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Posts published in “Thoughts”

I really really love this

This gem comes from illustrator, artist, and cartoonist Lisa Hanawalt. You might remember her from the illustrated review of War Horse that’s been floating around. I absolutely love this drawing. I e-mailed Lisa promises of my undying love if she’d sell me a print. I suppose we’ll see what happens. I want to hang it in my office. Some interweb snooping reveals that she grew up in Palo Alto, a town neighboring where I grew up. Funny.

The curious case of Youtube videos

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FXoHmWsRKhE&feature=g-all-u&context=G288d83eFAAAAAAAACAA

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hoj18mvmMIY&list=UUjWjbn4NOL-EfBCiICZqT2w&index=83&feature=plcp

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fPW3MKGqxhI
“About a few minutes ago.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q9lYL52_ftU&list=UUehwQWhK5aMP4u9t0Mqt83A&index=4&feature=plpp_video

We all love Youtube. It’s a great place to find new music, to entertain yourself for hours with stupid minutes-long videos, to watch music videos, to watch movie trailers, to watch bits of TV shows, to watch videos of people hurting themselves, to watch videos of reporters fucking up the news, to watch Bill O’Reilly be an asshole in a million ways, to watch so many things all the time. It’s a wonderful place filled with wonder and mystery and terror.

Wait. Terror? What terror?

The kind of terror you see above.

I cannot fathom what brings people to post videos online like those I’ve posted above for you. Why on Earth would you post an unfocused, poorly shot, poorly conceived ramble on the internet? It makes no sense! “But, Joe,” you say, “you post unfocused, poorly shot, poorly conceived rants on The Black Laser all the time!” To that I say, I do not. My rants are focused, sharp as a tack, and brilliantly designed. But we’re not talking about me. We’re talking about the mindset.

At what point did cubsrule2040 decide that he wanted to post nearly 2000 videos on Youtube? His content ranges from elevator rides to overviews of his fast food floor dinners to poorly animated logos. Why does he post all these? What inspires him to video himself riding an elevator and then share it with the entire world? Especially when he makes mistakes sometimes? I would never put something online where I’d made a mistake. That’s what reshooting and editing are for.

And, what exactly possessed SenxOfFemur to post his thunderstorm review (“why did it record this way?”) when there was, in fact, no thunderstorm to be had? Did it need to go online? Was it something that his willing public (88 views, probably 15 of them mine) was dying to experience with him? The utter failure and collapse of a dream? And why did he not just rotate the video when he was cutting it? WHY DID HE NOT JUST ROTATE THE VIDEO? WHY?!?!?!?!?!?

Then there’s DRaymond1987’s nearly 9 minute stream of consciousness ramble about missing his girlfriend, the different timezone she’s in, and his interminable waiting for her. Why shove that vile looking blue ball into his mouth while we are forced to stare at his face? The way it turns his mouth blue? Oh my god! Get a haircut! Of course, he had more than 250 additional videos. And why call us “peeps”? Is this some sort of pet name we’ve all agreed on by being the 6th viewer on some of his videos? In one of his videos, he directs us to his Facebook “fanpage” which he never updates and to his Twitter account. If you’re not already one of his 104 followers, you’re missing such brilliant tweets as “Bitches are funny though” and “ROFLCOPTER, my battery gonna die.” and “Somebody help me LMAO”.

Maybe I’m being hypercritical, but come on. I started this blog to have a place to post various creative things I was doing, and, sure, yes, I am also a compulsive oversharer like these guys. But I do it with an eye on quality and a focus on continually improving my skills. I am not sure that cubsrule2040 has any interest, more than 1900 videos later, of improving his filmmaking skills as he posts 9 videos in a row of different coins. Why do something so consistently, so determinedly, so regularly, for no one, if you’re not trying to get better at something? Practice makes perfect, they say, but not if you’re not giving a second thought to the product you’re putting out. I guess, besides the strange mania of posting videos for no one, the thing that I understand the least is why they continue to put out complete garbage video after video after video.

If any of you three guys find this and want to chime in, please do. There are comments below. Yet, these three are not the only people posting videos like this. Youtube is full of them. If you’re one of them, tell me about why. If you know of someone else, share with me. I must get to the bottom of this incredibly strange phenomenon. Having a video camera does not mean you should use one. These are perfect examples of why.

Like a colossal space bear squeezing Earth juice

Remember the Dollar Shave Club spot posted previously? Well, here we have an ad (of specious legitimacy) for a brand of Lithuanian mineral water called Vytautas. And boy is it ever a great ad. Even if it isn’t real (it isn’t), it’s great (it is).

Let’s make a list of all the things I like about it.

  • Yelling.
  • Polar bear riding a laser-spewing orca.
  • Birds and fish.
  • Digest bricks, leather jackets, richest cuisine, Icelandic cuisine, and this goat on a boat.
  • Pig & iPad sandwich.
  • 1 milk. 1 banana. 1 jet fighter you knocked from the sky with a crossbow.
  • Electric eel.
  • Freddie Mercury.
  • Time travel.
  • Screaming bunny.
  • Sexy like a tiger in a Bucati powered by liquified thoughts of the universe.
  • Panda gang rape.
  • Give a negative fuck.
  • The description of the taste.
  • Guy riding a buffalo riding an ATV.
  • Colossal space bear squeezing Earth juice.
  • Tractor sex.
  • Boobs or cheese? SMART CHOICE.

Did you get all that? Good. Now watch it again. Love.

A Letter To My Gums Regarding Their Excessive Bloodiness

Dear gums,

What the fucking fuck, you guys? Do I not take care of you?! Have I not spent my entire life converting the things I eat and drink into fuel for your continued replenishment?! It’s not like I even brush you super hard! I have a soft bristled toothbrush for fuck’s sake. Do you know how emasculating that is? Do you?!

This is, as we both know, a fairly new issue. I think it started just before the trip to Breckenridge about three weeks ago. One day I’m brushing my teeth fine and dandy, like I have for years, brush brush brush, and the next day any time a toothbrush gets near my mouth I taste that familiar copper flavor of blood and spit rust stained toothpaste into the sink. Real cool, gums. Way to be hypersensitive dicks about it. I’m just trying to keep my fucking mouth clean. Why not help a player out a little?

What’s worse is that it’s not just the toothbrush that makes you bleed, it’s pretty much anything: eating apples, smiling, sucking cashew chunks from between my teeth, laughing, breathing, fidgeting with my tongue, anything. What’s that about? I try to be gentle with you and this is the thanks I get? Fuck you, gums.

And now what am I supposed to do about it? I don’t have dental insurance so a trip the dentist is right out. Ditto for healthy insurance. No doctors or inexpensive prescriptions for me. I suppose I’ll just brush my teeth with a damp microfibre cloth until it seems like you’ve had a chance to heal. Until then, we are not friends. I am sick of spitting blood into the shower. Remember last year, gums, when I had a nosebleed every day for like 3 months? Yeah, this isn’t nearly as bad, but it’s still pretty fucking annoying.

If I didn’t need you as an important barrier between my teeth and my raw, exposed skull, I’d fucking cut you, gums. Get well soon!

Sincerely,

The Black Laser.

Thoughts on Scalzi’s “You’re Not Fooling Anyone”

I’ve read a lot of books about writing. I’ve read books on character. I’ve read books on plot. I’ve read books on structure. I’ve read literary critique. I’ve read about genre, about symbolism, about publishing, about inspiration, about the creative process, about screenwriting, about fiction writing, about novel writing, about short story writing, about all sorts of things. And, in their own minor ways, each has been helpful to me. As it goes. I wouldn’t say that any of them have been truly inspiring, but when have you ever read a book about the mechanics of your craft that blew your mind? Yeah, I can’t think of one either.

A while back I stumbled across John Scalzi’s You’re Not Fooling Anyone When You Take Your Laptop to a Coffee Shop: Scalzi on Writing. I have been a regular reader of Scalzi’s blog Whatever for years and was a fan of his novel Old Man’s War, so when I saw that he had released a book about writing I naturally spent the 5 bucks for the Kindle version. And there it languished for ages as other books came and went and life passed us all by in a torrent of images and sounds and happinesses and sadnesses.

Recently, I was between books and decided to read something from my shelf that was on dead trees which is fine and all, but sometimes I don’t feel like carrying the book with me when I am not taking my backpack to and from work. The advantage of the Kindle is that it syncs with the Kindle app on my phone so even if I leave the device at home, I can continue to read on my phone while riding the train or waiting in a bar or doing whatever the hell it is. That’s not possible with a book on, you know, real paper. While riding the train one morning I decided to start into You’re Not Fooling Anyone. I have a hard time reading more than one fiction book at once, but no problem at all keeping track of a novel and a non-fiction book. Weird, I guess, but it also makes a sort of sense.

You’re Not Fooling Anyone is a collection of articles Scalzi wrote for Whatever between 2001 and 2006 that deal with many aspects of writing, but not with craft. Instead they deal with the lifestyle of a working writer, how to sell fiction, what to expect in the marketplace, what pitfalls to avoid as a working writer, what you can expect when working with publishers and editors, and a whole mess of opinion on the state and future of the market. They cover a whole lot of things that nothing else I’ve ever read covered in a Scalzi’s utterly matter-of-fact, no bullshit, this-is-how-the-real-world-works voice. And I appreciate that.

To explain that, let me digress for a moment. I have never considered myself an artist. I am uncomfortable with that label. I firmly believe that art is for other people to decide and my job, as a creator of things, is to do the damn best job I can on whatever the hell it is I am working on. It doesn’t matter if we are talking about writing or photography or editing video, I always strive to do the best I can at my craft. And that’s the important thing: to me, it is craft. It is no different than a skilled cobbler or builder of homes or tailor. What I do as a creative person is to craft things the best way I know how, to learn from the process, and to try and do even better the next time. I have always, and will always, prefer the term “craftsman” to “artist” and “craft” to “art” when referring to myself. “Art” gets stuck up in the clouds; “craft” is firmly rooted in the real world.

What resonated with me in You’re Not Fooling Anyone is that Scalzi clearly has the same opinion of the writing process I do. Specifically, that it is a craft, not some high-falutin’ higher calling from the muses. It’s not. That’s crazy. It’s no more a higher calling than driving a bus is. That doesn’t mean it’s not damn fun work that can be incredibly satisfying, but it is still work. Work work work. When I read him reiterating my opinions relatively early in You’re Not Fooling Anyone, I suspected that I had found something special. As I progressed, that suspicion was confirmed over and over again. The book is, possibly, the only book I’ve read so far on writing that got my brain buzzing with ideas. Not because he says, “Write this way or that way,” but because he got me thinking about my own writing in a different way by discussing the way he thinks about his writing. That’s the important thing. It’s so easy to get stuck thinking about your work in just one way that you can get mired in it and lose steam. To have someone or something come along and say, “Hey, have you thought about it this way?” is often all you need to work through it. Because that’s what we do, right? We’re creative people and we create, even if, as imperfect meatbags, we sometimes get stuck.

Lord knows regular readers of The Black Laser have read many thousands of words of me rambling on and on about my creative process (or lack thereof), so reading the same musings from someone else is a real kick for me. And makes me want to inflict even more rambling on all you poor sons of bitches.

If you are a writer, you should read this book. If you are a person who makes things that might not be words, you should read this book. If you are not a creative person (WHO THE HELL ARE YOU PEOPLE?) but are curious what the brain of someone who makes a living being creative is like, you should read this book. It’s that good. And it’s incredibly accessible. There are no academic blatherings about post-modernism here, just opinion earned through years of hard work and experience. I sincerely hope we get a second volume of 2007-2012. It’s been five years and I would happily spend another 5 bucks on the Kindle version.

No, really, what do you use that iPad for?

Today’s announcement of the new iPad got me thinking about the iPad. I’ve used one (a couple if I must be totally honest) before, and they’re pretty cool, I guess, but I just don’t see the point. I mean, it’s a nice, slick, expensive status symbol, but what the hell is the use? The times I’ve played with one, I get pretty bored after just a few minutes. It seems to me to be in this in between place in terms of electronics where the usefulness of the device is in question. I have a phone to make calls and send text messages and get my e-mail while on the go and to send jokes to Twitter and listen to my cached Spotify playlist. Great. I use that thing all the time. And then I have a laptop which I use for more serious computing or when I prefer to have a physical keyboard: writing, editing at sessions and the office, processing photos on vacation, dealing with e-mails that require more than a curt response, browsing the interwebs, writing posts on this blog, whatever. Additionally, I have a Mac Pro at home that I use for heavy lifting tasks: editing real things, heavy photo work, After Effects, Logic, Reason, color correction, dual-boot Windows tasks (Hi, Steam!), and anything else I prefer to have a real monitor for.

So, what exactly, in my life, would I use an iPad—or any other tablet, really—for? I just don’t know. Besides playing iPad-specific games and using iPad-specific apps, I can’t think of a single task the iPad is better suited for than my other devices. Calls? Phone. Writing? Laptop or tower. Editing? Laptop or tower. Text messages? Phone. E-reader? Kindle. There’s only one thing I can think of that the iPad would be perfectly suited for: reading comics. But do I read enough comics to justify spending 500 bucks at minimum on an iPad? Hell no. I haven’t spent more than a hundred bucks tops on comics in the last decade. Not exactly worth the additional expense.

On the flight to and from Breckenridge recently, I sat next to my executive producer and she watched numerous episodes of a television show called Luther on her iPad. That was pretty cool, I suppose, but I would never use it that way. I loathe watching films and television on little screens. I find it to be immensely displeasurable. If I cannot watch in on my television at home, from the sofa, with awesome sound, I pretty much don’t want to watch it. That preference right there is one of the things that has kept me from piracy for so long. I feel no moral qualms about stealing from movie studios; I just don’t want to sit at the desk or stare at my laptop to watch films. Meh. No thanks.

“But, Joe,” you say, “build a home theatre pc. Or hook your laptop to the TV!” Don’t think I haven’t thought about the former. The only thing that has prevented me from doing so is that I have particularly expensive taste and won’t do it unless I build myself a totally pimp HTPC. For that we’re looking at a solid 800 bucks to a grand. Too much to throw at something that actively prevents me from being productive. I struggle enough with getting things done. The last thing I need is something else to prevent me from getting work done. Netflix on the PS3 is bad enough already. Steam too. And to address the latter point, whatever. What am I, living in a dorm room? Give me a break. Get real.

My friend Charles has an iPad, and is eagerly awaiting the release of the new one because of the enhanced display resolution. That makes total sense because Charles makes a living developing iPad applications. I was really excited about the release of Avid’s Media Composer 6 because of its enhanced AMA support, redesigned interface (trust me, it needed it), and 64-bitness. But were you excited about MC6? Of course you weren’t. You probably didn’t even know it was coming out, and, if you had, you wouldn’t have cared because you see no utility in it. I wish I was excited about the iPad, but I just am not.

That brings us around to the whole point of this post. What do you, my darling readers, use your iPads for? Fucking off on the internet? Watching videos and films? Listening to music? Composing e-mails? Making electronic music? Do you use it when you travel as a laptop substitute? Do you use it at home instead of owning a proper desktop computer? Do you live in the cloud? Do you like to read books off the back lit screen? I don’t. Do you use it as a personal media hub? I am not trying to be snarky. I really want to know how you use your iPad. Chime up in comments and tell me.

Dollar Shave Club: Advertising done so, so right

My work compatriot Mike sent me this video today while I should have been working. Instead, I watched the video and am now wasting more time telling all of you about the video. C’est la vie, eh?

The video is an ad for a new website called Dollar Shave Club which is dedicated to bringing men (and women, I suppose) affordable razors.

From their About page:

We got tired of spending $15-$20 every time we bought razor blades. We asked ourselves, did we really need all this fancy technology in our shave: a vibrating handle, LED guide-lights, 8-blades, and grip that could steady a 9-iron? The answer was a defiant “No”!

We felt like we’d been over-marketed to. “Big Shave” companies keep telling us we need more expensive equipment, but why? Shaving should be simple. It sure used to be. Look at old photos of your father & grandfather. They didn’t have extreme shave gear, and they look pretty handsome, don’t they?

So… we teamed up with one of the world’s leading blade manufacturers and created signature 2, 4, and 6 blade razors. They’ve got everything you need in a shave: stainless steel blades, lubrication bars, and pivoting heads.

Seems pretty neat to me, but they’ve forgotten man’s most affordable, most rugged shaving method: the humble, magnificent, thrift safety razor. I switched to the safety razor years and years ago after becoming fed up with the poor shaves I was getting from more modern razors. Plus, as they said above, who wants to spend 15-20 bucks for fucking cartridges? Then you try and drag out blades WELL past when you should and you get piss poor shaves. No thanks.

With a minor investment in brush and handle, safety razors are your best friend when shaving. There are numerous of brands of blades on the market, all of which are incredibly cheap. My personal favorites, the Turkish Derby Extras. A few years ago, Jesse and I got a sample pack of razors and determined that the Derbies were the best: just sharp enough but not too sharp (Feathers, I’m looking at you), hold an edge well, and are inexpensive. For 20 cents a blade, you really don’t mind shaving with it three or four times and then replacing it. And therein is the advantage: with a constantly sharp blade (and a good afetrshave), you tend not to suffer from cuts and ingrown hairs and razor burn so endemic with dull, shitty blades. Think about it this way: have you ever tried to cut a tomato with a dull knife? Think about what happens to the poor tomato. Same thing with your face.

Plus, since I shave MAYBE once every 5 to 7 days (not for lack of hair; purely from laziness), I spend maybe a dollar on razors a month. Quite a bit like what they are charging for their baseline razor, but I get a vastly superior shave. In fact, if these guys were smart, they’d offer a double edge razor offer. Maybe like 10 razors a month for a buck. 5 for 50 cents? There’s got to be something there for the safety razor enthusiast. And hell, I’d like to support Dollar Shave Club. Seems like a good crüe.

So, if you’re not yet enlightened to the joys of a good wetshave with a safety razor, check these dudes out. I like their thing and this ad is pure brilliance.