The Black Laser

How to pick a bicycle in a world of choice with limited resources.

June 3, 2010 |

Wow. Yesterday’s post about how I’m a fraidy-cat and need to stop being such a wuss has brought people out of the woodwork regarding the bicycle purchase. Good to know that a) people read my blatherings and b) people are in support of the bike purchase. Thanks, everyone! Though Michael did tell me he thinks it’s a good idea I DON’T drink whiskey since it will lead to a lot more shit talking.

I responded to him by asking if there’s actually more shit to talk?

SO, now I have to decide what sort of bicycle I want to get. And I’m currently overwhelmed by the choices. Do I want to get a road bike? Charles said that they are for assholes and commuters, but I’m kind of an asshole, so maybe that’s the right choice? Do I want a touring bike? A hybrid bike? A cruiser? Do I actually want a mountain bike even though I’m pretty sure I don’t?

And what size? The table on About.com seems to indicate that I want something in the 23-24″ range since I’m 6’1″ with a 34″ inseam. But what range would be comfortable?

And then there’s the issue of money. Since I won’t be working the next few weeks at all, I don’t want to drop a whole lot of money on this thing, especially since it’s my first bike in a decade and a half. Really, it’s just for putting around town and getting some exercise, so it doesn’t need to be all crazy and shit. I don’t need the 4000 dollar carbon fiber bike that weighs like 3 pounds. I wouldn’t mind spending 150-200 dollars on the thing. It’s enough that I won’t be buying a completely thrashed piece of crap, but not so much that if it gets broken or stolen that I’ll be devastated.

I’ve been reading the Brooklyn Craig’s List classifieds, but all it’s doing is making me feel overwhelmed.

Any thoughts out there, interwebs land?

> Continue reading...

A handful of things I am a little afraid of but want to do this summer because I am afraid of them. UPDATE: one additional thing added.

June 2, 2010 |

Thoughts

Otherwise known as, “Stop being such a fucking pussy, Joe.” This is really all a part of this whole introspection kick I’ve been on recently, so it’s not surprising to me that I feel motivated to do something with these feelings. Funny thing, I had a drink with Adam last night, who I referenced in my previous introspection post, and he answered the questions I posed at the very end of the post about what to do with all this newfound awareness. His answer? A very simple, “Have patience,” meaning to take a step back and check myself when I find myself getting all worked up about some stupid thing or worrying about nothing or whatever. I thought that was pretty good. Thanks, Adam.

Back on track, there are a few things I’d like to do this summer. In no particular order, they are:

Get a tattoo. I don’t have any, even though I’ve been thinking about getting one since I was 11. I think the main reason I don’t have any is that I’m a little scared of permanence. I’m not able to easily make long lasting decisions, and a tattoo, though mundane, is one of those decisions. I’ve never been able to decide on anything long enough that I wanted to keep it in my skin for the rest of my life. But, you know what? I think I’m just being a big pussy la la about it and just need to do it. I mean, why the fuck not? My body is already covered with reminders of past mistakes, so why not just make a choice and go for it?
My friend Charles has planned a dinosaur-themed party for his birthday in a few weeks. Part of the plan is to get dinosaur tattoos. He sent me a link to East River Tattoo which is right in our neighborhood. I particularly like shop owner Duke’s work. His pieces look like old wood prints, which is a fairly different style. I think it’s real cool.
Ride a bicycle around NY. Let’s be honest, I don’t exercise enough. I know it. You know it. Everyone god damned knows it. And, now that I live in Greenpoint, a biking hot spot to be certain, I feel like I really want to get out there and just bicycle. Problem is I haven’t really ridden in like 16 years. I’m not worried that I won’t be able to ride a bike. I am worried, however, about all the street traffic in the neighborhood. Again, this is totally just me being a complete pussy. I have zero problem driving a car all over town, and that has a whole lot more potential for fucking things up. Buying a bike is no significant financial burden. I even have a spot to put it away in the backyard of my building.
So what’s stopping me? The answer? Nothing. I’m just being a complete idiot about it. In the immortal words of Freddie Mercury….. (warning: naked girls on bikes in the video.)
Drink whiskey. I am a beer and wine man. I don’t often drink liquor mostly because I feel like I’ve fucked myself up on it so many times that my body just says, “No thanks.” Fuck you, body. Don’t get me wrong. I love beer and I love wine, but I need to stop feeling intimidated by good ol’ whiskey and just broaden my palette. I don’t want to do shots of the stuff, but I do want to develop an appreciation of it in the same way that I can appreciate a great beer or an amazing bottle of red. Stop being a pussy, Joe, and just drink the whiskey.
I mean, what would The Clancy Brothers say? Probably this:

I bet there are some other things I’m worried about doing that I just need to get over and do, but these have been at the forefront of my consciousness recently. Do any of you feel this way about things? What have you been afraid of doing that you haven’t yet done but that you think you should? I can’t be the only weirdo out there that thinks like this.

> Continue reading...

Hello, Invisible Oranges readers!

June 1, 2010 |

About Music and Music

If you’re reading this, you’ve clicked the link on the post about me winning the Ryan Lipynsky Guitar World cover contest. Pretty sweet.

Here’s the winning entry for those of you who don’t read Invisible Oranges but have come here on your own.

I think my favorite part of the whole thing was picking the songs to be tabs. Regular readers will also recognize the claw I used as a bullet as the same from The Black Laser’s Seal of Approval. It’s my hand throwing what I call the metal claw, but which Cosmo Lee at Invisible Oranges called invisible oranges. Get it? I know you do.

Anyway, it was fun and I’m psyched to have won the record. The more metal, the better, I think.

And because harmonized growls WILL fuck your shit up, here’s an example of one of my favorites.

You’ll notice, too, that the tab for this song is included in my issue of Guitar World.

> Continue reading...

Introspection, is it for the birds?

June 1, 2010 |

Thoughts

With all this newly found free time I have, I’ve come to realize a few things about myself. Typically introspection is not my game. I prefer instead to blindly run through life without a clue about why I do things or why I am the way I am. I think it provides a more comfortable background for being the sort of absurd bastard that I am. Nevertheless, in the quiet moments, I have learned some things.

First, I am essentially an anxious person. If I have nothing to worry about—and often I don’t—I will manufacture something to be stressed out about, something the make me lose sleep. It’s like anxiety is the fuel for the engine of my life. It’s funny because I’s always thought of myself as sort of an easy going person, but the evidence does not lie. You’ll find plenty of examples of me bitching about being stressed out on this site. They’re everywhere.

Next, I am horrible at being alone. I spent a lot of time in my past relationship desperately seeking alone time, but now that all I have is alone time I don’t want it. I don’t want to go back to the intensely togetherness of living with someone, but I wish I had someone to play with basically all the time. If you’re reading this and in New York, you’ve gotten a call or text from me beseeching you to come and while away an afternoon with me. For example, I’ve been trying to get my friend Adam to hang out for weeks, but he is constantly scheduled and busy. I’ve been trying all sorts of peer pressure tactics—both vinegar and honey—but to no avail. If you’ve turned me down, I’m not mad.

Next, I am terrible at saying “no” to things. This ties in with the last bit of revelatory self awareness. If a friend calls me and asks me to go out and I’ve been out every night for three weeks and desperately need sleep and have work early the next day, I will say “yes” every time. The thought of saying “no” makes me anxious (see?) enough that I just don’t do it. Life is too short for “no”s and “later”s. Have fun and enjoy it. But once in a while, you probably need to sleep too. This is a lesson I am learning. Then again, as Stephin Merritt once sang, “There’ll be time enough for sleeping when we’re dead. You can have a velvet pillow for your head. But tonight I think I’d rather just go dancing.”

The real question is what to do with all this knowledge? What does a man do with awareness of self? Change? Understand? Regret? Enlighten? Do my motivations change by being understood? Or do I keep spinning the same wheel, a hamster perpetually running but making no process?

> Continue reading...

The Onion: “Dept. Of Evil: ‘All Of You Must Die'”

May 27, 2010 |

About Writing, Thoughts and Writing

I feel like The Onion wrote this article just for me. I think this passage will illustrate what I’m mean.

Although the Department of Evil has not yet announced the exact timetable for the death of all, it recommends citizens make their peace with doomed relatives and spouses immediately, as the hour of their ending draws ever nigh and will be upon them as soon as the necessary funding has been authorized by the House Appropriations Committee.

“This budget approval is merely a pitiful, niggling formality, for soon we’ll be free to swarm across the land draining the life-pus out of all you quivering mortal worms,” Reynolds said. “Doubt us not: Come the wintertide, you all shall die, and die you will. Sorry, I meant ‘must.’ Die you must!”

Really though, you should just head on over to The Onion and read the damn article. Then come back and tell me what you think. It’s easily the funniest thing I’ve read on The Onion all day.

> Continue reading...

The Amazing Painting of Jeremy Geddes

May 27, 2010 |

Thoughts

I first encountered the work of Jeremy Geddes, an Australian painter, with a series of zombie paintings he did. I would link you, but they are no longer on his site. Recently he came to my attention with his series of Cosmonaut paintings, each featuring a sole Cosmonaut floating in vaguely Christ-like poses through a variety of locales. I like them not just because they are masterfully executed but because you can’t really tell if the Cosmonaut is dead or just weightless. I like to think he’s dead, but that’s just me; I listen to metal.

Go on over to his site and check out the work.

While you’re there, I’d like this. Thanks. My birthday is coming up.

> Continue reading...

My thoughts on the Gorguts/Krallice/Portal/Bloody Panda show I went to last night.

May 27, 2010 |

About Music and Music

I haven’t listened to Gorguts since their 1991 release Considered Dead, but when my new buddy Vince Neilstein of MetalSucks suggested I check out the show I figured I might as well. If nothing else it would be a rocking good time and metal as fuck.

Apart from what I perceived to be a little bit of sloppiness on the lead singer’s part, the rest of Gorguts was INCREDIBLY fucking tight. And, really, when did it ever matter if Death Metal was super tight anyway? Have you heard the first Deicide record? Early Morbid Angel? Who gives a shit? The band slayed. It was really great and I would definitely go see them again. They played a couple of new songs which they referred to only as “Number 3” followed by “Number 2”. I’m having a hard time deciding which of the two was my favorite, but I’m thinking that “Number 2” for sheer intensity wins out by a narrow margin. Altogether incredible. I will definitely pick up the record Gorguts will be releasing in 2011.

The set was surprising to me because I remember Considered Dead being a run-of-the-mill kind of Death Metal record. I still have it somewhere from when I bought it in what must have been 1993. It was never high in the rotation, but bands age and change and get better or worse. It’s worth a relisten.

And then there’s Krallice. Or, then there’s wasn’t Krallice, which was real strange because at least one of their members, Colin Marsten, was there playing bass for Gorguts. Maybe I missed them? I arrived just as Bloody Panda finished which was an hour and half into when the show was scheduled to start. Too bad. I was pretty excited to check them out.

For me, the real stand out of last night was Portal. I’d heard their name bantered about on the metal blogs and whatever, but I’d never listened to them. Before I get into a description of their set, let me preface with a few videos, ok? I mean, that’s why you come to The Black Laser, right? Videos?

The first is a live performance from 2008.

The second two are part of their set from the night before I saw them.

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK. The lead singer (vocalist?) throws the claw the entire set. The set was so offensively awesome that I can barely contain myself. Not knowing anything about the band, I don’t have much to write except my undying praise for them. I am a now a die-hard Portal fan for life. I’m going to order all of their records from Amazon today. God damned amazing, man. I’ve never seen a bassist play as fast as this guy did last night. And I love the theatricality of the whole thing. It’s evil as fuck and silly and serious and awesome. The lead singer (vocalist?!) dressed a lot like I’ve always imagined the Space Pope to look like, except more of a community theatre version. The real Space Pope would never wear a strap to keep his mitre on.

But, seriously, check them out. They have to be one of the heaviest bands I’ve ever seen live. It’s a blistering wall of devastation and everyone should listen to them. Wow. Just wow.

Joe Shivers, you missed out.

One last note. It made me laugh to recognize that as I write about this br00tal, kult as fuck metal show I went to last night, I’m jamming out to Major Lazer & La Roux’s Lazerproof which was released yesterday. Hah! How contradictory can one person be? But isn’t that part of what makes life fun and interesting?

> Continue reading...

A Letter Regarding the Atmosphere of an Altogether Too Sticky and Hot Nature In My Apartment.

May 26, 2010 |

Letters and Writing

Dear mugginess,

You can suck my dick. I mean that. No, that’s wrong because it sounds like I want you to suck my dick. I don’t. Let’s start over, shall we?

Mugginess, you can suck on the boil-covered, blood-stained cock of a slaughtered horse. Better?

There’s nothing I like less than waking up multiple times a night sticky and sweating. It completely fucks up my sleep and then I get real dumb and real pissed. Regular old heat is fine, but this heavy air, moisture everywhere crap drives me god damned bonkers. Bonkers!

Last night I won out, though, mugginess. I have been avoiding turning on the air conditioner because it’s still May and I’ve never been fond of heavy electrical bills. But you know what’s more important than the difference between a 35 dollar and 60 dollar electrical bill? Being able to sleep. Cost/Benefit. ConEd can have the stupid 25 dollars if it means I am telling you to sit on one and spin. I managed my first good night of sleep in nearly a week since Nature decided it was time to crank the thermostat. Oh how I long for the days of Winter and easy sleeping!

So, you vile son of a bitch, I will endure the next months of your torture. You will not win. And then when Autumn rolls around again and I can safely say that you are behind me, I will laugh and dance and sing and you will be history. History! No more will I sweat as soon as I get out of the shower! No more will I have to wash my face when I arrive at the office! No more will my breathing be labored and heavy as you irritate my asthma!

And though I long for days spent relaxing in the park, enjoying the sunshine and its myriad benefits, all this heinous humidity can go straight to hell. Or the South. Whichever. Just stay the hell away from me.

Sincerely and with tremendous enmity,

The Black Laser.

> Continue reading...