This is the inside of my mouth:

These are my tonsils:

Not sure what you're looking for? How about a visual aid:

Delicious!

Those pock-marked balls of vestigial tissue are the bastards that have caused so much drama in my life over the past few months and tomorrow they will be excised from my face forever. So take a good look at them because the next time I post a photo of my gaping maw, they won't be there. They'll hopefully be in a jar in my closet.

Also consider this posting a notice that things might be slow here at The Black Laser for a little bit while I recover. My doctor has really been hammering it in that I am going to be in some considerable pain while my throat heals meaning I might not be up for posting amazing things for all of you to enjoy. For this I apologize. In the case that he is being overly dramatic and my throat does not hurt quite so badly as he makes out it will, then you can expect me back in a few days. We shall see.

Wish me luck. I have to be at the hospital at 7:30 tomorrow morning.

Oh, you've been to Europe? Boring. Do you want to read the intro paragraph for the most killer obituary I've ever read?

Sure you do.

At 17, he was living with natives in the South American jungle and, like them, wore a loincloth, got traditional tattoos, ate monkey and danced with the gods. He fell in love with a beautiful young woman, Mina, who reciprocated. They married. She soon died of malaria, and the young man pondered suicide.

Right? That makes all your vacations to warm places seem utterly banal, doesn't it?

Read the rest of the obituary on The New York Times. This guy was epic.

You've seen the original. And if not, where the hell have you been?

This parody might not be funny to a lot of you out there, but I know at least one person (Julian) who will appreciate this to the fullest. Enjoy. It made me laugh early on what is promising to be a busy, busy Friday. Love you all.

A monkey riding a goat. The end.

via.

I can totally do this. But, seriously, who even knew this was a thing? What the hell? Love the back hair on the second dude. Excellent.

Thanks, Tiffany!

Yeah, fuck you, Iceberg! Though, you are delicious as a vehicle for blue cheese. Go to hell!

Thanks, Michael!

You're following me on Twitter, right?

It's official: Japan is WEIRD AS FUCK.

Tokyo's 'oldest man' had been dead for 30 years

He was thought to be the oldest man in Tokyo - but when officials went to congratulate Sogen Kato on his 111th birthday, they uncovered mummified skeletal remains lying in his bed.

Mr Kato may have been dead for 30 years according to Japanese authorities.

They grew suspicious when they went to honour Mr Kato at his address in Adachi ward, but his granddaughter told them he "doesn't want to see anybody".

Police are now investigating the family on possible fraud charges.

'Living Buddha'

Welfare officials had tried to meet Mr Kato since early this year. But when they went to visit, family members repeatedly chased them away, according to Tomoko Iwamatsu, an Adachi ward official.

Authorities grew suspicious and sought an investigation by police, who forced their way into the house on Wednesday.

They discovered a mummified body, believed to be Kato, lying in his bed, wearing underwear and pyjamas, covered with a blanket.

Mr Kato's relatives told police that he had "confined himself in his room more than 30 years ago and became a living Buddha," according to a report by Jiji Press.

But the family had received 9.5 million yen ($109,000: £70,000) in widower's pension payments via Mr Kato's bank account since his wife died six years ago, and some of the money had recently been withdrawn.

The pension fund had long been unable to contact Mr Kato.

"His family must have known he has been dead all these years and acted as if nothing happened. It's so eerie," said Yutaka Muroi, a Tokyo metropolitan welfare official.

Original article here. And also, double ewe tea eff?

More love. Thanks, Gardner!

My compatriot Connor twittered this today and it's so insanely rad that I need to share it with all my lovely Black Laserites out there. I'm no skater, but it doesn't take a genius to recognize that what these two dudes are doing is god damned crazy pants. If you only watch one nearly 11 minute long video of dudes skating on The Black Laser today, make it this one.

Dear Jesus,

Please don't let me find out this is a joke. I do so ever hope that it is genuine.

Sincerely,

The Black Laser.

Waffle House?

Vanilla Ice?

Gallagher?

Sugar Slam?

Helicopter rides? Again?

The Alfred Hitchcock of hip-hop? (for Josh.)

"I fucking love Tech Nine"?

Hatchet house bubble foam party with the Axe Murder Boyz?

TV star Todd Bridges?

Flashlight wrestling?

Warren G regulating?

The narrator saying "muthafuckaz"?

Big Money Rustlas on DVD but not on Blu-ray?

17:24?

The song clip from Boondox?

Anybody Killa's lisp?

Coolio?

"He does have good dick jokes"?

Reference.

They're at it again! Here's the just-released infomercial for the 11th Annual Gathering of the Juggalos. So ripe for making fun of.

"You'll probably get laid"... are you kidding me? Ridiculous.

You've seen this video before. It's been making the rounds. The only reason I'm torturing you with it is because I've never seen a video that made me want to punch someone in the fucking face harder than this video has. I would recommend that you enjoy it, but I just don't think it's possible.

A grown man crying over a rainbow? Give me a fucking break, asshole. You want to know what it means, guy? It means that fucking water is refracting light in the atmosphere. Get over it.

Here's another gem.

It's not that many turkeys, jerk. How fucking stoned retarded are you? Fuck you.

In other, less bitter news, the whiskey train has pulled into the station, been attacked by bandits, set on fire, and then exploded. Unfortunately, it was the only one so we won't be able to ride it anymore.

There was a moment in my life when I regularly ate at home. I cooked (or cleaned) and there was dinner time and, on the weekends, often breakfast time and lunch time. I still shop like these things are a part of my life, but I recognized last night that they are not. It's not that I cannot cook (I can) nor that I do not like to cook (I do), it's more that my brain is constantly occupied with other things to the point where I will forget to eat for the whole day. Yeah, sure I get hunger pangs, but those are easily ignored as distractions to whatever the hell else I'm doing or staved off with an apple or crackers or something minor. I think the last time I actually cooked something at home was when Fiduk and I had our last mandate here, early in June. Granted, I was gone for most of June, but I sure as hell didn't cook at my parents' house which is odd since I usually do a lot of cooking there.

And it's not like I'm eating out a lot, either. I mean, I eat out a couple times a week, but not every day. And I'm not working a lot of nights which would mean that my dinner was bought for me. Awesome job perk, I know. I'm just not eating. So weird.

And why not? It's not for lack of food. Right now my pantry is amply stocked with pasta, rice, quinoa, crackers, granola, cereal, hot sauce, and a bunch of other crap that usually fills a pantry. My fridge has broccoli, pears, salami, cheese, tortillas, juice, and whatever. I'm not lacking. If it gets empty, I walk over to the grocery store half a block away and buy stuff for it. Done done done.

Yet, when faced with the idea of stopping to make dinner, I often give it a, "meh." For example, it took serious, conscious thought just to make a stupid sandwich for dinner last night. Why?! It's the easiest thing in the world. The only thing that made me actually do it was that I knew I had an 1/8th of a pound of pepper turkey in the fridge that needed to be used and that I've recently been thinking about my eating habits a lot. Drinking habits too, but that's another post. A similar thought occurred to me this morning before I left for work: I have yogurt that is going to go bad. I'd better eat.

In the olden days when making dinner was a team effort, I knew I could get away with only doing half of the work. Either I cooked and didn't clean, or she cooked and I cleaned. It was an equitable arrangement, and one in which I gladly participated. Screw having to cook AND clean though. I'm not into that at all. I guess that's one barrier, but it's pretty minor since it's not an issue with easily prepared meals. And with cast iron. You're not even supposed to clean that shit.

But what am I doing that's so important that I neglect to eat? Nothing! Nothing at all! I'm not writing. I'm not posting a lot here. I'm not out taking photos. I'm just losing time into a black hole of doing stuff but not being sure about what I'm doing and then forgetting to eat. What is going on? Does anyone know? I sure as hell don't.

Help? Does anyone want to be my nutritionist/personal chef? I can't afford to pay you, but it'll be real fun, I promise. I also kind of want this book: Two Dudes, One Pan.