He is smarter than I am. He is smarter, taller (slightly), more handsome, funnier, faster, stronger, and does way better with the ladies than I do. I bet he fucks way better than me too. I bet he’s able to do all sorts of crazy sexual shit that I’ve never even thought of before, stuff that would blow my fucking mind. And I bet he’s so good at it that he makes chicks explode. Literally explode from having sex with him. But, I bet it doesn’t phase him at all. He just makes chicks explode by banging them and then some other chicks just line right up to get freaky with him with the full knowledge that allowing him to dip his wick into their most wonderful and mysterious piles of wax might make them explode. They’re down. He’s just that great. I’ve never gotten close enough to check, but I bet he even smells good, like some fancy English cologne or cookies or some crazy thing that makes women go totally nuts for his junk.
Every day after football practice he comes into my deli and orders the same thing: turkey with provolone and pickles on a dutch crunch roll. Then he buys a single bag of chips and a Gatorade and leaves. Turkey and provolone? Seriously? He even orders sandwiches better than I do. I usually just go with ham and american cheese on white bread. Why don’t I think to order turkey and provolone? I even work in a fucking deli! I make his god damned, perfect turkey and provolone and pickles on dutch crunch every day, and I still lack the imagination, the foresight, to order something so utterly perfect. It haunts my dreams. In all honesty, I will go to my grave never having ordered a sandwich quite as perfect as that. It’s disgusting.
But no, the worst part about all this? He’s nice. I know, right? He’s fucking nice. All of this perfection—the turkey and provolone, the athleticism, the blowing chicks up with his dick—would be tolerable if he were a total, raging dick bag. But guess what? He’s fucking decent, man. No no no. Not just decent, he’s practically a fucking saint. I mean, he walks around and birds land on his shoulders and chipmunks run up to him like Saint Francis. Everyone in our town stops him and says hello in the street, how are you doing, I’m fine, thank you. And how could you not? He freaking radiates good will.
Do you even know what that feels like? To be shown up by someone who is totally perfect in every single way? To want to be liked, to be popular, to finally make it with some girl in your high school class—she doesn’t need to be perfect, just not fat or ugly, I’m not that picky—and have every effort trampled unwittingly by some golden locked Adonis who can save the world with his smile? Do you comprehend the frustration that brings? Can you smell my seething rage at this horrid state of injustice? It’s not fair, man. It’s just not fair.