Tag Archive: Black metal


Emperor’s “Empty”

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To celebrate The Black Laser’s new, 150% more Black Metal logo, here is a music video by my favorite traditional Black Metal band, Emperor.

To me, the preeminent band to arise from the Black Metal scene in Norway in the early 90s, Emperor was the band that added Black Metal to my metal lexicon. Where other bands were too ridiculous in their corpsepaint and theatrics to be taken seriously, Emperor always felt deadly earnest. They maintained a raw energy and low-fi aesthetic that is integral to Black Metal, but they also didn’t shy away from a little bit of production to help their records shine. It was as if they understood (correctly) that they didn’t need to sound like a murky, 12th generation tape demo to be fucking brutal. For all the silliness of Darkthrone, Gorgoroth, or Immortal, Emperor drove Black Metal throw the snow with the fires of hell fueling their rampage. You couldn’t help but take Emperor seriously.

And though there have been other Black Metal bands and Blackened-Whatever bands since Emperor—even Ihsahn’s solo work would fall into this arena—that have written better songs and put out better records, Emperor still stands as the perfect example of what Black Metal should and could be when respected enough to throw away the stupid trappings of the scene.

Enjoy and respect the Darkness.

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My buddy Paul and I just found this alternate take from the interview below where Gaahl reveals his true inspiration.

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That is all.

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Have you ever thought to yourself, “Man, I would really like to make some delicious vegan pad thai and have the directions screamed at me to Black Metal music”? Of course you have. And now your dreams have come true! No longer will you have to play the same tired Burzum record over and over as your prepare your seitan faux-chicken nuggets as the snow falls on the trees in the woods surrounding your isolated shed and wolves cry out the song of the old Norse gods. Vegan Black Metal Chef is here to kvlture your ass on how to construct totally br00tal, meatless pad thai.

But if you wanted to really be Black Metal, you’d make the vegan pad thai and then put meat in it. And then burn down a church.

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Remember when I said that this is exactly the type of parent I am going to be and you all feared for my progeny? Well, let this next installment of Hessian Hobbies reinforce that sense of dread for my future children. Blood filled clay people balloons? Genius.

Det Satan Club

This makes me laugh a lot. Oh, you Christians and your love of strife. Don’t you know that Satan just wants everyone to get along and for Jesus to be comfortable and relaxed?

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I would pay in blood to see this in real life. For those of you who don’t know who Gorgoroth is, reference and reference.

Satan. *sips his wine*

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You’ve seen the original. And if not, where the hell have you been?

This parody might not be funny to a lot of you out there, but I know at least one person (Julian) who will appreciate this to the fullest. Enjoy. It made me laugh early on what is promising to be a busy, busy Friday. Love you all.