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Posts published by “Joe Dillingham”

Happy (Belated) 2nd Birthday, The Black Laser!

Yesterday marked the two-year anniversary of The Black Laser. Isn’t that exciting?! Let’s all have some cake!

What does the bright and shining future hold for The Black Laser?! WHO FUCKING KNOWS?!? What, I can see into the future? Jesus Christ, guys. I may be the Space Pope, but I’m not psychic. Well, I AM psychic, but I’m not a friggin’ fortuneteller. You want one of those, you go to a fucking carnival.

In all seriousness, the site’s long overdue for a redesign. What I’ve got now is SOOOO 2008 that it just screams for the tender loving help it needs. I’ve got some ideas for it. We shall see.

Otherwise, there will be no great changes to the format or content of The Black Laser. Why would it change? So, keep reading, and I’ll keep posting all sorts of crazy crap.

I also want to say happy birthday to my darling niece Sienna as she shares a birthday with The Black Laser. I don’t get a lot of two year olds on this site, so one of you with a direct line will have to convey my birthday wishes.

A Letter To iPad Users

Dear iPad users,

First watch this.

Now, let me admit that I am officially jealous. Why? Because you guys get to play with a bitchin’ version of Rebirth for only 15 bucks.

Oh, you say, what’s so great about Rebirth? Let’s rewind to 1997. I’m a sophomore in high school living in my parents house running a Macintosh Performa of some sort listening to Pantera all the time. The computer ran Day of the Tentacle, Sam and Max, and Leisure Suit Larry. It could dial into the internet. I had a version of Photoshop (3.0, the first one with layers) that my brother had pirated for me. It had an enormous 750mb hard drive that was filled with pictures and Word Perfect documents and games. No one knew what a hipster, an IED, P2P, the blogosphere, Google, or an iPhone were. Broadband was years off. The only instant messaging was IRC. I got all my demos from the demo CDs (yes, CDs) stuck to the cover of computing magazines. It had a 3.5″ disk drive. It was so awesome.

It was on one of those CDs attached to the cover of an issue of MacAddict or MacWorld or whatever that I got my first taste of computer music in the form of a demo of Rebirth from Propellerhead Software. Of course, computer music had been around for some time already in the form of the demo scene on the Amiga and old Commodore computers, but this was new to me. I had no idea what a TB-303, a TR-808, or a TR-909 were or that they were what Rebirth was emulating. I had no concept of how important the 808 was to hip-hop music. I had no idea that the 303 had effectively created Acid. There was no Wikipedia. How would you find shit like that out? I was just a teenager in my parent’s house in California avoiding my schoolwork and making luscious crunchy electro sounds on this marvelous and, at the time, prohibitively expensive (199.00) piece of software. I just used the demo over and over and over, unable to save, until it would time me out and I would have to start over. I spent a LOT of time trying to recreate the 303 line from New Order’s “Confusion (Pump Panel Reconstruction)”. You’ve heard it, but in case you haven’t listen below.

[audio:https://www.theblacklaser.net/blog/wp-content/audio/confusion-pump-panel.mp3|titles=Confusion Pump Panel Reconstruction|artists=New Order]

People often talk about books or albums of events that had huge impacts on their lives. I think that Rebirth is one of those for me. Couple that with the arrival of Johnny Violent’s “North Korea Goes Bang” on an Earache sampler CD again from the cover of a magazine, and my metal-centric world was split right open. Humorously, the Johnny Violent track was such a secret shameful pleasure of mine that I never really spoke about it to anyone but would still blast it in my bedroom. Listening to it now reveals it to be a little silly, but it was a gateway drug for me.

The combo of Rebirth, the awareness that the creation of such weirdness was accessible, and the Johnny Violent track, the awareness that electronic music wasn’t just bullshit glossy crap, opened up my musical world like nothing else had since my very first metal record years earlier. As the years went on and the stigma I felt for liking electronic music faded, I explored electronic music in depth. The late 90s were a wasteland for interesting heavy metal with nü-metal and rap-metal dominating the scene. Absolutely miserable. Instead, I turned to the sounds of Underworld, Front Line Assembly, Front 242, Future Sound of London, Fluke, Daft Punk, Orbital, Meat Beat Manifesto, and whoever else was exciting and fresh and new.

After the summer of 2002, I had a little bit of money in my pocket and I purchased the then-new Reason 2.5 and a USB MIDI controller. Reason was the successor to Rebirth by Propellerhead Software and it was (and still is) an amazing piece of software. But, with its added complexity and power, the simplicity of making silly little 303 and 808 lines in Rebirth was lost. Sure, you could sample and tweak synths until your eyes exploded and you weren’t limited to strictly linear composition of sequences, but a little something was lost. I’m not saying I would go back, but it was much like learning to edit on a linear taped-based system and the Steenbeck and then moving onto a fully fledged NLE like the Avid or Final Cut. The simplicity engendered by the more limiting systems prevented me from doing a lot of dicking around. Decisions were made and you lived with them. I’ve talked about this before.

Even then Rebirth was lost to me since the Props didn’t invest the time or energy to port Rebirth to OS X. They chose, smartly, to focus their energy on making Reason awesome. Still, the legacy of Rebirth lives on in Reason as a device that will pull info directly from Rebirth into Reason. You can still download it for free from the Rebirth Museum, but it won’t work for me. Alas. Ideally, we’d see them shove Rebirth back into Reason for version 6. No need to make it fancy. Just have it support mods, be sequenceable, be routable and boom. Instant love. And my money.

To bring it all back, iPad users I am jealous that you now have access to one of my favorite, most important pieces of software for a paltry 15 bucks. Unfortunately, it just doesn’t make sense to buy an iPad at 500 bucks (at the cheapest) when I could instead get the much more useful Native Instruments Komplete 7 for the same price. If I bought the iPad with 3G, I could also afford the upgrade to Reason 5+Record 1.5. Pair Komplete and Reason with Logic Pro and I have a formidable synthesizer army capable of unleashing the wrath of the Space Pope on the universe. Nevermind that I’m not that good at making electronic music, it’s still damned fun and it’s money better spent than on trinkets or booze or nonsense.

Does anyone out there want to let me give them 15 bucks so I can put Rebirth on their iPad? Yes?

Sincerely,

The Black Laser.

A snippet of a conversation I had with my brother.

Enjoy.

Brother @ 12:30
The words “race car” spelled backwards is “race car”?

The Space Pope @ 12:30
Yes.

Brother @ 12:30
If you take the 1st letter of “eat” and move it to the last, it spells, “ate”?

The Space Pope @ 12:30
Yes.

Brother @ 12:30
And, if you rearrange the letters in “tea party Republicans,” and add a few more letters, it spells: “Shut the Fuck up you ignorant, violent, hypocritical puck bags, and deal with the fact that you wrecked the country under Bush and our president is Black.”

The Space Pope @ 12:30
HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Brother @ 12:30
Isn’t that interesting?

The Space Pope @ 12:30
Fascinating!
You’re getting Black Laser’d.

Brother @ 12:31
I stole it from somewhere

At least he’s honest.

This DO pretty perfectly represents how I feel all the time…

…and why I spend so little time at home.

Why stay home when New York holds so many myriad adventures for the uninhibited? Tonight, for example, I should probably go home and chill out after being out last night until quarter to six, but is that going to happen? Not fucking likely. I would like to go to the Ghostly International party tonight at Public Assembly. Or maybe Big Freedia round 4 at Santos? Anyone want to go dancing? Or maybe I’ll just strike out solo and have an adventure that no one will ever know about. Who knows? The night is young and I have the will.

Link to the original Do.

A Letter to Big Freedia on the Amazing Show(s) You Put on Last Night in Brooklyn

Dearest Big Free,

I first encountered you at the East River Park waterfront show some weeks ago and you blew my mind. Never before had I seen so much ass being shaken on stage and, I thought, I never would again. Even though I was far away on the beer side of audience area (I’m sorry, it was very hot and I was very thirsty), your energy was commanding. As was the unbelievable amount of ass being shaken. The performance sent me ranting and raving to all my idiot friends who decided not to attend the show. Indeed, a did a fair amount of that ranting and raving right here on this very website. Just type in “Big Freedia” in the search box at the bottom and you’ll find yourself.

I don’t mean that in some metaphysical sort of way, just that you’ll be able to read the posts I’ve written about you.

Big Free
You identifying proper technique.

Earlier this week, my friend Charles or Michael or both of them sent me a link to tickets for your CMJ show last night at Southpaw. Before they could ask me if I wanted to go, I’d purchased a ticket knowing full well that I would not be disappointed. Charles eventually backed out, but Michael went and we were able to rally Sue. She was very excited to get in on this Bounce action. And who wouldn’t be? I love to dance and I love intense shit and I love watching girls shake their asses. Though by upbringing a metalhead, it was brought to my attention this summer through the wise observation of two lovely lady friends of mine that everything I like is really intense. And that’s totally true. This Bounce shit is INTENSE, and, accordingly, perfect for me.

I’ve been preparing myself all week for the show listening to a variety of bounce, ghettotech, Detroit house, and dubstep. You might say I was warming up for the main event on Friday night.

And, boy, was I not disappointed. Dominique Young Unique brought it super hard. I was sort of nonplussed with her at the East River show, but I think her style just doesn’t carry across vast empty spaces. In a small club it was wildly different and much, much better. I enjoyed her set quite a lot. Javelin I could have done without. Big old meh from me on those guys. They’re not terrible, but they were doing nothing at all for me.

Then you came out into the crowd, even going so far as to let people know you were walking through the crowd, and the whole night exploded into ass and sweat and dancing and awesome. I’m actually having a hard time coming up with an accurate way to describe just how much fun the show was to our other readers without just saying, “HOLY FUCK IT WAS SO AWESOME OH MY GOD YOU SHOULD HAVE COME WHAT THE FUCK IT WAS AMAZING!” I think the video below accurately sums up my experience of the show last night.

Some highlights? When you filled the stage with people shaking their asses. Your performance of “Gin in My System”. Michael commenting that there were a lot of gay guys in the ticket line and me shooting him a solid “DUH” look. Giant plastic cups of whiskey at Southpaw. That the show was only 12 bucks. Dancing with Sue and Michael.

But it would have been boring if the night ended there, wouldn’t it? Of course it would have.

Sue, ever the producer extraordinaire, approached Rusty Lazer about where the after party would be. Sure enough, her bluff worked out and he told her that it would be at 285 Kent, a random doorway right next to Glasslands. Michael and his ladyfriend foolishly decided they were too tired to come to the next spot so we left them behind us. At about 1:45, 2 o’clock we arrived and entered the room to find a seething mass of sweaty people under purple light grinding. There was no fighting the sweat in there. For such a high ceilinged room, it was remarkably hot and stuffy, but what do you expect from a room full of dancing people?

After a 5 dollar Modelo Especial (ridiculous, right?), you came on and slew that place too. Sue and I danced ourselves delirious and dripping. We stayed for the entire second set. Happily too. I can’t remember seeing a show twice in the same night before, but yours was one I’d have gladly seen thrice. It’s just that good. I am impressed. We walked out of there at 3:30 in the morning satisfied.

So, thank you, Big Freedia, for bringing some joy to my life. I will gladly see you perform again and will recommend you whole heartedly to my friends, relatives, coworkers, compatriots, wellwishers, and various others. Also, I really love my t-shirt.

Sincerely,

The Black Laser.

A Letter to Men Who Wear Their Pinky Fingernails Long.

Dear you guys,

It’s gross! Stop it!

Really though, what’s the point? To you, guy, on the train this morning wearing your stupid American Eagle shirt holding an umbrella, what are you trying to prove? Are you trying to say to the world, “I live a life of leisure. I am a man who does not have to work. I am rich and have servants to tend to my needs,” while you are clearly on your way to work? Who the fuck do you think you’re fooling? You’re riding a train out of Queens. Drop the bullshit already. The pinky fingernail is gross.

And to the Chinese guys in Chinatown working on Kenmare hauling fish, I am likewise not convinced by your long pinky fingernail that you are wealthy and intelligent and well bred. Maybe it’s the crap under your other fingernails or the fact that you’re teeth are stained by smoking too much or that you are covered head to toe in fucking fish entrails. I don’t know, call me crazy, but I’m pretty sure most extraordinarily wealthy people don’t spend their early mornings on the streets of Chinatown covered in aquatic gore. Just a thought. Call me crazy.

Is anyone else as grossed out by this as I am? I’m pretty durable generally, and quite accepting of most of people’s idiosyncrasies, but the fingernail thing just skeeves me out. It makes me want to carry around fingernail clippers and cut their fingernails. Also, it’s fucking gross when people cut their nails on the subway. What the fuck, people. Get it together.

And don’t even get my started on those silly girls at the grocery store who wear such long fake fingernails that they cannot press the buttons on the register except with the balls of their fingers.

Unapologetically yours,

The Black Laser

Things that inspire me.

While browsing the Apedogs the other day, I came across a thread where folks were filling out these influence maps. I thought it was pretty cool so I did my own. See if you can identify all my sources. I almost definitely could fill out an entirely different second one of these.

After thinking about it a little bit more, I realized that I failed the Bechdel Test SO HARD. Terrible! It doesn’t change what my influences are, but it sure makes me look like a misogynist. Oops!

If you want to do your own, download the PSD here.

And, if you head over to Apedogs, check out the speed paint thread. Amaaaaaaaaaazing.