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Day: June 3, 2011

A Letter to Men Who Wear Their Cell Phones On Their Belts

Dear Men Who Wear Their Cell Phones On Their Belts,

What the fuck are you, fucking Batman? What your pockets aren’t good enough to hold you phone? You need to proudly display the shitty old Nokia you got for free when you signed your 2-year Boost Mobile contract? Is it some sort of status symbol for you that you can own—and display—an item that 900 million other people also own?

I don’t understand at all. I’ve known people who have worn their phones on their belt, but only while they were working. I guess that is sort of acceptable, but I still think the phone should just go in their pocket. Put it in your pocket, guy.

But, you ask, what about those poor unfortunate souls who don’t have pockets? Wait. People are wearing pants without pockets but are still wearing enough of a belt that the can hang their phone? Do you see the essential problem with this? Let me recommend a solid three-step course of action for you if find yourself mired in this existential quandary.

  1. Buy pants that have pockets.
  2. Put those pants on.
  3. Put your cell phone in your pocket.

Three easy steps to success! Do you know what else it will do, MWWTCPOTB? It will help you look like less of an ASSHOLE.

For example, look at this:

This dude looks like an asshole! Why does he need a cell phone on his belt, let alone MANY cell phones!? Can you enlighten me, MWWTCPOTB? No, I didn’t think you could.

Get some pockets, jerk.

Sincerely,

The Black Laser.

In honor of the passing of Dr. Kevorkian, here’s some Acid Bath

Jack Kevorkian died yesterday at the age of 83. You all know who he was: the infamous Dr. Death, proponent of assisted suicide, inventor of the suicide machine, and… a painter and jazz musician? Yup. He painted some grotesque, disturbing works in his day. And released a jazz flute record.

What you might not know if that the painting above on Acid Bath’s 1996 metal masterpiece Paegan Terrorism Tactics is a painting by Kevorkian called “For He Is Raised.” If any of you love me, you’ll follow that link and get me a print. Really.

In honor of the passing of a man who I think genuinely helped those in need, here are a few of my favorite tracks from Paegan Terrorism Tactics.

[audio:https://www.theblacklaser.net/blog/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/02-Bleed-Me-An-Ocean.mp3|titles=Bleed Me An Ocean|artists=Acid Bath] [audio:https://www.theblacklaser.net/blog/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/05-Locust-Spawning.mp3|titles=Locust Spawning|artists=Acid Bath] [audio:https://www.theblacklaser.net/blog/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/08-Venus-Blue.mp3|titles=Venus Blue|artists=Acid Bath] [audio:https://www.theblacklaser.net/blog/wp-content/audio/ab_dead_girl.mp3|titles=Dead Girl|artists=Acid Bath]

Enjoy. I had a very hard time picking just four songs to share with you. Paegan Terrorism Tactics is easily one of my all-time favorite metal albums.

Buy some photos from my brother. I command it.

I’ve written about my brother Charlie before here numerous times. Well, he recently started an Etsy store where he’s selling some prints of photos he’s been taking around San Francisco. Go give him some money. The prints are very reasonably priced and he’s a good man.

I particularly like this one:

Cha, do you hear that? I like THAT one. You have my mailing address.

Here’s the link to his Etsy shop: Charlie Dillingham on Etsy.