Tag Archive: Horrible


True Love Waits

This video really reinforced my decision to wait with Sarah. Until later today. Did you see some of these dweebs? Who wants them as friends? Pfft.

Idiots.

In my internet travels recently (reddit? blogs? somewhere else?) I stumbled across FanFiction.net. I’ve never had a high opinion of fan fiction, but that was a purely conceptual bias. The idea of fan fiction seems pretty absurd to me, even before considering the realities of fan fiction. Why would you waste your time creating fiction in worlds not of your own making? Why write stories about Marty McFly’s journeys through time and space with Dr Who? Why write stories about Data and Picard hooking up? Why write stories set in alternate Twilight world where there is a family of Frankenstein’s Monsters who own a chain of discotechs?

I have no idea either. It has never made sense to me. But that’s just me. And then today my curiosity got the better of me and I started reading some.

Wow. Just wow.

As a little experiment, let’s pick a section at random. How about “Games”? Ok. Games gives us quite a few topics to choose from. Let’s see…I liked Mass Effect. Let us see what we can find in Mass Effect.

On the first page there is a story called, “The Rise and Fall of Maria Shepard”. It gives us this gem.

Shepard collapsed to her knees, tears now washing away the velvet blood that was painted on her face, but soon Kaidan interrupted her thoughts with a sudden hand on her shoulder.

Clumsy. Awkward. I don’t know what a “sudden hand” is exactly, but overall not the worst sentence I’ve ever read.

Further down the page is a story called, “Rebuilding Our Realm”. I liked this bit.

“How are you feeling commander?” asked Fallon’s nurse – for what seemed like the 3rd time that day! Fallon herself had a cast on her left leg, her shoulder was still a little sore and her ribs still hurt whenever she yawned, laughed or coughed – not like she had been laughing much anyway! Since Wrex had found her, with the rest of the rescue squad, (in a part of the citadel that had crashed down through Earth’s atmosphere), and had taken her to one of the only remaining hospitals in London. Later that week the hospital had ran out of power, forcing the staff to move the critically injured and most important personnel to a different hospital situated in the city of Oxford. Oxford had mostly been untouched throughout the war, maybe one of two reapers bodies still lying round where they have not been picked up yet. The hospital itself was called the John Radcliffe – JR for short – the staff here were pleasant and she had had access to the best health care they offered; yet she still could not rest. Her crew had been announced missing the day after the war had finished, the same day that Wrex had found her. The press were constantly trying to get into the hospital to see their ‘hero of the war,’ one had managed to get in a couple of days ago and had asked her questions about how she had stopped the reapers, to which she could only answer that she could not remember. According to the doctors she had gone into survival mode when crashing down to Earth, and the horror of the whole ordeal had overridden her memory with information, meaning that the memory leading up to it was blacked out, and this had created a few hours of just blank information. So altogether she was not feeling great, she had lost her crew, her ship, her memory, but also the man she was falling in love with. Well when you say man…?

Whoa. Needless exposition much? Passive voice, run ons, and unnecessary information. I wondered what the hospital was called; I am glad the author deigned to tell us.

But let’s not skip my favorite entry on the first page of the Mass Effect section, “Mass Eject Chapter 1″.

I need some air i went outside and tried to cool off but my sadness from last night turned into rage at the hanar. (How dare it drag me here against my will.) I walk up to a lone tree and punched it pain shot up through my hand. Why me I had parents a family to care about i then kicked the before mentioned tree until my anger slipped away and turned into a dull pulsing pain in my chest. This feeling would not go away any time soon

What is not perfectly sublime about this passage? It displays an essential inability to communicate with the written word, yet here this young fellow is crafting the most awkward fiction I have ever had the pleasure to laugh through. I genuinely feel sympathy for the before mentioned tree and his vicious fight with the protagonist.

I feel like Fan Fiction.net is a lot like Elfwood, but where Elfwood serves as a repository for the worst and less worst of amateur art, Fan Fiction.net serves for writing. Sure, buried in the noise there are a few decently competent creators of stirring fan fiction, but overall the level of quality is so low that it is laughable. And a satisfying laugh it is. Where else could you find Great Expectations/Lord of the Rings crossover fiction?

I almost want to write some.

“We’re self-thinking survivors here…just like you.”

Well now doesn’t that just say it all.

This is the fourth Gathering of the Juggalos film I’ve posted here on The Black Laser. It is remarkable how time flies when you aren’t paying attention, isn’t it? This year’s crapfest clocks in at a lean 23:15, nearly four minutes shorter than last year’s abortion.

“Nothing but endless love over here.”

I wonder what possesses those who make these videos. Do they think, “How badly can I do something? How poor can my taste be? What is the most awful creative decision I can make?” Does Sugar Slam wake up in the morning and think, “What I do has creative merit. I am contributing to this world.”

The video looks like something an impaired 13 year old in sweats would dream up. I just can’t imagine being the sort of person to whom this would speak. Oh yes, I am so excited that the Psychopathic Boner Clowns are performing! Rap parties in the woods? Great! Being spoken to like I am a retard? Thanks!!

And then you see the line-up and are forced to consider that this is where a career goes to die. Sure, the Psychopathic Records roster is there, but they actually have other people you have heard of. Why would anyone choose to do this to themselves?

Holy shit! Mushroomhead is playing?!? I just ordered my tickets.

After the gonzo masterpiece of a video by Bonde Do Rolê below, comes this archetype to generic shitty metal videos. Let us examine the tropes this video shamelessly embraces, shall we?

  • Band playing in a warehouse.
  • Band lit from below.
  • Band wearing all black.
  • Dude walking through a field.
  • Barrels full of fire.
  • Dude with a shovel.
  • Close-ups of shredding.
  • Chubby baby-faced member of the band.
  • Did I mention unbelievably boring warehouse band footage?
  • Shitty symbolism.
  • I was talking about the sapling.
  • Looks like it was made for a dollar.

Did you spot any I missed? And I’m only talking about the video. The song is just as generic and shitty. The singer sounds like he’s trying to sound like Devin Townsend, but he lacks the fucking balls to pull it off. And what the fuck kind of name is “Communic”? Is it a play on “community” and “cynic”? Because if it is, that is fucking stupid as fuck.

So there you go. Watch the Bonde Do Rolê video below and leave this stinker alone.

“Game On”

Uh, I think this might be my new favorite song of forever. Except for all the factual errors, right wing rhetoric, terrible taste, horror, and general fundamentalist nonsense. I like everything but those things. Oh, yeah, and the music is pretty fucking bad.

Man, I love santorum. The guy, though, not so much.

The Karate Rap

Yup. The Karate Rap. I actually don’t want to say anything else about this. I think you need to watch it and digest it emotionally for yourself. It is a journey I can only lead you to the beginning of. I cannot walk down that path with you. Every one must walk it alone.

With visuals that would have looked cheap by 90s FMV game standards, TopCat Films has clearly set out to set a new standard for cinematic excellence with this one. Here’s the stirring synopsis from IMDB.

Henry Howard an ambitious young scientist struggles to develop a super human serum designed to improve muscle mass and prolong life expectancy. His boss, the grumpy General Darwin, will not allow Hank to marry his daughter, Hannah, until the experiment is a success. Against Darwin’s wishes Hank proposes to Hannah anyway, but his life is shattered by a mugger who steals his engagement ring. Dejected, Hank injects himself with the experimental serum and is transformed into the Amazing Bulk. The Bulk goes on a rampage through the city destroying everything in his path. Hank is caught by a relentless detective, imprisoned by Darwin and forced to battle the sadistic Dr. Kantlove, who threatens to blow up the moon with his arsenal of weapons.

Poor Dr. Kantlove. I wonder if he’ll ever find love on his quest to blow up the moon? But I am pretty sure I’ll never like grumpy General Darwin.

You can watch this gem when it comes out on DVD in April. Does anyone want to do a Thankskilling/The Amazing Bulk double feature with me and then drink poison Kool-Aid™?

JJ sent this to me today with one word: “Horrible.” I think he nailed it. This is the most insipid piece of trash I’ve seen in ages. Why anyone would attach themselves to this garbage shows an unbelievable failing in judgment and taste. I then IMed it to Lindsey and she informed me that this woman is in fact a “real” housewife of New York City. And here I was thinking she was just some tranny mess.

Terrible.

I’ve always found the real housewives series to be thoroughly unpalatable. They endorse the absolute worst in people and encourage idiocy on a scale that is unconscionable. Just the worst. THE WORST.