With all this newly found free time I have, I’ve come to realize a few things about myself. Typically introspection is not my game. I prefer instead to blindly run through life without a clue about why I do things or why I am the way I am. I think it provides a more comfortable background for being the sort of absurd bastard that I am. Nevertheless, in the quiet moments, I have learned some things.
First, I am essentially an anxious person. If I have nothing to worry about—and often I don’t—I will manufacture something to be stressed out about, something the make me lose sleep. It’s like anxiety is the fuel for the engine of my life. It’s funny because I’s always thought of myself as sort of an easy going person, but the evidence does not lie. You’ll find plenty of examples of me bitching about being stressed out on this site. They’re everywhere.
Next, I am horrible at being alone. I spent a lot of time in my past relationship desperately seeking alone time, but now that all I have is alone time I don’t want it. I don’t want to go back to the intensely togetherness of living with someone, but I wish I had someone to play with basically all the time. If you’re reading this and in New York, you’ve gotten a call or text from me beseeching you to come and while away an afternoon with me. For example, I’ve been trying to get my friend Adam to hang out for weeks, but he is constantly scheduled and busy. I’ve been trying all sorts of peer pressure tactics—both vinegar and honey—but to no avail. If you’ve turned me down, I’m not mad.
Next, I am terrible at saying “no” to things. This ties in with the last bit of revelatory self awareness. If a friend calls me and asks me to go out and I’ve been out every night for three weeks and desperately need sleep and have work early the next day, I will say “yes” every time. The thought of saying “no” makes me anxious (see?) enough that I just don’t do it. Life is too short for “no”s and “later”s. Have fun and enjoy it. But once in a while, you probably need to sleep too. This is a lesson I am learning. Then again, as Stephin Merritt once sang, “There’ll be time enough for sleeping when we’re dead. You can have a velvet pillow for your head. But tonight I think I’d rather just go dancing.”
The real question is what to do with all this knowledge? What does a man do with awareness of self? Change? Understand? Regret? Enlighten? Do my motivations change by being understood? Or do I keep spinning the same wheel, a hamster perpetually running but making no process?
As I’ve been in a similar situation as you have, between anxiety and the need to be alone, but not COMPLETELY alone, here’s my recommendation:
GET A DOG.
Or a Cat, or hell, a hermit crab. At least, then you have a reason to say no to going out- you have to walk, feed, generally take care of said animal. You have a viable reason to be anxious- fluffy, or fido needs to go to the vet, needs to be feed, has been alone too long, etc. And of course, you don’t look like a complete weird-o when you’re talking to yourself alone in your apartment.
Oh my goodness, I can barely care for myself much less an animal. Besides, I’m of the opinion that pets are more work than they are worth. I guess I just don’t like animals enough to want to own one. I like playing with dogs sometimes, but only for like 10 minutes and then I’m all, “Ok, go away now. And get your toxic shedding hair away from me.”
And it is with THIS blog post that I say, “Hey, Joe, want to grab a drink tonight?”