Menu Close

Day: May 27, 2010

The Onion: “Dept. Of Evil: ‘All Of You Must Die'”

I feel like The Onion wrote this article just for me. I think this passage will illustrate what I’m mean.

Although the Department of Evil has not yet announced the exact timetable for the death of all, it recommends citizens make their peace with doomed relatives and spouses immediately, as the hour of their ending draws ever nigh and will be upon them as soon as the necessary funding has been authorized by the House Appropriations Committee.

“This budget approval is merely a pitiful, niggling formality, for soon we’ll be free to swarm across the land draining the life-pus out of all you quivering mortal worms,” Reynolds said. “Doubt us not: Come the wintertide, you all shall die, and die you will. Sorry, I meant ‘must.’ Die you must!”

Really though, you should just head on over to The Onion and read the damn article. Then come back and tell me what you think. It’s easily the funniest thing I’ve read on The Onion all day.

The Amazing Painting of Jeremy Geddes

I first encountered the work of Jeremy Geddes, an Australian painter, with a series of zombie paintings he did. I would link you, but they are no longer on his site. Recently he came to my attention with his series of Cosmonaut paintings, each featuring a sole Cosmonaut floating in vaguely Christ-like poses through a variety of locales. I like them not just because they are masterfully executed but because you can’t really tell if the Cosmonaut is dead or just weightless. I like to think he’s dead, but that’s just me; I listen to metal.

Go on over to his site and check out the work.

While you’re there, I’d like this. Thanks. My birthday is coming up.

My thoughts on the Gorguts/Krallice/Portal/Bloody Panda show I went to last night.

I haven’t listened to Gorguts since their 1991 release Considered Dead, but when my new buddy Vince Neilstein of MetalSucks suggested I check out the show I figured I might as well. If nothing else it would be a rocking good time and metal as fuck.

Apart from what I perceived to be a little bit of sloppiness on the lead singer’s part, the rest of Gorguts was INCREDIBLY fucking tight. And, really, when did it ever matter if Death Metal was super tight anyway? Have you heard the first Deicide record? Early Morbid Angel? Who gives a shit? The band slayed. It was really great and I would definitely go see them again. They played a couple of new songs which they referred to only as “Number 3” followed by “Number 2”. I’m having a hard time deciding which of the two was my favorite, but I’m thinking that “Number 2” for sheer intensity wins out by a narrow margin. Altogether incredible. I will definitely pick up the record Gorguts will be releasing in 2011.

The set was surprising to me because I remember Considered Dead being a run-of-the-mill kind of Death Metal record. I still have it somewhere from when I bought it in what must have been 1993. It was never high in the rotation, but bands age and change and get better or worse. It’s worth a relisten.

And then there’s Krallice. Or, then there’s wasn’t Krallice, which was real strange because at least one of their members, Colin Marsten, was there playing bass for Gorguts. Maybe I missed them? I arrived just as Bloody Panda finished which was an hour and half into when the show was scheduled to start. Too bad. I was pretty excited to check them out.

For me, the real stand out of last night was Portal. I’d heard their name bantered about on the metal blogs and whatever, but I’d never listened to them. Before I get into a description of their set, let me preface with a few videos, ok? I mean, that’s why you come to The Black Laser, right? Videos?

The first is a live performance from 2008.

The second two are part of their set from the night before I saw them.

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK. The lead singer (vocalist?) throws the claw the entire set. The set was so offensively awesome that I can barely contain myself. Not knowing anything about the band, I don’t have much to write except my undying praise for them. I am a now a die-hard Portal fan for life. I’m going to order all of their records from Amazon today. God damned amazing, man. I’ve never seen a bassist play as fast as this guy did last night. And I love the theatricality of the whole thing. It’s evil as fuck and silly and serious and awesome. The lead singer (vocalist?!) dressed a lot like I’ve always imagined the Space Pope to look like, except more of a community theatre version. The real Space Pope would never wear a strap to keep his mitre on.

But, seriously, check them out. They have to be one of the heaviest bands I’ve ever seen live. It’s a blistering wall of devastation and everyone should listen to them. Wow. Just wow.

Joe Shivers, you missed out.

One last note. It made me laugh to recognize that as I write about this br00tal, kult as fuck metal show I went to last night, I’m jamming out to Major Lazer & La Roux’s Lazerproof which was released yesterday. Hah! How contradictory can one person be? But isn’t that part of what makes life fun and interesting?