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Posts published in “Life”

Merry Christmas, Mortals!

I hope you’re having a festive Christmas with your family. For those of you who don’t buy into the whole “God impregnated a little Jewish girl who then had the baby in a fucking barn while three Asian dudes checked her shit out and brought her a bunch of crap she didn’t need and, oh yeah, there’s some farm animals hanging out too” spiel, then I hope you’re having a nice time off work. And if you’re unlucky enough to be working, then may god (the virgin impregnator) have mercy on your soul (such as it exists).

To celebrate this festive, made-up holiday, let’s watch some fucking videos, eh!?

First off, GWAR!!!!!!

Will Ferrell and John C Reilly’s Little Drummer Boy!!!!!!

Brett Domino doing Fairytale of New York!!!!!!

Majela ZeZe Diamond singing her Christmas hit!!!!!

A Very Tron Christmas Special!!!

He-Man and the Eating of Flesh, a random thought

This morning on the train I was staring through the subway window letting my brain go where ever the hell it is my brain wants to go when I’m well rested (read: all over the fucking place), when I remembered a scene from the 1987 live action He-Man film that, for some reason or another, has always stuck with me.

It goes something like this:

EXT. DAYTIME BUSHES – MAN AT ARMS, his DAUGHTER, and the little WIZARD dude are hiding in some bushes. TEENAGE LEAD approaches them with a bucket of fried chicken. They commence to eat said fried chicken while still hiding in the bush.

DAUGHTER
What is this? It’s quite delicious!

MAN AT ARMS
Chicken. Pretty good too.

DAUGHTER
A chicken? Like the animal?

MAN AT ARMS
Yup.

DAUGHTER
You mean this was alive? They eat animals?

MAN AT ARMS
Yup. We used to eat like this back in the war.

Daughter and little Wizard look disgusted an drop their chicken back into the bucket. Man At Arms keeps eating, enjoying every bite.

DAUGHTER
Barbaric!

I don’t know WHY this has always stuck with me. The movie is wholly unremarkable, even to a 7 year old. But there’s something about Man At Arm’s “fuck it” attitude here that resonated with young Joe. I have snippets of other stuff from the film—the time key, Courtney Cox, Skeletor turning into super Skeletor at the end, Dolph Lundgren—but this scene is easily the clearest.

Weird how that happens, eh?

There Can Be Only One!

A moment ago I was sitting here in my apartment, quietly reading the internets, when my door buzzer rang and scared the living shit out of me. I was not expecting anyone and nearly didn’t go to the door, but I poked my head down the stairs and saw the UPS guy. Barefoot, I went and saw that there was a package for me.

Did I order something that I forgot about? I thought. It is absolutely possible that late one night I came home and did some Amazon business. It’s happened before. It will happen again.

Curious to see what I had ordered for myself but had not remembered ordering, I opened the box. Inside were copies of Highlander and Highlander II on Blu-ray.

What? So random.

Then I looked and saw my mom’s name and address on the packing slip. I laughed aloud. So, in honor of this random gift, expect a couple of Highlander retrospectives this week on The Black Laser. And, right now, enjoy some of the magnificent soundtrack to the first film by none other than the mighty Queen.

But, most importantly, thanks mom!

God damn, did you see the power of Queen destroy Silvercup Studios?! That was SO AWESOME.

What did NASA find?!?!

As Space Pope, I am privy to all that takes place in the universe. It’s my job to be aware of goings on and such like, but I have made an arrangement with your humble earth scientists at NASA (so primitive!) not to reveal what they’ve discovered until they have a chance to wow the human race on Friday afternoon (afternoon! How parochial! There’s no afternoon in space!).

They’ve sent out this press release.

Dwayne Brown
Headquarters, Washington
202-358-1726
dwayne.c.brown@nasa.gov

Cathy Weselby
Ames Research Center, Moffett Field, Calif.
650-604-2791
cathy.weselby@nasa.gov
Nov. 29, 2010

MEDIA ADVISORY : M10-167

NASA Sets News Conference on Astrobiology Discovery; Science Journal Has Embargoed Details Until 2 p.m. EST On Dec. 2

WASHINGTON — NASA will hold a news conference at 2 p.m. EST on Thursday, Dec. 2, to discuss an astrobiology finding that will impact the search for evidence of extraterrestrial life. Astrobiology is the study of the origin, evolution, distribution and future of life in the universe.

The news conference will be held at the NASA Headquarters auditorium at 300 E St. SW, in Washington. It will be broadcast live on NASA Television and streamed on the agency’s website at http://www.nasa.gov.

Participants are:
– Mary Voytek, director, Astrobiology Program, NASA Headquarters, Washington
– Felisa Wolfe-Simon, NASA astrobiology research fellow, U.S. Geological Survey, Menlo Park, Calif.
– Pamela Conrad, astrobiologist, NASA’s Goddard Space Flight Center, Greenbelt, Md.
– Steven Benner, distinguished fellow, Foundation for Applied Molecular Evolution, Gainesville, Fla.
– James Elser, professor, Arizona State University, Tempe

Media representatives may attend the conference or ask questions by phone or from participating NASA locations. To obtain dial-in information, journalists must send their name, affiliation and telephone number to Steve Cole at stephen.e.cole@nasa.gov or call 202-358-0918 by noon Dec. 2.

For NASA TV streaming video and downlink information, visit:

http://www.nasa.gov/ntv

For more information about NASA astrobiology activities, visit:

http://astrobiology.nasa.gov

– end –

What can it mean, humans!? What did they find out there in the dark nether regions of the void, which is, of course, not a void, but filled with dark matter and the Great Destroyer’s consciousness?

Tune in Friday at 2 (-5 GMT!) to find out! And remember, this is the year we make contact.

My super awesome trip to the Metropolitan Opera House.

Last Friday my friend Shelby, who works for the Metropolitan Opera doing events, invited me (on my insistence) to take a tour of the opera house. It was so ridiculously awesome that I recommend every New Yorker have a friend like Shelby and make her take you on a tour during the middle of a work day. Here is a list, in no particular order, of the things I enjoyed while there.

  • Entering through the employees’ entrance
  • Seeing the auditorium empty except for the stagehands setting up for that night’s performance of Carmen
  • Going on stage (I didn’t sing)
  • Seeing the costume shop, set shop, and properties area
  • Discovering that every dressing room for a principal actor has its own piano for warm ups
  • The faces of every person who saw us and was all, “Who the fuck are these kids?”
  • Shelby saying “fudge” instead of “fuck”
  • The smell of the place, like old people
  • Going into the chorus rehearsal room
  • And, really, so much more

But of all the things I saw, one really stood out for me. It was this.

A 30 FOOT TALL BLOODY JESUS HEAD.

Are you kidding me?! How amazing is this thing? It’s huge! So huge, in fact, that I made Shelby get into the photo so we had a sense of its scale. I want this in my house so bad it hurts.

My only regret of the day is that I didn’t bring my camera with me. I thought it presumptuous so I left it at home and I told her as much. She said that it would have been all right though, and I immediately felt a pang of regret. Oh well. I’ll just have to find a reason to go back camera in hand.

Happy (Belated) 2nd Birthday, The Black Laser!

Yesterday marked the two-year anniversary of The Black Laser. Isn’t that exciting?! Let’s all have some cake!

What does the bright and shining future hold for The Black Laser?! WHO FUCKING KNOWS?!? What, I can see into the future? Jesus Christ, guys. I may be the Space Pope, but I’m not psychic. Well, I AM psychic, but I’m not a friggin’ fortuneteller. You want one of those, you go to a fucking carnival.

In all seriousness, the site’s long overdue for a redesign. What I’ve got now is SOOOO 2008 that it just screams for the tender loving help it needs. I’ve got some ideas for it. We shall see.

Otherwise, there will be no great changes to the format or content of The Black Laser. Why would it change? So, keep reading, and I’ll keep posting all sorts of crazy crap.

I also want to say happy birthday to my darling niece Sienna as she shares a birthday with The Black Laser. I don’t get a lot of two year olds on this site, so one of you with a direct line will have to convey my birthday wishes.

A snippet of a conversation I had with my brother.

Enjoy.

Brother @ 12:30
The words “race car” spelled backwards is “race car”?

The Space Pope @ 12:30
Yes.

Brother @ 12:30
If you take the 1st letter of “eat” and move it to the last, it spells, “ate”?

The Space Pope @ 12:30
Yes.

Brother @ 12:30
And, if you rearrange the letters in “tea party Republicans,” and add a few more letters, it spells: “Shut the Fuck up you ignorant, violent, hypocritical puck bags, and deal with the fact that you wrecked the country under Bush and our president is Black.”

The Space Pope @ 12:30
HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Brother @ 12:30
Isn’t that interesting?

The Space Pope @ 12:30
Fascinating!
You’re getting Black Laser’d.

Brother @ 12:31
I stole it from somewhere

At least he’s honest.