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Tag: Terrible

Flynt Flossy’s “Treat Me Like a Pirate”

The stream of seemingly-more-and-more-deliberate mediocrity from Turquoise Jeep continues with 2013’s most forgettable banger that you are going to find yourself singing to yourself one day, recognize what it is, and wonder how the hell you got here. Let me smang it.

One thing: it’s 2013, guys. Get with the HD. This standard def shit is whack.

“Did I mention I like to dance?”

You did, Flynt Flossy. Quite a few times, in fact.

Keep the production values high, Turquoise Jeep!

Oh cybergoths, will you ever stop amusing me?

It would have been better if they’d been choreographed. And moved their feet more.

“So, uh, Karl, where do you want to have this tanz party?”
“Oh, how about that underpass about 3km from here?”
“Ok, yeah, uh, sure. What time?”
“I think noon is good.”

Learn to kick with the left leg too, bro.

I’ll give you one guess as to where all of these videos were made.


If you said anything but “Germany”, I have one question for you: how does it feel to be so utterly wrong?

I kind of feel like cybergoths are Europe’s juggalos: I will never truly understand either subculture, but the members are devoted as all hell to looking like complete idiots. And, man, are cybergoths serious about what they do. Look at all these dance parties! All outside during the…day? In parks? And underpasses? And town squares?

Wait a second.

First, what is “cyber” about dancing in a park? And second, what is “goth” about the daytime? Shouldn’t all you Karls and Dieters and Manjas and Gretels and shit be dancing at night in some warehouse surrounded by technology? To me, the word “cybergoth” conjures images of your traditional goth type in some sort of William Gibson cyberpunk realm, dark and brooding and integrated into technology. Kind of like how Priss looks in Blade Runner once she’s done her make-up before Deckard smokes her. But these rainbow-dreaded, zipper-saturated, glowstick Krauts dancing badly on the lawn are not at all what I have in mind.

At what point do you think to yourself, “Man, you know what would look great and definitely get me laid like nonstop? Neon green fake dreads and a black respirator. I am going to be drowning in pussy, bro.” Not that a cybergoth has ever used the word “bro” but I thought it would add a little something to the statement.

Maybe I’m getting old. Maybe I lack imagination. Maybe I am a stupid, terrible prick, but I don’t get it. I don’t understand what would drive you to this sort of thing. I understand gangs and gang violence. I understand hipsters. I understand all sorts of people. But I do not understand cybergoths. Hell, I feel like I’ve got a better grip on juggalos than I’ve got on cybergoths. Does anyone want to explain these four-on-the-floor, Hot-Topic-pants-wearing, schnitzel-eating goobers to me? I need help from you, the internet. Someone tell me why I shouldn’t spend the rest of my life laughing at these clowns. Wikipedia’s not helping at all.

And don’t even get me started on the dance moves. Holy shit. It makes me want to go to one of these clubs and bust a fucking move where I don’t just spin my arms around.

What a bunch of g-d assholes.

LA is basically the worst place in the world for metal.

You read the headline. LA fucking sucks for good metal. Sure, it has its occasional standouts (early Fear Factory for one), but so much of what gets produced there is such filth that I want to claw my eyes out and drop a fucking bomb on the place. Worse is that there are bands from other places that emulate the LA scene and spread the cancer of shitty ass metal around the country.

Don’t believe me? Here’s an example of what LA brings to the metal scene.

What the fuck, LA. Fuck you and your bullshit. This is the worst thing ever.

Let me help you cleanse your palette a little with this gem by a band from about as far away from LA as you can get.

So much better.