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Tag: Horrible (page 3 of 10)

Riskay’s “Smell Yo Dick”

This is not a joke. I mean, it’s a joke, but it’s not an intentional joke. Let me smell yo dick.

LET ME SMELL YO DICK. What.

2011 Gathering of the Juggalos film

And like clockwork, we find ourselves here again. Clocking in at a massive 27 minutes, this year’s Gathering of the Juggalos film is a magnificent testament to self-delusion. You owe it to yourself, your progeny, and all humanity to watch the entire thing. Gaze upon this work and despair.

Man, Sugar Slam is such a terrible actor. Oh my god, I can’t believe I actually wrote that last sentence.

Also, VANILLA ICE?!

DESPAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A Letter to Men Who Wear Their Cell Phones On Their Belts

Dear Men Who Wear Their Cell Phones On Their Belts,

What the fuck are you, fucking Batman? What your pockets aren’t good enough to hold you phone? You need to proudly display the shitty old Nokia you got for free when you signed your 2-year Boost Mobile contract? Is it some sort of status symbol for you that you can own—and display—an item that 900 million other people also own?

I don’t understand at all. I’ve known people who have worn their phones on their belt, but only while they were working. I guess that is sort of acceptable, but I still think the phone should just go in their pocket. Put it in your pocket, guy.

But, you ask, what about those poor unfortunate souls who don’t have pockets? Wait. People are wearing pants without pockets but are still wearing enough of a belt that the can hang their phone? Do you see the essential problem with this? Let me recommend a solid three-step course of action for you if find yourself mired in this existential quandary.

  1. Buy pants that have pockets.
  2. Put those pants on.
  3. Put your cell phone in your pocket.

Three easy steps to success! Do you know what else it will do, MWWTCPOTB? It will help you look like less of an ASSHOLE.

For example, look at this:

This dude looks like an asshole! Why does he need a cell phone on his belt, let alone MANY cell phones!? Can you enlighten me, MWWTCPOTB? No, I didn’t think you could.

Get some pockets, jerk.

Sincerely,

The Black Laser.

Foxxjazell’s “Hook Up” feat. Ashley Breathe

This might be one of the worst videos I’ve ever seen. Ever. And I watch a lot of music videos.

In no particular order, here’s an unordered list <ul> of what I dislike about this “work”.

  • Imitating Gaga. Extremely poorly.
  • Not keeping time with the dancers. I get it: you were shot separately from the dancers. That is no excuse.
  • Shitty Tron-inspired background.
  • The song. Oh my goodness, the song.
  • Lip sync. Or, specifically, the lack thereof.
  • The fiery dollar bill background chain sequence. WHY?!
  • Holding, but not playing, a guitar though there’s no guitar anywhere in the (horrible) track.
  • Putting the comic filter or whatever on the one section at about 2:38. Unmotivated, poorly executed, and just tasteless.
  • The low resolution background art of the same section that doesn’t actually fill the whole screen. You can see the edges at about 2:50.
  • The horrible pop&lock in the opening.
  • THE SONG.

All in all, this video is a big, hot mess and should be purged from the collective consciousness. It doesn’t compare at all to some other horrible work, like Reh Dogg’s “Why Must I Cry,” since they clearly put a lot of effort and a bit of know-how into the production of this abomination. It’s a display of piss-poor taste all around. Terrible.

Salad: Fucking Your Mouth With A Knife Since The Beginning of Agriculture.

Over the last couple months, my friend Lindsey and I have been coming up with taglines for salad, a meal we both find wholly dissatisfying. It all began one afternoon when she was complaining about her lunch of salad and came up with “salad. never satisfying,” to which I countered, “Salad. Meh.” Some other favorites have included, “Salad. Tossing it is the only enjoyable part” (her), “Salad. Abandon all hope ye who enter here” (me), “Salad. It doesnt count if you put fried chicken, bacon and ranch on it and claim to have a satisfying salad” (her), “Salad: The food equivalent of a Ke$ha song” (me), and so on and so forth.

You get the idea. We must have at least a hundred million billion of them at this point.

During my internet travels, I stumbled across a posting on The Hairpin which was entirely women eating salad and laughing. What the fuck. Upon sending it to her, I started giving each photo a tagline and they made me laugh enough that I wanted to share with you.

1. Salad: Cucumbers Help Me Shit.

2. Salad: Makes My Period White Like My Clothes.

3. Salad: Only Water For Me Because I'm a Mean Drunk.

4. Salad: Only Fruit for Black People? Racist As Fuck.

5. Salad: I Hate Myself.

6. Salad: There Aren't Leaves Where I Come From In The Middle East.

7. Salad: What The Fuck Are These Red Things?

8. Salad: This Is The Face I Made When My Parents Were Killed.

9. Salad: I Lie To Myself That I Enjoy It.

10. Salad: Surprise! Your Lunch FUCKING SUCKS.

11. Salad: As Bland And Unfulfilling As The Rest Of My Miserable Life.

12. Salad: Fuck Me, This Shit Sucks.

13. Salad: Feels Like Broken Glass In My Guts.

14. Salad: You'll Never Actually Eat It By The Ocean.

15. Salad: Tastes Like The Bird Shit I'm Pretty Sure Just Dropped In It.

16. Salad: Iceberg? Are You Fucking Kidding Me? Could It Be Any Worse?

Fuck you, salad.

Soilwork’s “Let This River Flow”

Do you remember when A Predator’s Portrait came out and it was super awesome and then Natural Born Chaos came out and you listened the shit out of that record? That was so awesome. Soilwork was such an awesome band back then.

Alas.

This is not the same band. I mean, it’s technically the same band, but this song sucks so fucking much it breaks my heart to remember how killer Soilwork was back in the early 00s. Excuse me while I go blast the memory of this horrible shit out of my head with some Deicide.

Dennis Madalone’s “America: We Stand As One”

If this is the best of what the United States has to offer, move me to China and sign me up for the Red Army.

Goreaphobia’s “Mortal Repulsion”

This is the worst video for an awesome song I have ever seen. Fuck yes, old school Death Metal RULES.