Dear you guys,

It’s gross! Stop it!

Really though, what’s the point? To you, guy, on the train this morning wearing your stupid American Eagle shirt holding an umbrella, what are you trying to prove? Are you trying to say to the world, “I live a life of leisure. I am a man who does not have to work. I am rich and have servants to tend to my needs,” while you are clearly on your way to work? Who the fuck do you think you’re fooling? You’re riding a train out of Queens. Drop the bullshit already. The pinky fingernail is gross.

And to the Chinese guys in Chinatown working on Kenmare hauling fish, I am likewise not convinced by your long pinky fingernail that you are wealthy and intelligent and well bred. Maybe it’s the crap under your other fingernails or the fact that you’re teeth are stained by smoking too much or that you are covered head to toe in fucking fish entrails. I don’t know, call me crazy, but I’m pretty sure most extraordinarily wealthy people don’t spend their early mornings on the streets of Chinatown covered in aquatic gore. Just a thought. Call me crazy.

Is anyone else as grossed out by this as I am? I’m pretty durable generally, and quite accepting of most of people’s idiosyncrasies, but the fingernail thing just skeeves me out. It makes me want to carry around fingernail clippers and cut their fingernails. Also, it’s fucking gross when people cut their nails on the subway. What the fuck, people. Get it together.

And don’t even get my started on those silly girls at the grocery store who wear such long fake fingernails that they cannot press the buttons on the register except with the balls of their fingers.

Unapologetically yours,

The Black Laser