My friend Jamez posted this on Facebook as a response to my Cee Lo post below.

Now, I don't know if he's commenting on me, since this is how I look right now:

Or if he is commenting on himself, since this is how he looks:

Either way, it's like he's blessed us with this weird tranny mess singing about wet vaginas and why she loves to fuck dudes who have beards. If this is not the feelgood hit of 2010, I don't know what is. Fuck all that slowed-down-Justin-Blieber shit and Double Rainbow song and whatever out there. Majela ZeZe Diamond and her (his?) vagina song is the new hot shit.

And I quote...

1. Giant Penises

2. Necrophiles

I'd post the remaining 20 list items and associated photos, but I think my server might get so terrified that it would kill itself.

See the rest of the contemptible list here: 22 Things You Will Probably See at the 2010 Gathering of the Juggalos.

Thanks, Gardner!

Someone get this motherfucker a record deal STAT! Such eloquent use of Autotune! So artful! So inspired! LOVE THIS.*

*no.

They're at it again! Here's the just-released infomercial for the 11th Annual Gathering of the Juggalos. So ripe for making fun of.

"You'll probably get laid"... are you kidding me? Ridiculous.

You've seen this video before. It's been making the rounds. The only reason I'm torturing you with it is because I've never seen a video that made me want to punch someone in the fucking face harder than this video has. I would recommend that you enjoy it, but I just don't think it's possible.

A grown man crying over a rainbow? Give me a fucking break, asshole. You want to know what it means, guy? It means that fucking water is refracting light in the atmosphere. Get over it.

Here's another gem.

It's not that many turkeys, jerk. How fucking stoned retarded are you? Fuck you.

In other, less bitter news, the whiskey train has pulled into the station, been attacked by bandits, set on fire, and then exploded. Unfortunately, it was the only one so we won't be able to ride it anymore.

When there's lightning, you know it always brings me down....

No baseball! Fuck!

FUCK!!!

Since posting "Miracles" the other day, I've been talking a lot about the Insane Clown Posse and wondering how the fuck magnets work. And because I'm not sure I've posted this video here before, I wanted to share with all of my darling Black Laser readers the 14 minute long announcement video for 2009's Gathering of the Juggalos. In the off chance that you don't know what a Juggalo is, here's the Wikipedia page.

You know what is even better about this? It's 100% completely real. I mean it. It's totally real.

Read that again. Then watch the video again.

Done?

Good.

IT'S FUCKING REAL.

Want to buy tickets to the 2010 Gathering? They're on sale!

Want to see photos from the 2009 Gathering?! Sure! How about here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, or here? If you need more, Google will help!

Saturday Night Live even did a surprisingly accurate parody of it.

The world we live in is a scary place and the internet allows us to see so much of it that we might all end up blind.

So, who's up for a 2010 trip to The Gathering of the Juggalos? Only 150 bucks for four full days of DARK CARNIVAL MAYHEM!

This video has been making the rounds, so you might have seen it. But, if you haven't, it is absolutely worth watching. Pay attention to the lyrics. It is absolutely a masterfully crafted piece of music. Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope are poets.

Don't believe me? Have a transcript.

If magic is all we've ever know
Then it's easy to miss what really goes on
But I've seen miracles in every way
And I see miracles everyday
Oceans spanning beyond my sight
And a million stars way above em at night
We don't have to be high to look in the sky
And know that's a miracle opened wide
Look at the mountains, trees, the seven seas
And everything chilling underwater, please
Hot lava, snow, rain and fog
Long neck giraffes, and pet cats and dogs
And I've seen eighty-five thousand people
All in one room, together as equals
Pure magic is the birth of my kids
I've seen shit that'll shock your eyelids
The sun and the moon, and even Mars
The Milky Way and fucking shooting stars
UFOs, a river flows
Plant a little seed and nature grows
Niagara falls and the pyramids
Everything you believed in as kids
Fucking rainbows after it rains
there's enough miracles here to blow your brains
I fed a fish to a pelican at Frisco bay
It tried to eat my cell phone, he ran away
And music is magic, pure and clean
You can feel it and hear it but it can't be seen

Music is all magic
(Are you a believer in miracles)
You can't even hold it
(Do you notice and recognize miracles)
it's just there in the air
(Are you a believer in miracles)
Pure motherfucking magic Right?
This shit'll blow your fucking mind
(Do you notice and recognize miracles)

Music is a lot like love, it's all a feeling
And it fills the room, from the floor to the ceiling
I see miracles all around me
Stop and look around, it's all astounding
Water, fire, air and dirt
Fucking magnets, how do they work?
And I don't wanna talk to a scientist
Y'all motherfuckers lying, and getting me pissed
Solar eclipse, and vicious weather
Fifteen thousand Juggalos together
And I love my mom for giving me this
Time on this planet, taking nothing for granted
I seen a caterpillar turn into a butterfly
Miracles ain't nothing to lie
Shaggy's little boys look just like Shaggy
And my little boy looks just like daddy
Miracles each and every where you look
And nobody has to stay where they put
This world is yours for you to explore
there's nothing but miracles beyond your door
The Dark Carnival is your invitation
To witness that without explanation
Take a look at this fine creation
And enjoy it better with appreciation
Crows, ghosts, the midnight coast
The wonders of the world, mysteries the most
Just open your mind, and it ain't no way
To ignore the miracles of every day

(Are you a believer in miracles)
Magic everywhere in this bitch
(Do you notice and recognize miracles)
it's all around you, you don't even know it
(Are you a believer in miracles) Shit's crazy
(Do you notice and recognize miracles,
So many miracles, the magic miracles)

Are you a believer in miracles
Do you have time for the miracles
Do you notice and recognize miracles
So many miracles, the magic miracles
Are you a believer in miracles
Do you have time for the miracles
Do you notice and recognize miracles
So many miracles, the magic miracles
Are you a believer in miracles
Do you have time for the miracles
Do you notice and recognize miracles
So many miracles, the magic miracles
Are you a believer in miracles
Do you have time for the miracles
Do you notice and recognize miracles
So many miracles, the magic miracles

Here are some of the highlights for me.

"Fucking rainbows after it rains
there's enough miracles here to blow your brains"

"Fucking magnets, how do they work?
And I don't wanna talk to a scientist
Y'all motherfuckers lying, and getting me pissed"

"I fed a fish to a pelican at Frisco bay
It tried to eat my cell phone, he ran away"

Astounding work, guys. Really astounding work. You have given us a gift.

Seriously. Bullshit. At least my mustache is awesome.

Dear Hunter,

Boo.

I am disappointed. This is not a very fun way to start my Monday. I thought I wrote a pretty fucking good piece for you guys. Much better than last year's certainly. Was it the F for the English class on my NYU transcript? Was it all the cursing in my piece? Was it that I'm just so super stylish and great that you thought I would overwhelm the rest of the students? Probably not. Whatever arcane magic went into your decision making process, I am not mad. Disappointed? Yes. Saddened? A little. Curious? Totally. I also understand that you only take six students a year and that the selection process is a difficult one. I guess I lost this little wager.

Luckily, I have a career I like and things to look forward to. And, shit, I can and will keep writing.

All in all, Hunter College, I understand. Personally, I think you made the wrong choice, but what are you going to do? We'll see how I feel about applying a third time in the coming autumn.

Sincerely,

Joe Dillingham
The Black Laser

I first saw Event Horizon theatrically way back in the late 90s (remember those?). I was with some friends, probably Deegan, and I remember walking out after the film thinking that it was the biggest piece of shit I'd ever endured. But time eases such pains and since 1997 I've heard from someone whose opinion I trusted that it's actually an all right film. I thought that perhaps I'd judged the film too harshly. Perhaps I had missed the obvious brilliance within the film. Perhaps some of the subtext had flown right over my 15 year old head.

I threw the film onto my Netflix queue and it arrived yesterday in the mail. After doing the dishes while listening to Hall & Oates and making myself a sensible dinner, I sat down to give Event Horizon a second shot. I am nothing if not a giving man. I placed the blu-ray disc into the PS3 and waited for my mind to be blown.

Well, if you have taken anything from the title of this post, my mind was not blown. I mean, the movie blew, but my mind remained entirely unblown. Event Horizon has to be one of the most formulaic pieces of crap I've ever had the extreme misfortune of forcing upon myself. If you haven't seen the movie, let me ruin it for you.

It's the future! People live in space! A few years ago the government sent a super secret spaceship to the far reaches of outer space and it disappeared! Zip forward to now, which is still the future, and a small, rag tag group of ethnically-diverse soldiers are on a spaceship going to investigate a distress beacon on the far side of the solar system! A scientist rides along with them! Uh-oh! After they get out of hypersleep or whatever they call it, the scientist tells them, in a feat of unrivaled expository pseudo-science, that the distress beacon belongs to the Event Horizon! The ship was a super secret experiment in faster-than-light travel and on its first trip out, it disappeared! What happened to it?! The rescue crew boards the ship and all sorts of really spooky things start to happen! Hallucinations! The lights flash on and off! Bloooooooodddddd! Soon after boarding things start going to hell—literally! Turns out when the ship's experimental drive punctured the fabric of the universe it went to hell and came back alive and evil! Really! That's the actual plot point! The original crew is all dead! Scary! The scientist along for the ride who, coincidentally built the fancy engine thing, gets pulled into the evil will of the ship and then starts to sabotage their efforts to escape! Oooooh! Then the captain and the scientist have a stand off and the scientist gets sucked into space! But the ship brings him back to life! Convenient! Then they have another stand off and end up traveling through the darkness dimension but we never find out what happens to them! The end! It actually says "the end"!

I think I can sum up the whole film and my feelings about it with one photo and a related caption.

Oh no! Your eyes! What happened?! Oh, you saw Event Horizon? I understand.

Indulging in every stupid horror cliche, Event Horizon is so mired in banality that I couldn't even see through to the positives that it does have. It's a well designed film, to be sure, but that's not enough for me to get past just how fucking awful the script is. Every single word made me cringe. And I LOVE bad science fiction. It's great. But this is bad science fiction trying to be GOOD science fiction and GOOD horror and it just doesn't have the chops to do either. It just plain sucks. Every time there was a dramatic pause before one of the characters revealed something.... dramatic, I wanted to punch the TV in the face. I wanted to fly to England, grab Paul W. S. Anderson, and punch him in the face over and over and over. And then I want to punch him in the face for the Resident Evil films, for Mortal Kombat, and for the rest of his fucking trash body of work. It's like he's taking other, better films, distilling them to their common beats, making those beats dumber, and then making the movie over again ineptly. Just terrible.

Do yourself and favor and never see this movie. I'd ask for my two hours back, but I'd only waste them.

It just goes to show that being tone deaf, unable to sing, and unable to write and perform a song doesn't mean that your dreams of being in a band have to be put aside. Honestly, these guys might be regular old deaf. If so, more power to them.

Go for the gold, guys!

Check out that ripping guitar solo. Also, great use of Futura for the title at the front. Wicked smart choice.

Thanks, Tiffany!

Palate cleanser after the jump. (continue reading...)

'Oral sex' definition prompts dictionary ban in US schools

The article speaks for itself.

Idiocy 1, Learning 0.

See this?

Do you know what this is? If you've been keeping up on all the blogs, you do, but let me illuminate you in case you haven't. This magical little turd is the new SARCASM PUNCTUATION MARK which you can buy from US-based Sarcasm Inc., whose site is down right now, for use on the Mac, Windows, the iPhone, Blackberry, whatever.

Seriously, guys? Are you kidding me? That is the stupidest fucking idea ever. I'm not even going to indulge these people by posting sarcastic remarks in this post. Do we really need to dignify sarcasm with a brand new punctuation mark? And do we really need to BUY IT? I'm pretty sure I get all my cues regarding whether or not a statement is sarcastic from context, just as people have done it since the beginning of verbal communication. No doubt sarcasm has been around that long.

What's next? The irony mark? Maybe a schadenfreude mark? How about a mark to indicate that I'm writing something in an e-mail to someone that I don't really care about but feel obligated to explain so that they're not confused even though it would only take them two minutes to research it on Google? Give me a fucking break. As David Lynch said, "Get real." How about you learn to insert the proper clues into the text to indicate that you are being sarcastic? If you can't do that, it's probably best to leave the fucking sarcasm out of your work e-mails. Stick to declarative statements and everything will be just fine.