Have you ever thought to yourself, “Man, I would really like to make some delicious vegan pad thai and have the directions screamed at me to Black Metal music”? Of course you have. And now your dreams have come true! No longer will you have to play the same tired Burzum record over and over as your prepare your seitan faux-chicken nuggets as the snow falls on the trees in the woods surrounding your isolated shed and wolves cry out the song of the old Norse gods. Vegan Black Metal Chef is here to kvlture your ass on how to construct totally br00tal, meatless pad thai.

But if you wanted to really be Black Metal, you’d make the vegan pad thai and then put meat in it. And then burn down a church.