Hans Gruber may be a dick, but he sure does make a mean cup.
Posts published in “Life”
Why, they take Alka-Seltzer of course!
And this is what it looks like.
SCIENCE!!!!!
I’ve posted about the proper way to eat a watermelon before, so I figured I’d share this video with you all of a man teaching you how to eat a watermelon. Did you know that one serving of watermelon is half the fucking melon? Neither did I! Seems like a tad too much, call me loco. And isn’t it just so helpful when he shows us what a fork looks like? I know. What a sweetheart!
Watch out for the fork cartel! Perpendicular! Eastern sector! 1 15/16″ diameter! Very good watermelon! Debating whether you can complete something that is partial! Marshmallows! Archemides’ principal of watermelons! The sudden realization he thinks he’s talking to children! Peanut butter! If it’s salty peanut butter! Chocolate milk!
Man, this is the most charmingly pedantic watermelon video ever. You really need to watch it. I do have one question though…
Where’s the twang of salt? Oh. Wait. He totally addresses that.
My lovely friend Jonathan Waiter, talented photographer and all-around super sweet dude (and surprisingly intense Starcraft player), has recently been diagnosed with late stage lymphoma. If that means nothing to you, let me put it into layman’s terms: he’s got some seriously bad cancer that has spread throughout his torso, to his liver and his heart. Bad bad bad news. Like so many other Americans, Jonathan lacks health insurance and chemotherapy and the surrounding costs are a severe burden.
Before going on, let me quote the description our friend Teresa wrote.
For anyone who may not have heard the full story, or if you are new to the story altogether... Jonathan was diagnosed just recently with Lymphoma. The stage is currently unclear, though it is clear that it is Stage 3 or 4.
The discovery was made following several bouts of losing consciousness. During one such occasion, he was rushed to the hospital by ambulance. Tests finally concluded that Jonathan was facing a cancer diagnosis. Early imaging showed tumors in the chest cavity, lungs, and surrounding major arteries.
After navigating the public hospital system with no insurance, and a Medicaid application pending, Jonathan went on through additional testing to find that the cancer had also spread to his kidneys, liver and pancreas.
Medical bills are piling up at a truly heart breaking rate. These costs are mostly supposed to be covered retro-actively by Medicaid, although, as if more bad news could be suffered, the Medicaid application was denied.
Friends are reviewing the information, and will be going through the motions to appeal the decision by way of a hearing. This could be a fight, but the hope is that it was due to a simple application error.
Jonathan’s case has been escalated to emergency status in the public hospital system. He and some nearby friends are also looking into the possibility of transferring into a more reputable hospital once the Medicaid issue is sorted.
As you can imagine, the phone calls, emails, and messages are pouring in. Well wishers, friends, and family are understandably eager to be updated and to hear Jonathan’s voice on the other end of the phone… however, his energy is very low and he is experiencing a great amount of pain and discomfort most of the time, especially following chemo treatments.
The purpose of this site is to receive regular updates on his mental, physical and emotional state.
A small network of friends will be operating this site. I’m sure it will be a rotating cast depending on who has the latest information and/or closest proximity.
If he is not able to return your calls and messages, please stop by this site, where we will do our best to keep everyone informed of all the newest developments. I can tell you that Jonathan sincerely appreciates every person in his life, and cares very much for all of the concern that everyone is already showing, and the help that everyone is offering.
There are apparently several fund raising efforts in the works. That is GREAT news. In addition to the donation capabilities of this site, we will try to keep you updated on links to all other efforts to make sure Jonathan receives all the support possible.
Being self employed comes with many advantages and disadvantages... as Jonathan is currently experiencing. There is, of course, freedom to work the way you want and to live the truly rewarding life of a professional artist, but the down sides are inevitable. Limited access to health coverage, no disability insurance, no paid sick time, and the anxiety of uncertainty in the middle of an unforeseen health crisis.
During this long ordeal, Jonathan needs to be able to cover his day to day expenses. By this, I do not mean medical expenses. I mean the basic necessities of life. We can help to make this happen, and I am asking you to do just that.
Your support means the world to Jonathan and to everyone who loves him and wants to see him through to ultimate success. If you know him, you at least have a special place in your heart for him, if you don’t outright love and adore him.
Thank you for reading, and thank you for stopping by. More updates to come, on a regular basis. –Teresa
Serious business here. I don’t ask my readers for a lot here on The Black Laser and I make no money on this site. But this is important to me and it would be great if you could help Jonathan out with anything you can manage. It doesn’t need to be a lot (though that would be rad), but do try and help. Spread the word. You’re all awesome.
Thanks.
Donate here: GoFundMe: Jonathan Waiter
And while you’re at it, check out Jonathan’s photography.
Jonathan Waiter.com (NSFW-skinny girl tits)
Porcelain Insect (NSFW-skinny girl tits)
“We’re self-thinking survivors here…just like you.”
Well now doesn’t that just say it all.
This is the fourth Gathering of the Juggalos film I’ve posted here on The Black Laser. It is remarkable how time flies when you aren’t paying attention, isn’t it? This year’s crapfest clocks in at a lean 23:15, nearly four minutes shorter than last year’s abortion.
“Nothing but endless love over here.”
I wonder what possesses those who make these videos. Do they think, “How badly can I do something? How poor can my taste be? What is the most awful creative decision I can make?” Does Sugar Slam wake up in the morning and think, “What I do has creative merit. I am contributing to this world.”
The video looks like something an impaired 13 year old in sweats would dream up. I just can’t imagine being the sort of person to whom this would speak. Oh yes, I am so excited that the Psychopathic Boner Clowns are performing! Rap parties in the woods? Great! Being spoken to like I am a retard? Thanks!!
And then you see the line-up and are forced to consider that this is where a career goes to die. Sure, the Psychopathic Records roster is there, but they actually have other people you have heard of. Why would anyone choose to do this to themselves?
Holy shit! Mushroomhead is playing?!? I just ordered my tickets.
I’ve never understood the sort of person who would willingly vote for a party or a candidate that upholds policies that directly conflict with the voter’s best interest. It makes no sense. Why would you endorse and back someone who is going to vote against measures that would make your life better? Why would a low-income earner actually fight for the repeal of Obamacare? Why would minorities vote for hard-right goons who want to have them deported and treated like criminals? And, most obviously, why would gays endorse a candidate who is interested in preventing them from gaining rights they deserve? It would be like southern blacks voting for Jim Crow laws. It’s insane.
Dan Savage, perennial (not to be confused with perineal) favorite of mine, got into an online dust-up with a group called GOProud, who Savage describes as a “hard-right gay Republican organization—a rightwing front group that exists to pinkwash the GOP”, after they officially endorsed Mitt Romney for president. He tweeted:
The GOP's house faggots grab their ankles, right on cue: http://t.co/sOTyFprJ. Pathetic.
— Dan Savage (@fakedansavage) June 20, 2012
Zing! Of course, Savage didn’t leave it there. Instead he expounded on his tweet in his column Savage Love.
Anyway, mixing it up with GOProud last week got me thinking about why a gay man would endorse—much less “commit significant resources” to help elect—a man who has pledged, if elected, to do as much harm as he possibly can to gay people. I mean, what kind of faggot supports a politician who would do him harm?
Oh, right: the same kind of faggot who would harm himself with drugs or alcohol or sex. The kind of gay men who don’t like themselves or other gay people much. But while most self-loathing, self-destructive gay men are content to abuse booze, drugs, or dick, the self-hating GOProud boys abuse themselves with politics. And just like gay meth addicts who aren’t satisfied harming only themselves, the boys at GOProud aren’t satisfied harming only themselves. They want to harm other gay people—they want to harm all gay people—by getting Mitt Romney elected. And just like your meth-addicted friend who pushed the drug on you, or your drunk friend who mocked you for stopping at four, or your sexually out-of-control friend who insisted that you were a prude if you didn’t play the come dump with him down at the bathhouse, the GOProud boys want you to abuse yourself the same way that they’re abusing themselves. They want you to vote for Mitt Romney for the same reason your meth-addicted pal wanted you to use that stupid drug.
Because they’re damaged.
The article is worth reading. In fact, the article he linked in his tweet is worth reading too. Get ready to be appalled at the willful ignorance displayed by the GOProuders.
Good for Dan Savage. He’s totally correct and I am glad he had the balls to stand up for himself and what he thinks is just in this situation, even after Chris Barron of GOProud got in his (virtual) face about it. It is encouraging to see someone so vocally, so publicly, stand up against the fools trying to prevent people who are different than they are from living their lives to the fullest. He should be an inspiration to those marginalized everywhere to fight to be taken seriously.
Recently I have been waking up bright and early sometime between 6 and 6:15 in the morning. “Sure,” you say, “I wake up at that time every day so I can be at work at 9. It’s called an ‘alarm’.” But no! I am waking up at that time completely unaided. My alarm is set for a more reasonable 7:15 which allows me ample time, usually, to snooze (such a weird word) for about 30 minutes, get up, shower, and leave the house to be at work a hair before 10. Totally normal.
But now I am waking up well before my alarm without any desire to snooze. There’s no need; I am rested and awake and ready for the day at 6 o’clock in the morning. Weird.
And then there is the obvious question of what to do with all this extra time. Today I woke up at 6:20, got up, took a long shower, got dressed, cleaned my house, paid some bills, and still made it to work by 9. While riding the M train into Manhattan and listening to the new Fear Factory album, I got to thinking about what else I could do with said time.
First, however, let’s talk about what has changed. Over the last month, my roll has slowed dramatically. I am not sure what caused it, but I suspect my body and sub-conscious got together and were all, “Hey, this isn’t working. Let’s shift some shit around, huh?” I started getting tired at regular human being times and am often asleep for the night by midnight, which means I wake up the next morning well-rested but much earlier than I am used to. And because I got up so early, I am then tired again early that night. The cycle repeats.
It also means that I haven’t been drinking nearly as much. Maybe it’s summertime, maybe it’s some other stuff in my life that’s cleared up, maybe it’s just fatigue, but the idea of sitting at the bar until I can’t has finally crossed that fine line between “good time” and “undesirable”. I mean, I still go to the bar and everything, but I’ll got for just a couple of drinks and then go home at 10:30/11 and be asleep within the hour, sober. And then I wake up the next morning feeling fine. So, I am not drinking as much, and then also not wanting to drink as much, and then too tired to shut the bar down. My body is sending me a clear message about what it wants and needs, and being an unrepentant drunk is not it.
We’re not just talking about days I need to get up for work either. We’re also talking about the weekend, holidays, bank holidays, and whatever other kinds of days there are. Boom! awake at 7 on a Saturday before the majority of Greenpoint is up, much less the late-rising Williamsburgers, and I have no idea what to do with myself. There are only so many errands you can run, so many coffee tables you need to get (read: 1), so many trips to the hardware store before you run out of things to do.
“But Joe, we’ve heard this before,” you say. Indeed you have, my loyal friends and readers. This time, however, it’s not something I am trying to affect but something that is happening on its own without my intervention. Hell, I’ve even tried to do the super late night thing and all that happens is that I get tired, go home, pass out, and wake up after 5 to 6 hours of sleep. Hello 6:30 on a Sunday morning! How are you doing?
My friend Charles is a regular early riser so I asked him today what he does with his extra time.
Yeah, you totally just read that I am thinking about going for runs in the morning. I hate running! But for some reason it feels like a really good idea. Isn’t that terrifying? I even bought an iPod Nano this morning with my Amazon points. I think I am going to go grocery shopping for the first time in months tonight, make dinner at home (!), and go for a run tomorrow morning. Maybe I’ll even make breakfast tomorrow morning! Man, it feels good not to feel sad.
What do you do when you wake up early? Or are you not one of those people? I guess the more important question at the base of all this is, how do you take care of yourself?