Dear mugginess,
You can suck my dick. I mean that. No, that’s wrong because it sounds like I want you to suck my dick. I don’t. Let’s start over, shall we?
Mugginess, you can suck on the boil-covered, blood-stained cock of a slaughtered horse. Better?
There’s nothing I like less than waking up multiple times a night sticky and sweating. It completely fucks up my sleep and then I get real dumb and real pissed. Regular old heat is fine, but this heavy air, moisture everywhere crap drives me god damned bonkers. Bonkers!
Last night I won out, though, mugginess. I have been avoiding turning on the air conditioner because it’s still May and I’ve never been fond of heavy electrical bills. But you know what’s more important than the difference between a 35 dollar and 60 dollar electrical bill? Being able to sleep. Cost/Benefit. ConEd can have the stupid 25 dollars if it means I am telling you to sit on one and spin. I managed my first good night of sleep in nearly a week since Nature decided it was time to crank the thermostat. Oh how I long for the days of Winter and easy sleeping!
So, you vile son of a bitch, I will endure the next months of your torture. You will not win. And then when Autumn rolls around again and I can safely say that you are behind me, I will laugh and dance and sing and you will be history. History! No more will I sweat as soon as I get out of the shower! No more will I have to wash my face when I arrive at the office! No more will my breathing be labored and heavy as you irritate my asthma!
And though I long for days spent relaxing in the park, enjoying the sunshine and its myriad benefits, all this heinous humidity can go straight to hell. Or the South. Whichever. Just stay the hell away from me.
Sincerely and with tremendous enmity,
The Black Laser.
I’m sorry you’re having such a miserable time with the mugginess and excessive amounts of sweating it’s bringing on, and I can completely understand and even sympathize with the willingness to give the electric company more money to be able to get some decent sleep. There are a couple more things you might do to help your situation. First off, try running your wrists under cold water from time to time. There are a lot of blood vessels in your wrists and running them under cold water can help cool you off quickly. Second, keep alcohol and some cloths on hand. When you just start getting too hot, wipe some rubbing alcohol on your forehead and around your neck. The evaporation pulls heat out of your skin and makes you feel cooler, in addition to getting rid of some of the excess sweat that may be irritating you.
Donald from Sage Tea Stops Sweating