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Posts published in “Life”

Thinking about the Theme for 2010

December is upon us and about to crest, leading us into the descent of 2009. This means the end of the first decade of the 21st century, an utterly meaningless metric, but one that has provided me with no fewer than four “Greatest Metal Albums of The Last Decade” lists. Not bad. Everyone seems to like Mastodon’s Leviathan, which I’ve never really listened to. I’ll have to give it a go.

And with the fading of 2009 another year’s theme comes to an end. The Year of 5000 Photos and 50 Short Stories, though not yet through, has been a success as far as I am concerned. With the express purpose of getting me to be consistently creative and come out of the year with some work done, the year has been a resounding success. While I am not yet at my quota for either task, I am confident that within the next few weeks I should be able to make it. 50% of the stories are finished at 92% of the photos. Pretty good. I have a lot of writing to do and a few photos to take, but we’re in the home stretch and I feel good about it. Let’s not also discount the film I am cutting right now and all the time and effort poured into this site for my 10 readers. I love all of you.

With three weeks left in the year, it’s time to think of my theme for 2010. In my statement for the Theme of 2009, I discussed some previous years and the efficacy of those choices. I’m not going into it again here, but I’ll sum it all up and say some were hits and some were clear misses. Last year I described a good theme as being “broadly applicable with recognizable short term goals”. I still think this is a good way to evaluate a potential theme, but I’d like to add that the theme should have demonstrable results, that is, I should be able to show something for my efforts. The best way to improve myself is by doing. All the thinking about something in the world won’t make you better at it. You have to get out there and get your hands (proverbially) dirty. It’s old wisdom, but true.

Another aspect of my yearly theme is that once complete the theme should continue into the next year. I intend to take another 5000 photos and write 50 more short stories next year and to keep a counter of those on the right hand side. But since they’re a secondary goal, I won’t be killing myself to get them done. My primary focus will be the Theme of 2010, of course.

But what is the Theme of 2010? I don’t know yet, but I have some ideas.

  • The Year of 3 Music Videos – In September, I wrote about building a body of motion work. Amongst my various bodies of work, my film & video work is easily the most poorly represented. I have plenty of photos to share and fewer but still ample stories, but how many pieces of motion work have I posted here that I have done? If you answered “Zero”, you’d be correct. And it’s clear I like music videos and the music that supports them. The only real drawback to this theme is that each video is a big project in itself and to get behind would certainly spell doom for this theme. There are a lot of steps involved though, so perhaps it could still fit the pattern of work posting I’ve established with The Year of 5000 Photos and 50 Short Stories which would help me stay on task and stay honest.
  • The Year of 12 Short Stories – “But, Joe,” you say, “didn’t you just do The Year of 5000 Photos and 50 Short Stories? What’s with cutting the quota down so much? Are you lame or something?” No, I’m not lame. Instead of writing 500 word chunks, these 12 short stories would be much more finished pieces, actually receiving—GASP!—revisions. These would be multiple-sitting efforts. I think the one per month pace would allow for some breathing room, and let me think about the work more. In terms of length, let’s call them somewhere in the range of 5,000 to 15,000 words. This year the longest thing I’ve written is about 3000 words. It was the first thing I posted for this year’s theme. The Biker Kills a Mexican. That one took me a few nights at the computer, but received no revisions. I’m proposing 12 stories of at least double the length. It’s a good amount of work, I think, but manageable.
  • The Year of the Novella – Here the idea is to write the longest single thing I’ve ever written. I like the novella, it’s like a long short story, or a baby novel. I suppose it depends on which direction you’re coming from. It would be an exercise in developing something more thoroughly than I ever have before and sticking to it. The SFWA defines a novella as a piece between 15,000 and 40,000 words, but other definitions go as low as 10,000 and as high as 70,000. That’s certainly a fairly broad range and suitable for work throughout the year. Maybe this could evolve into The Year of 2 Novellas in order to keep me busy. If I wrote 500 words a day, my current per-day volume of work, then 70,000 words would take 140 days. Average in some days without writing, and we’re still looking at barely half a year. Just something to keep in mind.
  • The Year of 3 Screenplays – It has been a long time since I’ve written for screen, but that doesn’t mean it’s not something I still care about. Writing is writing. Writing 3 feature length screenplays of roughly 120 pages each would be a great way to get back into it. I’ve got some ideas boiling around the back of my brain that would be great for films. I just need to get them out and onto (electronic) paper.

I think that in those suggestions, somewhere, lies the theme for 2010 that will make the year a great one. Perhaps I combine Short Stories and Music Videos, or Music Videos and Novella, or Music Videos and Screenplays, or Short Stories and Screenplays? The cross disciplinary approach worked well enough for me this year. When I didn’t write, at least I could take pictures. When I could take pictures, at least I could write.

Anyway, food for thought. I need think about this a little more. What do you all think out there in Black Laserland?

Pet peeves on the subway

I am a (fairly) understanding, (mostly) patient man. I hold the door for people. I get out of the way. I allow others to go first. I think it’s just common decency. But that’s just me. I don’t like to be a dick (usually) to total strangers. That doesn’t get my rocks off. It’s lame. It’s putting a whole bunch of bad energy into the universe for no real reason. The Space Pope is down with being chill.

As such, it always astounds me when someone goes out of their way to be a total fucking boner. I notice that it seems to happen a lot on the subway which, understandably, is an unpleasant, often stressful place. No one really likes the subway; it’s an unfortunate, unavoidable truth of life here in New York, especially for the lot of us peons who can’t afford to even have a car, much less a driver. But not liking something doesn’t mean you have to be a total cock to everyone else when you get on it. No one wants to be there, so you might as well be pleasant to the people surrounding you. It just makes things nicer.

Now, there are a few things people do that I just can’t stand. Let’s break them down.

  1. The guy who stands in front of the door when you’re trying to get off the train. — Look, guy, I know that you saw that there’s a seat open through the window as the train pulled into the station, but GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY. I can’t walk through you, and you sure as hell can’t get onto this train until I get off. This is even worse when the train is crowded near capacity and there is literally no room for him to get on, but he tries to shove his way on anyway.
  2. The guy who steps onto an empty train and then stops immediately so that he can stand by the door. — Are you serious? Look, this is totally fine when there’s no other people waiting to get on behind you. Great, you like to stand by the door and lean, I get it. But if you’re the first motherfucker getting on and you decide to just stop and be in the way of the 20 other people trying to get on the train, you are a fucking asshole. This is the train rider’s equivalent of driving into an intersection, throwing on the e-brake, and expecting people to just drive around you. Yeah, it sounds pretty fucking ridiculous doesn’t it? Just got on the train and walk toward the center of the car. Theres plenty of room and all sorts of things to hold on to. That’s how they designed the train.
  3. The guy who tries to push his way onto a train that obviously has no room for him and ends up standing halfway in the doorway way, holding the whole damn train up. — Let me clue you in on a little secret, buddy. There’s zero reason to squeeze on a train like that. The train is only ever like that when there’s been some hold up way down the line and people have decided to force themselves onto the first train that arrives. 99 times out of 100 there’s another, much less full train right behind it. All you have to do is wait 2 more minutes and you’ll be able to stand in the train like a human being. Try it some time.
  4. The guy who pushes past you to snipe a seat — Oh, I’m sorry, fuckface, that I was being polite and letting the people on the train get OFF before I forced myself onto the train. I didn’t know it was necessary for you to push me out of your so-important way so that you could sit down ON THE EMPTY BENCH because, you know, 12 seconds later that seat would have been filed with someone else. Oh the train doors are closing and we’re still the only two people sitting??? Well, thanks for pushing me for nothing, dipshit! I really appreciate that.
  5. Anyone who asks me for anything while I’m on the train — I know that your acrobatics show was really fucking amazing, but I have a headache and just want to go home and eat some dinner and watch the episode of Dexter sitting on the table. And, no, I’m not going to give you and your brother a fucking dime. I’ve seen the show before. Oh, you’re selling newspapers, Raffie? No you’re a lying fuck junkie who’s been using the same line on this train for YEARS and the only people stupid enough to give you anything are the people who’ve just moved into the neighborhood. Curl up and die under a bridge, you swollen-hand, toothless, drug-addled fuck.

That list pretty much encompasses the things I really hate on the subway. There are some things that other people hate—delays, slow service, stopping in the tunnel beneath the river, whatever—that don’t bother me at all. In terms of the actual subway service, once I’m on I sort of just let go. It’s out of my hands. But other people on there bug the living shit out of me. That’s not to say there aren’t other courteous train riders; there are, of course. But, my attention is often grabbed by the annoying fuckers much more than the nice people who aren’t obtrusive. And, really, this article wouldn’t have been nearly as fun for me to write or for you to read if I was being super nice to the considerate people, would it?

My least favorite TV/Movie convention – The Overheard Conversation

It is no secret that literature and cinema often use common themes and devices to propel a story. Some of these are very useful for opening doors for your characters or building drama. Indeed, Joseph Campbell’s entire career was based on the idea that the literature of the world, myth, repeats certain key elements and structures across cultures, geography, and time. They represent the human mind seeking answers to unanswerable questions through the use of imagery and symbol. If you’ve never read any of Campbell’s work, I highly recommend you do. It’s fascinating stuff.

But those are not what I want to write about here. Instead, I want to discuss a common dramatic device so lazy, so dastardly, so woefully incompetent that I cringe and immediately lose my ability to enjoy said film or show. I’ve never heard it referred to by anyone else so I have come to call it “The Overheard Conversation”. You’ve seen it before.

How about a quick example? Here’s the premise: GEEKY GUY has spent the entire film trying to woo the most popular, most beautiful BABE in school. He had been successful for a while, but then they got into a fight over whatever the hell reason and he stormed off at the big homecoming party. Later, feeling stupid, GEEKY GUY tries to find BABE who has been approached by her ex-boyfriend HOTSHOT GUY. But because he’s so shy, GEEKY GUY doesn’t approach them and instead hears a snippet of their conversation that he takes completely out of context. Like this.

EXT PARTY NIGHT – HOTSHOT GUY and BABE are on the edge of the party by the pool. He is drunk and making physical advances. She is rejecting him, but he is much stronger.

BABE
Get off me HOTSHOT GUY. I’m with GEEKY GUY now.

HOTSHOT GUY
What do you see in that dork?

BABE
More than I see in you, jerk.

GEEKY GUY approaches HOTSHOT GUY and BABE where they are arguing by the pool, but he cannot hear them. He comes up toward them quietly and in the shadows and they do not see him.

HOTSHOT GUY
Don’t you still care about me?

BABE
Of course I care about you, but…

HOTSHOT GUY kisses BABE forcefully and she is not strong enough to resist. Enter slow motion. Close shot of GEEKY GUY with tears welling in his eyes, and then rage blossoms. He runs off.

BABE pushes HOTSHOT GUY off and slaps him in the face.

BABE
I told you already we’re done! I never want to see you again!

Stop me if you’ve seen this film before. Oh, you can’t stop me? Well, then I’ll continue.

From here, GEEKY GUY goes on a self-destructive/depressed/whatever bend. Eventually they reconcile when he confronts her about the night by the pool and she tells him the truth of what happened and he suddenly feels foolish and she forgives him for not just being forthright with her in the beginning and they live happily ever after through high school graduation. How romantic!

How many films can you name where some permutation of this has happened? Five? One hundred? A billion? It’s basically the plot device used in every stupid rom-com piece of trash spit out by Hollywood 50 times a year. Whenever I see this used, I imagine this conversation.

“Gosh! I can’t think of how to drag this Jennifer Anniston vehicle out to the bare minimum 90 minutes. Whatever shall I do?!” one writer says.

“Why not just have her walk into the room when her boyfriend is on the phone with his sister saying something she’ll take completely out of context because this is the only way to inject some ‘drama’ into this horrid piece of trash?” the other says.

“Brilliant!” the first one says. “I’ll get another Oscar for this one!”

It really must be the laziest cop out to burden the state of modern drama. It’s the Deus Ex Machina of modern cinema. How do we drag this out? Add some fake tension? Perfect.

What’s worse is that I cannot think of even a single time that this has happened to me or anyone I know in real life. Now, I’m not saying that all drama in films has to be absolutely realistic. Of course it doesn’t. I have zero issues with the Eye of Sauron being able to see Hobbits when Frodo puts on the ring. That’s awesome. Great. But if you’re going to be basing your drama on real life, then at least make it believable. Are you really expecting me to believe that GEEKY GUY, after spending the whole film fantasizing and eventually attaining BABE, would not just step in and be all, “What the fuck?” He would run off without, at the very least, waiting in the shadows to see how their conversation turned out? Pathetic. He doesn’t even need to be forceful, just, you know, let it play out a little. How about giving your girlfriend the benefit of the doubt? Has she betrayed you before? Do you have ANY reason to think that she’d not be faithful to you? How about asking her about it? Nah, instead you should just assume a bunch of untrue crap and then spend the next 35 minutes of screen time moping around being an all around asshole. Good plan.

Here’s how the scene should have gone.

EXT PARTY NIGHT – HOTSHOT GUY and BABE are on the edge of the party by the pool. He is drunk and making physical advances. She is rejecting him, but he is much stronger.

BABE
Get off me HOTSHOT GUY. I’m with GEEKY GUY now.

HOTSHOT GUY
What do you see in that dork?

BABE
More than I see in you, jerk.

GEEKY GUY approaches HOTSHOT GUY and BABE where they are arguing by the pool, but he cannot hear them. He comes up toward them quietly and in the shadows and they do not see him.

HOTSHOT GUY
Don’t you still care about me?

BABE
Of course I care about you, but…

HOTSHOT GUY kisses BABE forcefully and she is not strong enough to resist. Enter slow motion. Close shot of GEEKY GUY with tears welling in his eyes, and then rage blossoms. He steps out into the light startling the other two.

GEEKY GUY
What the fucking fuck?!

BABE
Geeky Guy! This isn’t…

HOTSHOT GUY (interrupting)
Get the hell out of here, Geeky Guy. She’s my girl.

BABE
It’s not what you think! I didn’t mean to kiss…

GEEKY GUY hold up his hand to stop her.

GEEKY GUY
It’s all right, Babe. I trust you.

BABE runs over and gives GEEKY GUY a big hug. HOTSHOT GUY fumes.

GEEKY GUY
Now, I must deal with you.

HOTSHOT GUY
What are you going to do, World of Warcraft me to death?

HOTSHOT GUY laughs. GEEKY GUY pulls out his lightsabre, but HOTSHOT GUY begins to mutate into a giant beast, like a cross between a lizard and a slug and a spider, all fangs and teeth and eyes, more than 10 feet tall.

See? Wasn’t that better? Doesn’t that sound like a better movie? It makes you wonder how many completely awful films could have been saved from their fate as utterly forgettable pieces of fluff if the writers had just spent another 40 seconds and avoided The Overheard Conversation. Truly sad.

Happy 1st Birthday, The Black Laser!!

Today is The Black Laser’s first birthday. Yay! I made my very first post here on November 11, 2008, and you can see it here: The inaugural posting at The Black Laser.com/.net. A year in internet time is basically, what?, a decade in regular old meatspace time? That’s pretty awesome. Here’s a look at the current stats.

Screen shot 2009-11-11 at 3.43.59 PM

311 posts works out to 85% of a post every day. Not bad for being written by one solitary Space Pope from Beyond the Stars. I wonder how many of those are just music videos? I could probably figure it out, but I’m not going to. Too depressing, I think. 285 comments is not so great. It works out to comments on 91.6% posts if averaged, or 78% of a comment per day. Mind that this number also includes my comments in response to your comments. I encourage you to leave a comment for me if you liked what I wrote or have thoughts or whatever. I see all of them and it’s good to know people are reading. This number does not include the comments left by people on Facebook, which is too bad since I think the number would be significantly higher. I wish I knew of a way to migrate the comments from Facebook to these pages, but I don’t think it’s possible. Too bad. Our superstar poster is Don Diggler. Good work, Deegs!

And 5,640 spam comments?! Holy crap!

Screen shot 2009-11-11 at 3.47.21 PM

This handy little graph (which you can see full size if you click on it) shows the number of hits received by The Black Laser of the last 12 months. April of this year was a high point in the readership of The Black Laser, with 1,060 views.

Screen shot 2009-11-11 at 3.58.47 PM

In case the little line wasn’t telling enough for you, here’s a table of the data for hits on The Black Laser since 11/11/2008. I don’t know if this will be interesting to anyone but me, but it’s interesting to me and this is my fucking site, so deal.

According to Google, I get 32.52% of my traffic directly, 37.79% from referring sites, and 29.41% from search engines. That is remarkably even, I think. I don’t know, or care, what it signifies, but the numbers are fun!

I’ve had visitors from 84 different countries, including Slovenia, Thailand, Israel, and Poland. Most hits come, unsurprisingly, from the United States, followed by the United Kingdom and Canada. To all my international readers—thanks!

Screen shot 2009-11-11 at 4.15.25 PM

Internet Explorer 6, people? Seriously, GET WITH THE NOW. You’re not seeing The Black Laser as it’s intended if you’re using IE6. Upgrade to Firefox. It’s free and lightyears better. And you 1059 hits using IE5? May God have mercy on your iSouls.

But more important that all of this, November 11, 2008 was also the day my darling little niece, Sienna, was born. Happy birthday, Sienna Jo! We’re both 1 today! YAY!!!!!!!

Does anyone out there love me?

Because I’m pretty sure I need this. I don’t know what I would use it for, but I kind of want it. If it were black and pink, it could be The Black Laser mascot. OOOOhhhhh, idea!

il_430xN.56506119

il_430xN.56506306

When hunting unicorns, it’s important to kill them in a such a manner as not to break or injure their horns. It makes a much nicer trophy with the horn intact. My real issue with it here is that I wish the taxidermist had posed the unicorn in a pose befitting its natural ferocity. They are mean, mean animals who seek out the blood of infants to power the vile engines churning inside their seemingly kind chests. The more unicorns killed, the better, really.

Just look at its lifeless, cold, black eyes.

Unicorn Taxidermy @ Etsy

Youtube comment or e.e. cummings?

I thought this was too amazing not to share.

1. loog a his lirow nose

2. there is some shit I will not eat

3. LISN bud LISN

4. this i bad sorry to saY

5. leave her alone
she’s not your gal

6. She is Lucifierian !

7. THuNdeRB
loSSo!M iN

8. aThe):l

9. stunned. i. am. stunned. every question speaks to us

10. What is nothing?

I didn’t write or compile this. You can find the key at McSweeney’s.

Youtube comment or e.e. cummings? @ McSweeney’s

I love this man.

Any Williamsburger reading this should recognize this guy immediately as the mad who drive around in his red Subaru blaring old pop music and singing along on nice days. EVERYONE knows this guy. When he drives by, people always say, “Hey look, it’s that guy!” and everyone else within earshot is all, “Yeah, we totally know him too.” He’s been driving around in that car for as long as I’ve lived in the neighborhood, some years now. And you know what? Good for him. He’s out there having a damn good time, doing his own thing, bringing joy to those he passes. In the video he talks about some woman who spits on his car, which just baffles me. Why would you be upset about this guy driving around singing in his car? Are you afraid of having a little color in your hood? What is making you so angry? I don’t get it.

For all you folks who don’t live in the neighborhood or have never seen this guy out there, enjoy this fabulous little glimpse into the magic he spreads.