Tiffany sent me “You Can’t Please Everyone” from the Cynical C-Blog, a site I had never heard of. Basically they take classic films, books, and records and collect the 1-star reviews from Amazon. Hilarious. Here are some of my favorites.

On This Is…Spinal Tap:

Okay, seriously, who the heck are these Spinal Tap fellas? I’m an expert on music (I studied the art form for four years, know every artist of the last 40 years, and scored an A+ on my math test…which really doesn’t have anything to do with music, but it shows you that I am intellegent), and have never heard of these guys before. Let me ask you a perfectly reasonable question: why would you want to watch a documentary on a band that you’ve never heard of before? And to top it all off, the interviewer is some guy named Rob (who resembles a pig! That’s right, a little piggy!). If I wanted to look at a hog for an hour, I’d make some bacon!

Also of note is that there’s some character named ‘Bobbi Fleckman’. How can you people be fooled so easily? Don’t you realize that it’s nothing but a cheap disguise? It’s really The Nanny, Fran Fine! Nice try, Fran, but I didn’t believe it for one second! I guess sometimes, you just have to get away from that butler and that old British guy!

People, whatever you do, don’t buy this trash! Just wait until Limp Bizkit (the greatest band ever!) makes a documentary on their wild and crazy and cool antics! It’s sure to put this to shame!

On The Godfather:

This movie was so violent I couldn’t believe it! On a scale of 1 to 10 on the violence in this movie I would give it a 9!

On Anne Frank’s Diary of a Young Girl:

The story of a teenage girl who spent some time in an annex and found out about love, sex and everything else related to that age group could have been quite interesting, but Anne Frank’s personality and written style is a bit weak. I think this book has been way overrated. Sure it’s sad that one had to be stuck under such circumstances at that age, but let’s face it, their situation was not the worst: people brought them food, they had a radio, books, pens, magazines and even partial freedom to fall in love. From all the positive criticism given on this book, I was very disappointed. Anne Frank may have become a big writer, but only because she was Jewish and “suffered” during the Nazi era, not because she was a particularly good writer. So if you’re in for feeling sorry once again for the Jews, do read this book, but if you’re looking for a literary masterpiece, then don’t even bother to pick this book up.

On Homer’s The Odyssey:

I thought this story was very gross. I mean come on. We are having to read this book in freshman English. Actually our teacher reads it to us, but it is still disgusting. We are also having to watch the movie of this, talk about gruesome. It’s like Scylla comes out of the water and chomps these people out of the ship and blood showers everywhere. I almost threw up every day when we watch this movie. We watch a little each day. I am over there about to puke up my toes and everybody else, all the boys anyway, are saying how cool it is. My boyfriend just laughs when I tell him I almost threw up in there, he is a freshman, so he has to watch it also. I’m sure he thinks it is awesome,but I don’t. If you really like gory stories you will like it. If you don’t then I wouldn’t read it or watch the movie if I were you. I am not saying to listen to me, you can have your own opinion, I’m just saying I don’t like it.

On The Sound of Music:

This movie was made in the sixties, we live in the 21st century, GET OVER IT!

On 2001: A Space Odyssey:

Rented this one just to laugh at how movie-makers in the 50’s and 60’s thought the world was going to look in the year 2001. I figured we would see ridiculous flying-cars, jet-packs, meal-in-a-pill, talking-robots, etc. Then I figured I was gonna write a review here talking about how wrong they were (since the year 2001 has already happened and it was nothing like that)and reccomend it just for a laugh. Here’s how it really went. I popped it in the player and to my surprise it just looked like a fake documentary about monkeys with a couple of guys in really fake looking monkey costumes. Kind of like Planet of the Apes. 5 minutes in: Still monkeys (no narraration or anything either). 10 minutes in I asked myself “How are they going to stretch this out for a whole stupid-movie?!” I will never know. Because when a monkey threw a bone up in the air so high that it went into space and morphed into a rocket-ship I was done with this garbage. Who on earth would predict the year 2001 would be like that!? I returned it shortly after that and rented Mortal-Kombat 2 which was way more realistic with better fighting. In conclusion, you would be much better-off renting a documentary about apes, or even Gorillas in the mist, or maybe Planet of the Apes which this movie is trying to be. AVOID!! Later.

On The Wizard of Oz:

So you think this is good eh? Well,it stinks! There is’nt much point in watching it. This movie should be a movie only babies watch. For some reason,my sister likes this movie!?! Now tell me,what could be more pointless then watching a little girl and other stupiod characters (tin man,scarecrow,etc) going to a castle where the Wizard turns them back to where they belong. Boring!

Graphics 0/5
The worst graphics in history. Even movies like Rudolf the Red Nose Reindeer had cooler graphics. When I’m watching it,I force myself to see once I get to the castle part….. woooosssshhhh I run out of the room so I don’t see this totrure.

Sound 1/5
The sound is okay. But difinitly not the best

Overall 0/5
Whatever you do,don’t buy this If you do,you are giving me your money and I’m going to buy you the Increbles. You will and I mean WILL be sorry if you by this

Seriously, I could go on and on and on. Such gold.