally ridiculous. I don’t really think you can convey all that much worth caring about in 160 characters, but it’s fun to drop little lines of bullshit once in a while. If I need more than 160 characters…well, that’s what The Black Laser’s for, right?

I’ve discovered something about Twitter that I genuinely enjoy: hashtag games. If you don’t know, a hashtag is a little bit of extra text on a tweet that looks like this -> #theblacklaser. Users can then search by the hashtag. A hashtag game is when a lot of people post things using the same hashtag. I like to troll these games.

I know, I know. Joe, aren’t you a little old for trolling strangers on the interwebs? To that I say, No. Not at all. And besides, I’m not being mean, just fucking around. Here are some samples of what I mean.

See? Nothing rude. I just like to provide a little contrast to the mostly banal, boorish comments. It makes me laugh. If you’d like to play hashtag game trolling with me, follow me on the Twitter and we can play. It’s fun!