I’ll let you all in on a little secret: I absolutely loathe the happy birthday song. Every time I hear it I cringe and want to crawl into the darkest, dankest hole imaginable and die a million painful deaths only to be reborn each time to live in utter agony again until the next moment I am forced to hear the happy birthday song at which point the cycle repeats and repeats and repeats as if some hellish ouroboros of pain. It is the most embarrassing piece of regularly-mangled music I am ever forced to hear, much less sing, which you will never hear me do. Ever. I will sing everything else, all the time, anywhere, but you will never hear me sing the happy birthday song. Never. And don’t get me started on having to hear some poor group of waiters and waitresses being forced to sing it to someone at their table.

I shudder.

With that in the forefront of your consciousness, I introduce an alternative song for birthday celebrations: Total Ghost’s “Happy Birthday”. Sure, it’s not as easy to remember, and it’s about 800 times as long, but it is so superior that I hereby move to have it utterly replace all instances of the original happy birthday song by Jan 1, 2013. Do you not agree? Are you not enticed by their faux-German superelectropopness? Does the multimedia display turn your stomach? Do you disapprove of smoking? Are you joyless? Then I don’t see why you might protest.

Enjoy and remember the next time you sing the old happy birthday song that you might just be causing someone horrible anguish and that person might be me.