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Posts published in “Life”

Dangerously bored.

August 3, 2011 |

Thoughts

I have been walking a mental knife edge recently. Everything has been stressing me out. Work stresses me out. Not working stresses me out. Friends stress me out. Being alone stresses me out. Eating stresses me out. Not eating stresses me out. My body stresses me out. My brain stresses me out. I’m flipping my shit (quietly on the inside) over all sorts of totally trivial bullshit things. Oh, I have to make changes? STRESS. Oh, I’m waiting around not making changes? STRESS. I need to do the dishes? STRESS. I am waiting for someone to call me back? STRESS. I am supposed to meet up with someone? STRESS. I have to pick up my laundry? STRESS. I have to wake up? STRESS. I have to go to sleep? STRESS. Everything. Anything. So much stress over absolutely nothing. It’s all nothing. SO much nothing that I am stressed out about. Get cbd oil body lotion that is a natural remedy and doesn’t give you any side effects, look for products made for organic grown cannabis, here you can find the best cbd oil at dmagazine for your needs. It won’t get you high and will reduce your stress levels a lot.

For example, I am supposed to spend 8 days with my friend JJ in Spain in September which should be an exciting thing. We’re going to a wedding and then we’re going to cruise around northern Spain eating ham and drinking red wine. I’ve spent a lot of the last few weeks trying to convince myself that it is exciting when what I actually feel about it is dread. I am worried about the cost, I am worried about the time spent not earning, I am worried about this little thing and that little thing. Am I not going to go? Of course not. I’ll go. But I am going to spend every moment until then worrying about it.

I started writing something for this site today that is heartfelt and reveals something about me and I felt pretty good about until I spent three seconds away from it and now I am worried that it’s self-indulgent tripe. What the fuck, Joe. It’s my blog, and I can write whatever I want at whatever quality I find acceptable. I’ve put some real trash on this site before and I will in the future. It’s my prerogative.

And that goes for my other writing too. People ask me, “Man, why haven’t you been writing?” and I like to say, “You know, it’s just not coming to me right now. There will be time for it,” which is partially true but I am neglecting to mention that I am always worrying that everything I do is fucking stupid, that all the time I spend working on this craft which is important to me is wasted. That all of everything I create is trash.

I even do the same thing at work when cutting a job. I worry that every rough cut I do is garbage that people are going to hate my work and I don’t sleep and I get paralyzed into inaction and force myself through the process—one which I quite enjoy and find truly rewarding—because I am worried. Stress stress stress. And have I ever EVER had a client see what I’ve done and say, “Holy shit, this is the worst fucking crap ever, you’re an idiot”? No. Not once. In fact, I’ve never had clients be anything but positive about my work. Clearly, real life experience has no affect on whether or not I am going to worry about something.

And then there’s the social anxiety. What’s that about? I am an outgoing person, but I am constantly worried about my relationships with people. Over nothing. I’ve not done anything wrong, but I imagine horrible things I might have done and start to get all stressy pants about nothing. Foolishness. I wake up worried and I go to bed worried. The only way I can sleep is to be so tired I literally cannot keep my eyes open. If I am not periodically losing consciousness, I am not yet tired enough to go to sleep.

This all plays into my theme this year of slowing my roll. I think the reason I get stressed out (har har) about my drinking is that I know somewhere deep down that what I am doing is not in the name of good times or blowing off steam, but in the interest of hiding from these insane anxious feelings boiling around in my head and chest. I hit the bar wracked on the inside with needless worries, but after a few drinks I start to feel better, and then after a few more even better and I hardly remember that I was stressed as fuck over minutiae when I walked in. Then I wake up after a night of heavy drinking and I feel like a fucking asshole, worse than before, and I start getting stressed out about imagined slights against other people, about bridges I’ve burnt, about shadows in my memory haunting me. I still cannot spend much time around Thompson street and West 3rd, and those ghosts are ancient.

I like to fantasize that I will just ditch everything I own and disappear into the mists and that everything will be ok. While this is a seductive fantasy, I know that it won’t help. No matter where I go, there I am, with the same stupid fucking brain stressing me out about everything. Sometimes I want to punch a wall. Sometimes I want to curl up and hide. Sometimes I want to run away, others I want to stay. I don’t know what the right thing to do is and I don’t know how to address it. I feel crazy and it’s not new. I’ve written about it before and I am sure I will write about it again.

Where can I go to take a vacation from myself? What the hell is going on? Why do I feel this way? I do I still feel this way? Am I just bored and desperately in need of change? What the hell would I do differently? Where would I go? How would I fill my time? So many questions and so few answers. What respite is there? Some suggest taking a trip (which I am going to do) but that’s just running away for a minute and not addressing the issue, whatever it might be. Do you people ever feel like this? What do you do? Where do you find tranquility? How do you calm the storm? See, look, I’m even stressed out about how fucking banal this post is.

> Continue reading...Dangerously bored.

Creative Projects-June: Oh, Christ, again?!, or, Hello, velocipede.

July 6, 2011 |

About Music, About Writing, Music, Thoughts and Writing

It’s July 5th now and…wait. What the fuck? Where did June go?! Did this happen again?! Oh Christ. I had a whole month to accomplish something, yet my tally for projects for this year still stands at 4 of 12. Pathetic! Sure, it was a busy month at work and I did a lot of good stuff there, but none of that counts! Curses!

In other news, I’ve done quite well, I think, in pursuit of my other goal of slowing my roll. I’ve not been going out during the week, a new thing for me I assure you. I’m sleeping well, money stays in my pocket, and I feel good. All that is great.

I bought a bike this weekend and I am very excited about it. Not only did I fulfill a goal I set for myself last summer, but it feels damned good to ride around zipping past people. It should come as no surprise that I ride my bicycle like I walk: fast as hell. Why go slowly?!

In summary, not a lot to say this month. Hopefully July is more productive now that I’m feeling nice and easy about not drinking on school nights. Even a single drink is an impediment to my ability to produce creative work and staying dry will help. At the end of June I thought I would not be working again until Ford comes back mid-August and was looking forward to having a bunch of empty days to fill with projects and things, but last week I got all booked up. Good for my pocket book, not good for my free time. I’d rather be working than not, though, so it’s all right in the end.

I’m two behind at this point and something needs to give. My brain is not very creative these days and about the only thing I can think of is jokes in 140 characters or less. Summer time is a tough, stupid time for me. This is going to be tough.

Stay tuned, Black Laserites!

> Continue reading...Creative Projects-June: Oh, Christ, again?!, or, Hello, velocipede.

It’s my birthday.

June 17, 2011 |

Thoughts

I am 29 years old. It is an insignificant marker, but that’s where I am. Happy birthday to me. That is all.

I wish The Black Laser a productive, magical year. Everyone who reads this should enjoy a delicious treat in honor of my birthday. I don’t care what it is, but send me a photo.

Love you all.

edit//Here’s something else I learned: I share the same birthday as Iceland. Let’s all eat sheep’s face and rotten shark! Huzzah!

> Continue reading...It’s my birthday.

Welcome To Earth, Corinne Katherine Dillingham!

June 9, 2011 |

Thoughts

Yesterday my lovely sister in law Leah gave birth to her second daughter, named Corinne Katherine Dillingham. Originally due on my birthday (6/17), she decided she was sick of being cooped up in Leah’s womb and thought that yesterday was a good time to emerge in San Francisco. My sort-of sister in law Beata works at the same hospital as a nurse and excitedly came online to IM me that Leah was going into labor and that she was SOOOOO EXCITED and had to share since Cha was still at work.

Well, then I got all excited and texted my brother and Leah wishing them “Good luck with the hatching!!”

He replied, “The alien will come out through the ribcage.”

To which I replied, “Catch it before it burns a hole in the floor and kills everyone else, Ripley.” Then I requested photos. Which he sent! Do you want to see?! Of course you do!

What a lovely family.

Welcome to planet earth, you crazy little shit. You’re in for a wild ride.

> Continue reading...Welcome To Earth, Corinne Katherine Dillingham!

Creative Projects-May: Getting back into the roll, or, Where did April go?!

June 1, 2011 |

About Filmmaking, About Music, About Writing, Film & TV, Music, Thoughts and Writing

Ok, right off the old proverbial bat, let us all address my biggest failing of the last month: no Creative Projects-April post. What the hell happened to that? Why have I failed you, my loyal readers, so dearly?! How could I possibly ever make it up to you and continue to enjoy your (conditional) love?!? I blame myself and a couple of other reasons. First, I didn’t actually do anything creative on a personal level in April. Sure, there were blog posts about music videos and some other crap who knows what it was about, but I didn’t engage in any real creative pursuits in the month so I was pretty embarrassed about that, especially since I didn’t accomplish a damned thing in March either. Work on the WBDPE hadn’t continued—though the project has not been abandoned—since it might end up taking a change in direction. I had some other writing ideas that never panned out because I was a stupid asshole for a lot of the month. And then, to wrap up my spat of excuses, I was in Lons Smangeles for a couple weeks working on a big old Ford job which I brought back to NY and kept me busy into May. Add to that a few other jobbie jobs here at No6 and it was actually a pretty busy month for me.

Excuses. Excuses. Excuses. So many excuses.

I know it. And, part of this year’s theme, is that professional projects don’t really count, so, though I actually was pretty creative in April, none of it counts toward my tally. They’re my rules and I’ll stand by them.

But May was better! I completed two (2) creative projects which helps make up for the big zeros (0s) in March and April. Let’s discuss them, shall we?

1st – The inaugural The Black Laser Reads. I’d been talking and thinking about and planning this project for a long time, so it felt particularly sweet to execute it. I have the next one planned out and intend to start it tonight when I get home. It will keep me from going to the bar! For a while! Woo woo.

2nd – Two (2) Get Drunk Tonights for Vox Critica. This one is pretty funny because it flies right in the face of this year’s secondary theme of slowing my roll. But the write-ups are fun and good and I think they do a good job of communicating something about me: I have strong opinions about bars. I am not a ranter or a raver (love me some house music though) and you’ll notice that most of the writing about personal stuff here on The Black Laser isn’t long-winded blocks of opinion and information. Some people are really good about that sort of thing and actually have really decent, smart things to say and I enjoy reading them. I have tremendous respect for people who can sit an organize their thoughts into coherent, concise articles about things. People who analyze and consider and weigh data and topics and other opinions and the ramifications of some event or predict the ways things might go based on limited information.

I am not one of those people.

When I get excited, my whole opinion of something can be boiled down to, “That’s awesome!! YEEEAHHHHHH!!!!” and that’s it. I don’t objectively criticize or evaluate or break things down. I’m just full-bore, head-down, running at the wall because I’m stoked on how it makes my head feel to impact the bricks. Even when I don’t like something, my opinions usually akin to, “Sure, I didn’t like this and this, and that other thing was pretty whack, but I guess it’s ok. They clearly worked pretty hard on it.” I basically have to either love something or absolutely abhor it to have strong opinions. As it turns out, I have pretty strong opinions about bars. Who’d have thought? (answer: everyone.)

Writing the Get Drunk Tonights might be the only opinion piece I am capable of writing with any regularity. There are just so many bars out there and I have thoughts about every single one of them. Want to know how I feel about The Woods? Or Union Pool? Or Ace Bar? Niagra? Lakeside Lounge? Off the Wagon? The Mark Bar? Barcade? Duff’s? Pencil Factory? Lulu’s? Alligator Lounge? McDougal Street Ale House? Enid’s? Bar Matchless? 119 Lounge? Motor City? Max Fish? More?!?!?! SO MANY MORE?!?!?! I could easily write you a recommendation for any of those bars in a heartbeat. Well, some of them might not be a recommendation, more of a gentle (not gentle) warning against going there, but the point stands.

Even if it contradicts this year’s secondary theme, I think this is and will continue to be a good outlet for me and a way to help me learn to recommend things to people without just saying, “Dude, what the fuck that place is so awesome!”

Now, what about my stated secondary goal of slowing my roll? April and May were complete fucking washes on that count. After my masterful March, I bounced right back in my stupid old patterns of partying too much. Where are my healthy outlets? Where is my motivation to stay home? Where is my motivation for moderation? Guh. It’s getting bad too. I’m being an asshole to people while drunk that I wouldn’t be normally and I find that very distressing. It makes me feel like a real son of a bitch. I’ve always struggled with being a stupid, arrogant prick. I feel like it is something I’ve wrangled when my brain is firing all cylinders, but once in a while too much purple drank and I turn into a raging prick asshole motherfucker and have to hear about it afterwards from people, usually sending me into a few days of crippling self-doubt, which is kind of a funny way for it to turn out. Not funny haha, funny ironic. Oh, the guilt isn’t nice either. It’s a quite annoying cycle of feel good about myself/drink/do something horrible/hate myself. Why do I do this bullshit all the time? Am I bored? Hopelessly fucked up? Can I learn to moderate? Or should I just lay off all together? And let’s not talk about how much I hate blacking out. Sorry, mom.

We’ll see if June can be better. I just have to stay engaged with some projects, hide out from the heat at home, and keep my head forward. Overall, good creative month, shitty slowing my roll months. Let’s see if we can have both at the same time!! Yay, June!

> Continue reading...Creative Projects-May: Getting back into the roll, or, Where did April go?!

Why the world will end on May 21st at 6pm

May 18, 2011 |

Thoughts

You’ve all heard about it, but I assume most of you don’t know the mathematical rationale behind why, come 6pm this coming Saturday, the world will end. I bet you all really want to know too, and who am I to deny my wonderful audience information which may save their eternal souls in very short order? I am a benevolent and giving Space Pope and command that only some of you be sent to the fire (you know who you are). The rest of you should read up on the following information from Wikipedia on why you should be preparing yourself for the forthcoming Rapture on Saturday at 6pm (sorry, no adjustments for GMT).

Another argument that Camping uses in favor of the May 21st date is as follows:

  1. According to Camping, the number five equals “atonement”, the number ten equals “completeness”, and the number seventeen equals “heaven”.
  2. Christ is said to have hung on the cross on April 1, 33 AD. The time between April 1, 33 AD and April 1, 2011 is 1,978 years.
  3. If 1,978 is multiplied by 365.2422 days (the number of days in a solar year, not to be confused with the lunar year), the result is 722,449.
  4. The time between April 1 and May 21 is 51 days.
  5. 51 added to 722,449 is 722,500.
  6. (5 × 10 × 17)2 or (atonement × completeness × heaven)2 also equals 722,500.

Thus, Camping concludes that 5 × 10 × 17 is telling us a “story from the time Christ made payment for our sins until we’re completely saved.”

Get all that? Flawless proof that this Saturday, just before supper, God’s Heaven will open up and usher in the end of the world. I wonder, though, if this is only for the Earth or also for the other alien civilizations out that we have yet to contact with the wondrous Good News. Seems a little unfair to just have the whole universe up and disappear without at least giving some of those other folks warning. But, then, who am I to question the mighty, infallible revelations of the One True Christian God?

Get your rocks of kiddies! Indulge and sin and lay with members of your same gender! Get divorced and kill someone and eat pork! Because the world’s ending on Saturday and we only have a little time left! Just make sure you devote (the remainder of) your life to Christ somewhere around 5/5:30 pm on Saturday. Wouldn’t want to get stuck in the eternal Fire, would we?

> Continue reading...Why the world will end on May 21st at 6pm