Over the last couple months, my friend Lindsey and I have been coming up with taglines for salad, a meal we both find wholly dissatisfying. It all began one afternoon when she was complaining about her lunch of salad and came up with “salad. never satisfying,” to which I countered, “Salad. Meh.” Some other favorites have included, “Salad. Tossing it is the only enjoyable part” (her), “Salad. Abandon all hope ye who enter here” (me), “Salad. It doesnt count if you put fried chicken, bacon and ranch on it and claim to have a satisfying salad” (her), “Salad: The food equivalent of a Ke$ha song” (me), and so on and so forth.

You get the idea. We must have at least a hundred million billion of them at this point.

During my internet travels, I stumbled across a posting on The Hairpin which was entirely women eating salad and laughing. What the fuck. Upon sending it to her, I started giving each photo a tagline and they made me laugh enough that I wanted to share with you.

1. Salad: Cucumbers Help Me Shit.

2. Salad: Makes My Period White Like My Clothes.

3. Salad: Only Water For Me Because I'm a Mean Drunk.

4. Salad: Only Fruit for Black People? Racist As Fuck.

5. Salad: I Hate Myself.

6. Salad: There Aren't Leaves Where I Come From In The Middle East.

7. Salad: What The Fuck Are These Red Things?

8. Salad: This Is The Face I Made When My Parents Were Killed.

9. Salad: I Lie To Myself That I Enjoy It.

10. Salad: Surprise! Your Lunch FUCKING SUCKS.

11. Salad: As Bland And Unfulfilling As The Rest Of My Miserable Life.

12. Salad: Fuck Me, This Shit Sucks.

13. Salad: Feels Like Broken Glass In My Guts.

14. Salad: You'll Never Actually Eat It By The Ocean.

15. Salad: Tastes Like The Bird Shit I'm Pretty Sure Just Dropped In It.

16. Salad: Iceberg? Are You Fucking Kidding Me? Could It Be Any Worse?

Fuck you, salad.

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