Ok ok ok, what I really want to talk about is the pure and utter insanity of R. Kelly’s R&B opera masterpiece, but that is a very involved posting, so I’m going to start with this gem.

In this track, “Real Talk,” Kelly is role-playing through a scenario in which his lady friend of 5 years suspects him of going out to a club with, in his words, “some other bitches.” I think his goal with this song is to show that everyone has the same sorts of problems with their women, e.g., the woman desiring to burn his clothes, listening to their “nappy-ass bitch” friends, and not being fully appreciative of the money given to them for the purpose of clothes and manicures. Kelly is exposing his humanity here. He’s not just a gold-showers-preferring pedophile who narrowly avoided jail time due to a poorly made copy of a sex tape, he’s also a man with real world problems who engages in the same sort of “real talk” we all do.

Highlights of Kelly’s “real talk” include:

  • “What they eat don’t make us shit! Real talk!”
  • “Bitch, I wish you would burn my motherfucking clothes!”
  • “Well tell me this: how the fuck she know I was with them other girls?”
  • “I don’t know why you fuck with them jealous, no-man-havin’ ass hoes anyway. Real talk.”

Really, I could write every word R. Kelly sings in this song, but you’re better off just enjoying it—and being enlightened by it—for yourself.