This is a process.
I know that. I understand that. This is all about letting go, about learning about myself.
I’ve lived for a long time in not exactly the healthiest manner, but everyone makes mistakes, right? I mean, you’ve made mistakes before, right? Don’t answer. Everyone has. It’s really ok. This is about me, not you. Well, it’s about you, but to a lesser extent. You’re incidental. I’m the main character here. Don’t worry. Everyone has to have supporting roles once in a while.
God damn, this feels really good. No, no. This feels great. Talking about this after so long, after so much deception is like taking your jacket off when you get home on one of those autumn days that is much too warm for a jacket but you’ve worn it all day and you’re sweaty but your hands are full and you can just hold the damn thing right now and you’re suffocating because you didn’t check the weather before leaving the house. Or, you know, like lifting a weight, but that’s boring.
Have you ever had a moment when you felt quite as alive as I feel right now?
Oh, sorry. You’re not the, uh, “talkative” type. I understand. I’ll do the talking from here on out. Is it a monolog when I’m the only person talking with someone else on stage, or is that a soliloquy? I can never keep those two separate in my head, probably why I failed that college drama course I took. Be the flames, she said! Be the wind! I would just stand, wiggling my arms, and feel foolish. I suppose not all of us are supposed to be actors. Wait, put your ear to my chest.
Can you hear that?
My heart is racing.
I’ve just been thinking about this for so long. It feels really nice to have you here, like this, so close to me. Yet, still, so far away.
But that’s what this is about, right? This process? About spanning the distance? Erecting a bridge between the shores of our lives.
Has anyone told you that you smell nice when you’re scared? You do.
Are you hungry? We could get some food.
Lost your appetite? That’s cool. No, really, I’m not mad. I lose mine when I’m deep into really emotional moments too. Do you feel the connection between us? It’s electric. Boogie woogie. Haha, just kidding. Oh jeez, are you crying? Hold on, I’ll be right back.
Sorry about the electric slide joke. I thought it would make you laugh. Just trying to lighten the air in here a little. People have always told me I was funny. I’m not sure I ever believed them, but it was better than thinking they were laughing at me. I have a good sense of humor. I’m a nice guy. Friendly.
Want a bite of my sandwich? It’s got turkey and salami. No? Ok.
So, you’re probably thinking, “Why me? Why am I here?” Trust me, I have nothing against you. Like I said, this is about me, not you. You just have a real nice face and were kind enough to come home with me. How did you know this was going to happen? You couldn’t have. There’s no link between us, but by the end of this there will be. Now, isn’t that a comforting thought? I needed someone to talk to and you were there. You’re kind of like an angel, don’t you think?
Would it make you feel better if I rewound a little and talked about what brought me, and by extension, you, here tonight? It’s warm. Would you like a cool rag for your neck? It’s no problem, really.
This will be quick and as clean as I can make it. I’m a professional. You can trust me. But let’s talk about the past, ok?