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Posts tagged as “I am right”

A list of things that DO and DO NOT combine well

Here are some things I think mix well.

  • Brown gravy and cranberry sauce.
  • Tater tots and honey roasted peanuts.
  • Grind and electro.
  • Sopressata and goat cheese.

Here are some things I think mix poorly.

  • Genitals and zippers.
  • Yams and marshmallows.

Expect further updates to this list in the future.

On a completely unrelated note, here is a photo of me from just a moment ago. I am wearing Sue’s amazing Christmas sweater.


Santa, “The Great Imposter”

santa_as_satanIn the wake of the Christmas holiday, I wonder how many of you fully understand the true threat of Santa Claus. Obviously, Santa, as a clear anagram of SATAN, is the Great Deceiver in disguise, leading our youth into degeneracy and sin. Santa wears red; Satan wears red. Santa goes by the moniker “Old St. Nick”; Satan goes by the moniker “Old Nick”. Santa has a beard; Satan has a beard. Truth be told, the parallels are far too many and too clear to be anything but the honest truth. Here, hard, cold logic prevails in proving that Santa Claus and Satan are THE ONE AND THE SAME—the Prince of Darkness, the Lord of Flies, The Great Deceiver, Beelzebub, Lucifer.

Don’t believe me? Well, get the full low-down right here:

SANTA CLAUS: The Great Imposter

I think my favorite piece of “logic” from the page I’ve linked is this:

What about Claus?

Is “Claus” another anagram for “Lucas”?

It’s no secret Lucas and Lucis are new-age “code words” for Lucifer. The Alice Bailey founded new age, occult publishing company was originally named Lucifer Publishing Company but in 1924 the name was cleverly changed to Lucis Trust. By the way, the Lucifer worshipping Lucis Trust is a major player in the works of the United Nations, formerly located in the United Nations building but now located on prime-time 1200 Wall Street.

Claus sounds a lot like “claws.”

Maybe Santa Claus means “Satan’s Claws”? Like a lion’s “claws”?

Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour:
1 Peter 5:8

The emphasis is mine. What sterling, marvelous reasoning is presented here! Clearly “Claus” is just a secret, “new-age” (code for lesbian witch satanists who hate America) way of conjuring the Devil’s name: Lucifer. Duh. I mean, isn’t it obvious? Anyone can see the truth in that!

Here’s another marvelous gem of deductive reasoning.

Everyone knows Santa lives at the North Pole.

Brrr. . . Why the north pole? Nobody lives at the North Pole. . . Why did they pick the NORTH Pole?

Could it possibly be because someone else lives in the north?

Then he brought me to the door of the gate of the LORD’S house which was toward the north; . . . Ezekiel 8:14

1 Great is the LORD, and greatly to be praised in the city of our God, in the mountain of his holiness.
2 Beautiful for situation, the joy of the whole earth, is mount Zion, on the sides of the north, the city of the great King. Psalm 48:1-2

The Lord dwells in “the north, the city of the great King”.

By the way, remember what Lucifer said in Isaiah 14:13, when he rebelled against God? Remember where he was going to exalt his throne?

12 How art thou fallen from heaven, O Lucifer, son of the morning! how art thou cut down to the ground, which didst weaken the nations!
13 For thou hast said in thine heart, I will ascend into heaven, I will exalt my throne above the stars of God: I will sit also upon the mount of the congregation, in the sides of the north:
14 I will ascend above the heights of the clouds; I will be like the most High. Isaiah 14:12-14

Where else would Satan (oops. . . it’s just too easy to get those two mixed up) Claus be but in the NORTH?

Oh, jeez, of course! Santa live in the North Pole, and Satan, who wants to be like God, ALSO LIVES IN THE NORTH. Therefore they are the same person! Wow! I can’t believe I never recognized this before.

Well, now that all you good boys and girls are saved by hearing the Good News I have relayed to you here, remember that Christmas time is a time for remembering Christ (who was not born in December) by decorating a cold weather evergreen tree (not native to Israel), giving gifts (like the Magi, I’ll give you this), and surrounding yourself with northern European symbols of winter (zuh?) and the solstice! It is not a time to revere the heathen image of Santa (SATAN) Claws for he is naught but the Devil himself in Disguise!

Don’t forget kids, Jesus loves you and he wants you to hate those that are different, i.e., non-white, non-Protestant, both of which categories the historical Jesus falls under!

Merry Christmas!

The Duggars & Severe Torture

Contrast is often the source of tremendous humor in my life. Juxtaposition is the root of all hilarity.

I am at work right now, assisting on two jobs (Comcast and Rosetta Stone) and doing what comes naturally while waiting to be useful—reading random crap on the internet. Today I’ve been reading the homepage of The Duggars, the family in Arkansas that has like, what?, a million kids? I thought my dad, with 11 kids, was a prolific breeder, but these folks definitely win that contest. But that is neither here nor there.

By extension, I was also reading the site of the eldest of the Duggar children, Josh, and his new marriage. Fascinating stuff.

Here, working at the office all weekend, I’ve had my metal playlist on shuffle by album. I’ve had a sampling of Neurosis, Machine Head, Napalm Death, and a bunch of other bands. All good there. It’s been intense, at a relatively low volume since two editors are working. Pig Destroyer played at a manageable volume is still enjoyable.

The Duggars are a devout Christian family with a heavy emphasis on traditional, Bible-based morality. They believe that their family is a work of God and that they exist on this planet to serve Jesus. I’m not going to argue with that. If you want to believe that, fine by me. You got to do what you got to do, you know?

Do you see where I’m going with this?

I’m reading the Duggars’s site’s section where they talking about talking to a Christian medical doctor when something in the back of my brain starts yelling at me about something, something I should be noticing. I was not fully aware of the music playing since I was intently reading the site. But the yelling in my skull got louder and louder until I took and breath and heard what was playing on the speakers behind me. What I heard was this:

[audio:st-sawn_off.mp3|artists=Severe Torture|titles=Sawn Off]

Are you fucking kidding me? That shit is awesome. I was sitting reading the most conservative text I’ve read in ages and behind me the gnarliest Gore Death Metal is playing? It was absolutely perfect. It reminds me of when I was a teenager, 14 or so, and I’d come home and put the church channel on and play Deicide through the speakers as a point of contrast. Hilarious. There’s nothing funnier than images of saints and angels while “Once Upon The Cross” plays in the background. So imagine how great it is for me to have that happen completely unintentionally. It was like magic! BLACK MAGIC.

A funny passage from Peter Carey’s Theft.

I am reading Theft by Peter Carey right now and I must say that I am enjoying it. I like how he bounces between two imperfect narrators to reveal aspects of the story that might not come through just one narrator’s internal filter.

Anyway, I was reading on the subway as I do, and I read something that made me laugh aloud. Here you go. A passage from the book used completely without permission.

The taxis in New York are a total nightmare. I don’t know how anybody tolerates them, and I am not complaining about the eviscerated seats, the shitty shock absorbers, the suicidal left-hand turns, but rather the common faith of all those Malaysian Sikhs, Bengali Hindus, Harlem Muslims, Lebanese Christians, Coney Island Russians, Brooklyn Jews, Buddhists, Zarathustrians—who knows what?—all of them with the rock-solid conviction that if you honk your bloody horn the sea will part before you. You can say it is not my business to comment. I am a hick, born in a butcher’s shop in Bacchus Marsh, but fuck them, really. Shut the fuck up.

Black Friday Embarrassments

Dear America,

Do you remember my last posting?

I thought I was annoyed then, but now I am truly mortified.

Did someone working at Walmart really need to die so that you could get discounted Dora The Explora’ merchandise for your kids? Are you kidding me? Not only is this tragic, but it makes me so fucking sick I could throw up all over everything. I’ve said this before, but they are just things, people. That TV or whatever will be there tomorrow. No one needs to die for you to fulfill your consumer tendencies.

Look, new TVs are cool. I get it. I have a TV. I like it. It allows me to watch films and nature shows at home. It also allows me to waste time and sleep killing Super Mutants in Fallout 3 on my 360. I get it. That stuff is good. But no one needs to die for you to get your Rachel Ray fix. The worst part about it is that the guy died at a Walmart which means that he didn’t even die for a luxury item like a Ferrari or something, not that it matters, but come on. I walked into the store casually, purchased the television and had delivery arranged. NO ONE DIED. Amazing, right?

Call me crazy, but I don’t think saving 10% on some crap I don’t need anyway is worth the stress induced by massive swarms of people like wasps attacking someone who has violated the sanctity of their nest. It brings to mind a day last year when Juli and I went to Macy’s to buy some plates because we were going to have people over for Christmas dinner. We were in the basement and carefully tried to select plates without any chips or nicks. When we got home, she discovered a plate with a minor chip on the bottom lip and she suggested I go back an get my money for it. I nearly flipped my shit at the prospect of wading through the thronging mobs at Macy’s on 34th Street just to return a fucking chipped plate. Maybe I overreacted (just a tad), but there is a reason I do most of my shopping at off hours and online. I cannot take the crowds and craziness.

So believe me when I say I cannot comprehend the mindset that drives people to stampede a big box store on Long Island and kill someone working the door. Just crazy. In the end I am not surprised; people have tremendous potential for idiocy and mania. It is sad that something so utterly trivial prompted such bad behavior.

And India? Wow. I don’t even know what to think about that yet.

Humanity, you need a time out.

A (day-late) Thanksgiving post

Because I was too incapacitated with turkey yesterday to sit down at the computer and actually type anything out, here is my day-late list of the things I am thankful for this Thanksgiving in no real order, though I am more thankful for some things than others. See if you can figure out which ones! It’s like a game!

  • Family. Duh.
  • Friends.
  • Metal.
    [audio:torture_ballad.mp3|artists=Pig Destroyer|titles=Torture Ballad]
  • Cormac McCarthy.
  • Mexican food.
  • Chicken & dumplings.
  • Going for walks.
  • Having Friday (i.e., today) off.
  • Robots.
  • Wizards.
  • Unicorns.
  • Ninjas.
  • Dax Riggs.
  • Sausage.
  • Cast iron cookware.
  • Bacon.
  • Beer. (I miss you.)

If you didn’t call your important people yesterday, call them today. A day late is better than not at all.

The Metric System Party – Dec 12th

Dearest readers and RSS addicts,

On December 12th the Metric System will be hosting its premiere party, announcing itself to the world. The Metric System is a group of folks in and around the New York City area who have created a support network for like-minded creative types to facilitate the realization of projects and performances and whatever else strikes their fancy.

Don’t take my word for it, though. Check the site—The Metric System.

This is the invite that is floating around for the party.

Metric System Medium Invite
Metric System Invite

Come by. I’ll be there acting as official party photographer. And, if my soothing presence isn’t enough lure for you to show up, there will be art and music and sushi and sake and beer and all sorts of great crap that you just can’t turn down. Besides, it’s from 8-10 on a Friday which makes it the perfect time to come out and pregame for what will probably turn into a massive Friday night. Besides, art and music! Who doesn’t love art and music? For free?

If you read this, I expect to see you there.

Want to see the glorious rich pinks of The Black Laser the way God intended them to be seen?

Of course you do. Who wouldn’t? Here’s how to do it.

Safari (Mac) – You don’t have to do a thing. Good job!

OmniWeb (Mac) – Go to Preferences > Appearance and make sure the little check box for “Use ColorSync™” is checked. Restart the browser. Fun!

Firefox (Mac/Windows/Linux) – In the address bar type “about:config” without the quotes. You’ll get a dialog box that looks something like this:

You can ignore the warning if you wish. I do, but I’m just crazy like that. Click on through and you’re going to get a whole load of options in text format. I don’t suggest messing around in here unless you’ve got a good idea of what you’re doing.

The line you’re looking for is gfx.color_management.enabled. The easiest way to find this amidst the myriad other settings is to type “gfx” in the filter bar. It should be the second option there.

The default value for this is false. Just double click the word “false” and it will change to “true”. Restart Firefox and BAM you have color managed websites. Pretty sweet.

Camino (Mac) – This will only work with the test builds of Camino 2.0 now, so you 1.6.4 users and earlier are shit out of luck. If you are using a 2.0 build, the directions are the same as for Firefox.

Flock (Mac/Windows/Linux) – Just follow the Firefox directions.

Opera (Mac/Windows/Linux) – I have no idea how to do this in Opera.

Internet Explorer (Windows) – Seriously? Just download Firefox already. You’ll be happy you did. And to you people viewing this site with Internet Explorer 6, you REALLY need to get Firefox. I promise your life will be better for it. Well, maybe that’s an exaggeration, but your browsing will be better for sure.