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Tag: The Onion

The Onion – Pop Star’s Single, ‘Booty Wave’, Most Likely Civilization’s Downfall

Pop Star’s Single, ‘Booty Wave’, Most Likely Civilization’s Downfall

Yet again The Onion hits the nail square on the head. Mocking the increasingly trashy pop stars of our day and age, the clip just kills it with every line. Incredible, sad, and funny. Horrifying, really, in its absolute truth. Although, I am pretty confident that the fake video in the above talk show clip is actually less insipid than the Alexandra Stan video I’m posting below.

Surprising right? With the lengths The Onion went to make their parody as ridiculous as they could they could still not top the bad taste of some shitty Eastern European producer and his overly made-up 5 of a pop starlet.

Joad Cressbeckler: Homosexuality a Necessity on Cold Mountaintops

Joad Cressbeckler: Homosexuality A Necessity On Cold Mountaintops

I love Joad Cressbeckler. Let me provide you with a quotation exeplifying exactly why I love him.

You say it ain’t right for two old prospectors to tongue at each other’s peckers to keep ’em from droppin’ off in the frostbite?!

This video had me laughing until my cheeks hurt, especially the discussion of the differences in taste between cow brains and man brains and whether or not cows have minds. Genius. Who writes this shit? This is the best work The Onion does. So good every single time.

Enter the Water Jug Ninja

Well, we all know who to call when suburbia’s water bottle population stages a coup and needs to be “dealt with”.

Besides the pure absurdity of this video (hello rainbow handle tape, did that come from a little girl’s tennis racket?), at least the music by The Black Laser favorites Die Antwoord is rad. You know what, fuck it, because you’ll get bored halfway through this video like I did, here’s the proper music video for “Enter the Ninja”.

And then there’s this.

Ninja Parade Slips Through Town Unnoticed Once Again

Thanks, Gardner!

New Joad Cressbeckler! New Joad Cressbeckler!

Joad Cressbeckler Fears Genetic Modification Causes ‘Wrath-Minded Taters’

“Them Hebrews what signed my promissory note come to me and said ol’ Joad needed to have a book.”

“Who and what’s behind these taters monkeyshines?!”

“Tater disease what brung us Irish.”

“You’re tater mindin’ you’re lookin’ to infiltrate ol’ Joad’s cabin but you’re too late!”

I can not get enough of these. I love the Onion’s video news segments, but these are such genius that I wish they did them every week. I would repost every single one because I love them so so so so so so much. Everybody needs ornery old prospectors in their lives. I do.

Joad Cressbeckler: NASA Honeyfuggling America With Nonsense Space Dreams

Joad Cressbeckler: NASA Honeyfuggling America With Nonsense Space Dreams

My homie Joad is back with another installment of The Cressbeckler Stance. Honestly, if this doesn’t make you laugh so hard your cheeks hurt, get off my site right now. You have no business here.

The Swell Season covers Neutral Milk Hotel’s “Two Headed Boy”

The Swell Season covers Neutral Milk Hotel

The Onion’s AV Club has had a series of musicians come in to cover other famous songs. This week is The Swell Season covering one of my favorite songs from one of my favorite records by one of my favorite long-defunct bands, “Two-Headed Boy” by Neutral Milk Hotel from In The Aeroplane Over The Sea. It’s a damned good cover, too. I have no idea who these guys are, but in this instance at least they have excellent taste.

In case you’ve been living in a cave for the last 15 years, here’s the original.

[audio:|artists=Neutral Milk Hotel|titles=Two-Headed Boy]

Pretty awesome, right?

The Onion: “Dept. Of Evil: ‘All Of You Must Die'”

I feel like The Onion wrote this article just for me. I think this passage will illustrate what I’m mean.

Although the Department of Evil has not yet announced the exact timetable for the death of all, it recommends citizens make their peace with doomed relatives and spouses immediately, as the hour of their ending draws ever nigh and will be upon them as soon as the necessary funding has been authorized by the House Appropriations Committee.

“This budget approval is merely a pitiful, niggling formality, for soon we’ll be free to swarm across the land draining the life-pus out of all you quivering mortal worms,” Reynolds said. “Doubt us not: Come the wintertide, you all shall die, and die you will. Sorry, I meant ‘must.’ Die you must!”

Really though, you should just head on over to The Onion and read the damn article. Then come back and tell me what you think. It’s easily the funniest thing I’ve read on The Onion all day.

The Onion: Joad Cressbeckler Is Back To Claim Rightful Title As Most Ornery Pundit Alive

Joad Cressbeckler Is Back To Claim Rightful Title As Most Ornery Pundit Alive

This made my face hurt as I tried not to bust into laughter in the office. I’ve loved The Onion’s videos ever since the first one I saw, the Ninja Parade one. God, I love me some good 1900s humor. His predications list? “Ain’t Heard The Last Of That Tesla Fellow”? “Spanish Fitting to Rise Up”? So fucking great.

Pretty for a Chinese.

Click on through to The Onion’s site to see the video in its native 16:9 format.