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A Letter to Men Who Wear Their Cell Phones On Their Belts

Dear Men Who Wear Their Cell Phones On Their Belts,

What the fuck are you, fucking Batman? What your pockets aren’t good enough to hold you phone? You need to proudly display the shitty old Nokia you got for free when you signed your 2-year Boost Mobile contract? Is it some sort of status symbol for you that you can own—and display—an item that 900 million other people also own?

I don’t understand at all. I’ve known people who have worn their phones on their belt, but only while they were working. I guess that is sort of acceptable, but I still think the phone should just go in their pocket. Put it in your pocket, guy.

But, you ask, what about those poor unfortunate souls who don’t have pockets? Wait. People are wearing pants without pockets but are still wearing enough of a belt that the can hang their phone? Do you see the essential problem with this? Let me recommend a solid three-step course of action for you if find yourself mired in this existential quandary.

  1. Buy pants that have pockets.
  2. Put those pants on.
  3. Put your cell phone in your pocket.

Three easy steps to success! Do you know what else it will do, MWWTCPOTB? It will help you look like less of an ASSHOLE.

For example, look at this:

This dude looks like an asshole! Why does he need a cell phone on his belt, let alone MANY cell phones!? Can you enlighten me, MWWTCPOTB? No, I didn’t think you could.

Get some pockets, jerk.

Sincerely,

The Black Laser.

8 Comments

  1. The Wizard The Wizard Post author | June 20, 2011

    The point stands. Take your phone off your belt!

  2. ROMEO SMACK ROMEO SMACK May 2, 2013

    Stop looking at guys waistline and hips and maybe this phone belt thing won’t bother you so much. It’s all good though. It’s now 2013 and homosexuality is now currently accepted by the major portion of American society. Lucky for you!

    • Joe The Wizard Joe The Wizard May 7, 2013

      It’s a bright world we live in, Romeo. A world where you can wear as many cell phones on your belt as you like. Get your cellphone-belt on if it pleases you. We can hold hands and frolic gaily through the market square.

  3. Robert Stever Robert Stever June 18, 2015

    Can’t put my phone on my belt, gets in the way of my handgun.
    First world problems I guess.

  4. Nichole Eckert Nichole Eckert October 30, 2020

    I just want to share that my aunt and uncle made a negative remark about their neighbor I have a crush on and how he wears his phone on his belt. My thing is if he’s happy doing so he should do it and if people don’t like it don’t look at him. There’s nothing in the bible that says “thou shall not wear your cell phones on your belts” and there’s no law saying you can’t wear your phone on your belt.

  5. Adam Adam March 23, 2021

    Have you ever considered the fact that your phone can get damaged in your pocket, especially if it’s a smartphone, it can easily get bent out of shape.

    • Joe Dillingham Joe Dillingham Post author | March 25, 2021

      I have not, but I’ve also never once in my life heard of someone bending their phones in their pockets.

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