Dear gums,

What the fucking fuck, you guys? Do I not take care of you?! Have I not spent my entire life converting the things I eat and drink into fuel for your continued replenishment?! It’s not like I even brush you super hard! I have a soft bristled toothbrush for fuck’s sake. Do you know how emasculating that is? Do you?!

This is, as we both know, a fairly new issue. I think it started just before the trip to Breckenridge about three weeks ago. One day I’m brushing my teeth fine and dandy, like I have for years, brush brush brush, and the next day any time a toothbrush gets near my mouth I taste that familiar copper flavor of blood and spit rust stained toothpaste into the sink. Real cool, gums. Way to be hypersensitive dicks about it. I’m just trying to keep my fucking mouth clean. Why not help a player out a little?

What’s worse is that it’s not just the toothbrush that makes you bleed, it’s pretty much anything: eating apples, smiling, sucking cashew chunks from between my teeth, laughing, breathing, fidgeting with my tongue, anything. What’s that about? I try to be gentle with you and this is the thanks I get? Fuck you, gums.

And now what am I supposed to do about it? I don’t have dental insurance so a trip the dentist is right out. Ditto for healthy insurance. No doctors or inexpensive prescriptions for me. I suppose I’ll just brush my teeth with a damp microfibre cloth until it seems like you’ve had a chance to heal. Until then, we are not friends. I am sick of spitting blood into the shower. Remember last year, gums, when I had a nosebleed every day for like 3 months? Yeah, this isn’t nearly as bad, but it’s still pretty fucking annoying.

If I didn’t need you as an important barrier between my teeth and my raw, exposed skull, I’d fucking cut you, gums. Get well soon!

Sincerely,

The Black Laser.